[Scooterbug74]

Hello....I have been depressed for 8-9 months now, I have no one that I can really share my feelings with, and I don't know how much more I can take.

If I may....here is a bit of background to my situation. My wife and I had been together since 2008 and married in 2009 ( a year to the date we first met). We were best friends...and I mean VERY best friends. We would do EVERYTHING together...pretty much inseparable. My family loved her and I loved her family, it felt like a perfect match.

One draw back about my wife is she never seemed happy with the jobs she worked. She was always looking for something better and would change jobs at the drop of a hat if they offered more money. Today I counted and in the 9 years we have been together she has had 16 jobs. But as I mentioned that was the only pet peeve I ever had with my wife. We even relocated from South Carolina to Florida so she would have more job opportunities..then eventually back to South Carolina after a few years (and after she went through 3 different jobs down there). We always had support from my family, and they always helped if we were in a jam.

Over the years we did so many things together...out of state trips, movies, ..any thing she wanted to do we did it. We always had money for her to buy any clothes she wanted or to get her nails done...she would always ask my permission, but I would always ask "Why do you need my permission?". Apparently one of her former husbands (I was her 3rd marriage) did not like her spending money, so she said asking was just a habit. Basically she wanted for nothing and she always got anything she wanted.

Just over 3 years ago we bought a house. It was our dream home...not too big, not too small..it was perfect. We could not have children so we had 2 dogs and 2 cats, and they were our children. We also had a niece and a nephew around to spoil like they were our kids as well. Over the years we had some relatives stay with us..her mother on a couple occasions (for a few months when she was looking for a new job). We managed, and still got along great. Yes we argued over the years..like any couple does, but we NEVER resorted to name calling EVER, and we always made up less then an hour after any argument.

About a year and 1/2 ago my wife started a new job(again) and made friends with her supervisor named Travis. She had a habit of befriending her bosses and they eventually would screw her over, happened at several jobs. I always was told I am a pretty good judge of character and I could usually predict who would screw her over just by how she talked about them. Anyway...Travis ends up getting fired as her supervisor, she has to pick up the slack, gets so stressed out, and ends up quitting. He would continue to call her even though they were no longer working together. I always got a weird vibe from the guy and would tell me wife how I did not trust him, and I wasn't comfortable with him calling as much as he did. My wife began to tell me "I just didn't want her to have friends". I had no problem with her having friends..but this guy just gave me a bad vibe.

My wife eventually found a new job, then another new job, then another. Meanwhile, I started experiencing some extreme leg, back, foot, wrist, and knee pain. Sometimes I could not walk for days the pain was so bad. It got so bad I physically could not do my medical coding job anymore. I was also pretty burned out from medical coding and wanted to try and find a new profession if I could. The pain kept getting worse. The whole time I tried to medicate with what ever the doctor gave me that "should" have helped what was diagnosed (gout, arthritis, etc). I tried to play through the pain and still take my wife out and do things with her when I could get the pain under control. Eventually my wife suggested I apply for disability, and we filled out the forms. At this point we relied on my wife's income which she assured was MORE then enough to cover all the bills we had and still have enough for savings and to do stuff.

At this point I was already starting to get a tad depressed because I could not do a lot of things I did in the past...but my wife was emotionally supportive and I felt everything would be ok.

2 events happened toward the end of last year, that I think effected my wife mentally. 1) My wife turned 40...she is the kind of person who has an agenda for what she wants to do by what age. She always told me she dreaded turning 40. 2) Two weeks before Christmas, while shopping with her mother, she was informed that her mother did not think my wife's biological father was actually her real father...just out of the blue she was told this. Apparently around the time my mother-in-law got pregnant she was shacked up with a guy (she can't remember his name) and she thinks he is the father. I think both of these event took a small toll on her mental status.

In March of this year my Mother-in-law started getting sick. She is a life long smoker (emphysema) and alcoholic. She had 2 visits to the hospital in 2 weeks. A scan was done and they found small cell carcinoma on her lung. According to what I was told the doctors said even with treatment she had only 3 months to live. My mother-in-law lived in an apartment roughly 30 minutes away from our house...my wife insisted she move in with her. We owned a 4 bedroom house, plenty of room to move her mother in with us..but my wife refused. At this point my wife took some clothes and left.

