[MistressTwist]

So I've been quiet the last few weeks, had an accident of the bedroom variety. The 2 week wait was horrid, plus the stress and anxiety from never knowing when I start work, its just all made my depression worse.

I was really hoping that I'd get to be a mum, even if it wasn't planned, but today, auntie flow showed up early. I'm devastated. Being a mum and having a family of my own is all I've ever wanted, those of you who read my first post know why given what I've been through.

I can't stop crying and can't lean on anyone for support, my partner is amazing but I know deep down he is happy about this. I can't bring myself to let my hurt out to someone who is potentially happy about my pain.

I can't keep it all in because I've learned the hard way that its destructive. I know this may seem silly to some of you, but its all I've ever wanted.

I seriously just want to just curl up in my duvet and stay there, and I'm fighting the urge to sh, I've had 2 slip ups recently and I don't want another. Maybe I should get my meds turned up a notch.

[Amphiptere]

Three things I would say:
1) Talk with someone who understands, even if they are on this forum.
2) You said "someone who is potentially happy about my pain". I think it would be better to say "someone who is happy when that same result causes me pain". The two are not the same, although I am guessing that is what you meant, no?
3) If you want children and you are with someone who you want to be a father to your children, talk to your partner and tell them how you feel so that you can look at your plans down the road. If you already have, where do your feelings measure with them?

[MistressTwist]

That's what I was hoping this post would do, find someone who understands.

Haha, I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say, I'm no good with words when I get upset.

He already knows exactly how I feel, and says he wants a family with me, but always throws up reasons for not trying. Money, need a new car, need to move, etc. I guess I'm scared I'm in another string along relationship and until we actually start trying I'm not really going to trust what he says, which he also knows. He says its a 'the proof is in the pudding' situation. He doesn't get upset or annoyed when I tell him how I feel, which is good. I'm just a really untrusting person, which he knows and understands.

[Amphiptere]

No one is good with words when they are upset!

For my partner I set a time in the first few months of our relationship, but that was mostly because I don't want to be 65 years old with a teenager. That time has passed, so I don't have to explain where I stand. I would suggest you find a way to do the same, and stick to it. If the 'deadline' passes and nothing has changed, then you know you need to think things over. Do not make it an ultimatum. Nothing like 'if you don't x, y, z, I will do z, y, x' because that won't work. Just say something cut and dry: I want to have a child before the age of XX.

No if, and, or but with it. Just state what you want and don't explain it or complain about things in the past.

It worked for me at least.

[MistressTwist]

Thank you for your advice, he said we can start trying in September. When we first got together he said we'd start trying at the 3 year mark, which is this month. I guess I've got a long wait in front of me. XxX

Hang in there, MistressTwist and know that those hormones are in charge of your emotions right now. They will ease up.

Get yourself comfy on that sofa and cry your eyes out if you want to. You're entitled to.