How do I grieve? What so I do?

My father in law died almost two weeks ago after a two year battle with cancer. It's been a tough ride and my relationship with my mother in law and sis in law had alreay been rocky when he was diagnosed. Since he died though, I've put aside my feelings and really stepped up. I made an effort and opened my house to family, worked at the wake evey night, did lots of assorted little things to make their lives easier. I've really tried to be there for my husband. Our whole lives have been put on hold for two years.

My MIL is what you'd call a bulldozer. She has no regard for feelings and has made it clear over the years that she doesn't like me. My husband and I had many fights because he didn't believe that. At the funeral, Myself, my husband and My sis in law stood up at the podium with her when she gave the eulogy and she thanked the two of them and never mentioned me and never said a word about my speech. Ahe thanked everyone else who spoke except me. I kept all that to myself because I thought it wasn't about me. That this wasn't the point. Ive had to deal with two years of beig excluded from everything, from only knowing things through the grapevine and during this whole funeral, very few people would give me their condolences or ask me how I was doing.

The MIL has also gone a little crazy with ridiculous requests and yelling at people during this whole ordeal.

Next week is my bday and it's a milestone one. The things I wanted for myself (like a baby) haven't happened and now that my fil is dead, I wouldn't throw a bday party so soon. I also learned that friends can let you down tremendously. so we thought we could get away for a weekend. My husband hasn't been all that involved in sorting out flights and hotel and today I started to panic about the cost as well as timings. We had made plans for us to discuss it but he was late to show up. I called and he was busy off doing something with his mom (which was another ridiculous whim of hers).

All our plans went to hell and I was leftto deal with my panic alone. I also called him earlier in the day about aomethinf I was feeling ****** about, but he cut me off to talk to her. I get that they're grieving but I am too. And I'm sad about where I am in life as well and I have nobody to grieve or talk to. I know I've been a huge support to them regardless of my feelings and yet I've just been so alone for the last two years. And the man is dead and I don't see an end in sight - I see myself being abandoned by my husband because obviously dealing with his dad's death takes priority. I mean that truly and it's just the sad state of affairs.

I am sorry that you are having to cope with this alone. you must be feeling neglected and abandoned. I would be prepared to be let down for your birthday as well as his mother will probably do her best to jeopardize his time and he has proven to put her needs before yours. it may be that you should plan to put your trip off for awhile and give him time to bring his attention back around to you. in the mean time can you get yourself in to counseling so you can have some support for yourself?

Hi notmrsbrightside, I'm sorry your husband is finding it hard to be by your side in this and it may seem to you that all your efforts have been counting for very little. But just remember that even if your efforts weren't recognised by your mother or sister-in-law they had to have made a difference in whatever way to what your father-in-law was going through (which I'm sure at times wasn't in the least bit easy) and in offering a really respectful/caring testiment to him afterwards. And even if you were doing things for your mother and sister in-law sometimes that at least gave them more opportuntiy to focus on your father-in-law as well. So please allow that to give you some comfort, in that what you did really did matter and you did do something/s really significant and meaningful
As for the relationship with your husband..........well I can see you understand that things might be quite difficult after his father, it's got to be tough. But maybe see if some of the grieving you can do together?? In some quieter moments maybe talk about memories........the better and the harder times with your father-in-law and share some of those feelings. Try not to talk about any problems with your mother and sister-in-law at those times.
And just try to make "a place/places" in your day's where it's just you and your husband, it's not about you, your husband, your mother-in-law and your sister-in-law in the relationship......it's just you two.
Sure he might have to respond to some "challenging" requests from his mother (which sometimes he might not like either) but if you could see some of them as unavoidable...........and try not to let it effect what you two have together as much as possible.
Obviously talk to him if things are really bothering you.........but maybe a balance???
And for your birthday........I completely understand how you might feel really disappointed with the plans falling through but you can still still fit in something really special.......just the two of you for part of it maybe??? Sometimes the simplest things can be the best things???
And you know maybe you could do with some more "outside" support as well??? It can be helpful to have someone "outside" of things to use for support or as a "sounding board". I really sorry you're friends seem to have let you down, but maybe someone else??? And there's always us!!!!
Don't go thinking that your problems always have to be secondary........they matter too!!!!

Alison

Hi notmrsbrightside. My heart goes out to you. For many years my mother in law treated me as if I was inferior to the rest of the family. I also have a brother-in-law that is difficult to deal with. I am familiar with the bulldozer personalities because we have them in my husband's family. My mother in law finally came around I suppose because some of the other family members have become so dysfunctional she decided I was "okay."

Yours is a hard situation and I don't think your mother in law became the way she is overnight. I get a sense that maybe she was always difficult to deal with, and father-in-law suffering with cancer and dying maybe magnified that. Deaths in a family can either bring out the best or the worst in people.

Counseling for both you and your husband would probably be helpful. Seek help and consolation from the "outside" thru friends as well. We are here for you as well. Lots of love and best wishes.