I was so depressed...a family member (mother-in-law) was now ill, and my wife was gone. She kept telling me she would be gone until her mother did chemo and radiation and that could be a few months. My wife began to grow distant. Little things she once did like let me know she got to work safely every morning she stopped doing. She stopped calling and texting as much, and eventually blocked me from texting or calling her. Finally she told me she was not coming back. She was very callous about it...and wanted nothing to do with me. To make matters worse my father was hospitalized, several weeks after she left, with liver and kidney failure. At this point I was losing my wife and we thought my father.

Around the beginning of June my wife started texting me again...asking how I was, and even hinted at returning home...but just like that she stopped communicating with me. Toward the end of June she started texting me again saying she wanted to see me and go on a lunch/Movie date. We went on our date and had a good time. Afterward she asked if she could pack some more clothes because she was having to wash and re-wear the original clothes she packed a good bit. I agreed and she took a few outfits and left. Our anniversary was coming up on July 11th and she said we would go out and celebrate. July 11th came and she called me from her work. She proceeded to tell me she was NOT coming to see me...and to make matters worse she told me when she had been over the house during our previous date, she left her engagement ring (it's a family heirloom) in her nightstand drawer. She was so callous about it..almost like she had no feelings. I asked her if she even cared anymore to which she replied "I don't care about anything anymore!". She proceeded to tell me all she wanted to take from our 9 years together was her car and the rest of her clothes. A week later I had my niece help me pack up the clothes, and my wife came and got them.

At that point I was all alone..living in a big house with 2 dogs, 2 cats, no money for bills, mortgage, food, and a painful ailment that effected my walking. My sister and mother intervened, helped me pack up all my worldly belongings..everything my wife and I had every bought in the past 9 years..and moved me into my parent's house. My sister was looking for a new house so I allowed her to move into mine...it meant I did not have to sell the house and the mortgage would be covered.

In August my wife started contacting me again...the occasional "How are you", "How is your dad"..that sort of thing. Eventually one day she invited me out to lunch. I accepted because I really wanted to see her after all that time. We went to lunch and she made it a point to show me the 3 new tattoos she recently got and her newly done fingernails. Basically she was showing off how much fun she was having..which I found strange considering her mother was SUPPOSED to be at deaths door, and she was SUPPOSED to be taking care of her.

A few days later she text me and it lead to an argument. The next day she sent me a long email that ended with "I am prepared to let you go". Honestly I was fine with her saying that..a bit relived actually. 2 weeks later..to the day..she started texting me again. She would text me one day..then I would hear nothing for a week, then a text out of the blue..then again nothing. During this time I decided to create a profile on a popular dating site. I was pretty much just curious to see who was out there and what dating was like these days. I never got many messages or sent many, but for some reason I felt guilty for being on there, like I was cheating on my wife. Every so often when I had a good day pain wise, I would accompany my family and some of their friends to a local dueling piano bar..just to get out of the house. On several occasions a family friend would approach single woman and tell them my wife had left me, and he would always get the woman to take selfies with me...it's one of the few fun things I did in the last 9 months. I would post them on Facebook and some of my friends would get a kick out of the pictures. Later I would find out my wife was stalking my Facebook page to see what pictures I was posting.

In October, after not hearing from my wife for weeks, I get a notification on my cell phone from the dating site that I had a new message. The username..which I will not post..had a familiar ring to it, I wasn't sure why. I logged on to the dating site, pull up my messages and there staring at me is a picture, that I had taken, of my wife. She apparently had been on the dating site and came across my profile. Talk about awkward. Her message said " Too bad your not speaking to me or else we could go see a movie". We messaged for several days through this dating site (again awkward). She asked me if all the things I had listed in my profile, would I still do with her (rides, beach, movies..the usual dating site stuff). She then asked me if I would still dance with her. Basically I concluded she was trying to "test the waters" with me. She made a few comments over the next few days alluding to the fact she wanted to see me and talk things out. I explained talking via a dating site was weird. She CLAIMED she was only on the dating site to talk to me...I personally did not buy it. I told her if she was serious about wanting to see me and talk things over, I would feel better if she did not have a profile on the dating site. She agreed to remove it. I later found out she DID NOT delete her profile.

Shortly after this my Grandmother passed away..she lost her battle with dementia and Alzheimer's. The very same day she died, one of my cats also died. Also after finally talking my doctor into doing some lab work to try and find out what exactly was wrong with me...they figured out I have Multiple Connective Tissue Disease..which is not a super good thing to have. It explains my pain though...and I am now waiting to see a specialist in February.

Over the next few weeks she text me several times and said she was going to be in town, and wanted to see me...each time after I was dressed and ready to see her...she would text or email with an excuse why she couldn't make it. She always blamed "time constraints" as to why she didn't come..but she told me "I want to see you on a day when I have no time limits"..and she suggested that coming weekend. The weekend comes and I hear nothing from her.

She eventually got a new phone and asked if she could call me. She called a few times, but mainly she would text me every once in awhile. In November she started another new job..this one required her to do some traveling for training. During one of her trips she started texting me saying how she missed me..and missed us being together..and all the stuff we did. I did not hear from her for 2 weeks. She contacted me again one day...same deal..I miss you/miss us..blah blah blah. Then no contact for a week. Last Tuesday she was in Illinois for work. She contacted me and told me her and a colleague were talking about Christmas, family, and pets at dinner that night..and she again expressed how much she missed me, and the animals, missed our house, or holidays together,..basically she missed everything and said she was crying and sad.

Yesterday I was actually having a great day..pain level was low, I was talking with my mother, and was wrapping Christmas presents. I got a text on my phone from my wife. She stated she was not wanting to be hurtful..BUT..she wanted to know IF she drew up divorce papers, and back date them to November of 2016 (4 months before she actually left), would I sign them...and if I did we could "talk and whatever". I asked her to clarify "talk and whatever". She stated it meant we could "maybe talk and get to know each other again". This ticked me off!! Your supposed to try and work things out first..if you can't THEN you sign divorce papers. I told her if she wanted to TRY to work things out we could..but I was not signing any papers until March (a year after she left....you have to be separated a year in South Carolina to file for a divorce). She became pretty mad..told me I don't really care about her, and we need a "clean slate" if we want to move forward....and I guess she means a clean slate is signed divorce paper?? LOL
She went on to say she has cried herself to sleep every night for months and she is being tortured with this hanging over her head....she wants it to end peacefully. So...maybe it's me..but in one sentence she says she wants to "talk and get to know each other again"..then she says "I want it to end peacefully"...so does she want to work things out or end things?? My confusion yesterday was insane. She finally told me "everything that went wrong in our marriage was NOT her fault and that I should be nice to her". Honestly after 9 months I am still trying to figure out what went wrong

Last night I sat down and wrote her an email. I detailed everything I have been going through since she left and how she played with my emotions and sent me mixed signal several times. I detailed little things in our marriage where maybe we did not see eye to eye, but was nothing major enough to ruin a marriage. I said a lot in the email..took 2 hours to write.

This morning I get a nasty email from her. She stated that I "pushed her away" starting 3 years ago...we were best friends and were pretty much "joined at the hip" as they say..we were always together doing things or going places almost up until the time she left. So I do not understand how I pushed her away. She also stated she has prayed for the last year I would let her go. Ummmm... She was the one who kept initiating contact with me every few weeks. She told me months ago she was "prepared to let me go"..then contacted me after 2 weeks. She was the one who told me on 3 occasions recently...as recent as last Tuesday that she missed me. She told me yesterday in her text that she wanted to "talk and whatever" and "get to know each other again"....does this sound like a person who prayed for over a year for someone to let them go??? I am so confused.

I replied to her email asking why she would push to buy our house 3 years ago if I was "pushing her away" in her mind all that time ago. Also I asked, if she was praying for me to "let her go", why would she keep contacting me after she left saying she wanted to see me and telling me how much she missed me on numerous occasions. It's just all not making sense to me!!

She replied back saying I was "just being cruel as usual". Over my whole life I have NEVER been described as cruel by ANYONE. I am the kind of person who would give someone the shirt off my back...I have never been cruel..especially to my wife. I have never raised a hand to her or called her a derogatory name..nothing. For her to describe me as "cruel" is extremely shocking. And in her mind if I was cruel..why would she claim on at least 3 occasions she missed me?? She then accused me of saying mean things about her and stated that started 3 years ago. Again..I have never said one derogatory word regarding my wife or to my wife. Even after she left me I never said one derogatory thing about her...I have been too busy being depressed. She then finished by saying everything bad in the marriage was MY fault...and she was not to blame at all. I am still trying to figure out what was bad in our marriage. We were best friends who supported each other and did everything together. Again I am confused.

At this point I was pretty mad...after being abandon by my wife, in severe pain for almost a year, having a sick father, having lost a grandmother, having lost my cat, being diagnosed with MCTD, and severely depressed....I literally snapped!!! I told her to NEVER EVER contact me again and that I did not want to see her, hear from her, or remember her. Then I told her she was dead to me. This was the worst thing I have EVER told my wife, or anybody I have ever encountered for that matter. After it set in for a few minutes I became depressed again....and more and more depressed as the day went on.

Now I know what I said was in anger....and I am not sure if everything she said was out of anger as well or not. Discussing things with my family they pointed out some weird behavior she exhibited over the last few years that maybe I just did not see. They told me how sometimes they noticed she would have highs and lows when she would be out shopping or away for the weekend with my mom and sister. My mom mentioned to me ,awhile after my wife had left me ,that she thinks my wife might be a bit bi-polar. Her sister is bi-polar....but I never thought of my wife being bi-polar. Would that explain why one day she misses me, then not communicate with me for weeks?? It almost seems to me like she has gone off the deep end..so to speak. Like I mentioned earlier...we had had a few arguments since she left via text and email. On one occasion I asked her not to contact me...a few weeks later she ended up contacting me. On the second occasions, as I mentioned, she told me she was "prepared to let me go"..then after 2 weeks she was contacting me again. This could be another time where I hear from her in a few weeks like usual...or this could be the finish of it all.

Either way I feel extremely awful and more depressed then I have ever felt in my life. I have been through a great deal in the last 9 months and will eventually be going through more in the next few months. I am not sure how to even begin to cope now. I am not suicidal..I don't have a plan, but I do have ideation a good bit, at least every other day.

Sorry this turned into such a long post,,but it helped me a great deal to get it out. Thank you.

I don't think we could jump to bipolar based on her being on and off about the relationship. I more get the feeling that she doesn't want to be with you, but wants to keep you on the back burner just in case. She wants her freedom and her back up. I think you did the right thing. This relationship is totally unhealthy and you have other issues to take care of. Vent away any time. I'm sorry you have to go through this.

[Saunder]

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. Maybe talk to someone in person or a group? I went to a group thru med. plan for 6 years, once a week mainly to be around people. Stopped groups last year when started talking more abot self and my weaknesses. Even fhough totally comfortable with very nice people and moderator(s). When doing better, OK to be alone during the day. Have a girlfriend of 21 yrs., extremely fortunate but when depressed I'm really a burden on her mentally. Now at 67, barely leave the bedroom, apt. Really lonely, talk to self,etc. I feel so guilty not being able to fully support her mentally. She's a caretaker, one of sweetest people in the world. Main goal is to stay out of hospital which has never really helped me. Twice in last 8 yrs. In mental area of hosp. Sorry talking so much about me. I really hope you get the support you deserve. Take care

[Skeezyks]

Hello Scooterbug: I believe this was your first post, here on PC. So... Welcome to PsychCentral. I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit & that coming to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I don't have any advice or suggestions to offer you here. But one thing I did think I would mention is that PsychCentral has a sister website: "NeuroTalk". Since you are struggling with your MCTD diagnosis, it might be worthwhile taking a look at the forums over there to see if you see anything you might feel would be of benefit. There are a lot of members there who are knowledgeable with regard to a wide variety of medical conditions. Here's a link:

https://www.neurotalk.org/

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Sunflower123]

Hello. Welcome to PC. I’m glad you’re here.

[Only_Human1983]

I’m so sorry to hear all that you’ve gone through in the last 9 months. Everybody is so lovely on here, so you have definitely come to the right place.

This is just my 10 cents and by no means accurate (as I don’t know your wife personally), but it sounds to be that your wife could be a narcissist. I don’t like labelling people, so I can’t be sure, but what you describe sounds all too familiar. My ex was a narcissist and the patterns of behaviour you describe are very similar. He changed jobs more times than the weather (I live in England so trust me that’s a lot! lol) he was obsessed with material things and used those things to hide behind. Deep down he was very insecure and I just felt that the whole time he was running away from who he really was and his past. He also had a very split personality and would try to turn everything around on me. I loved him and this made me so blind, that he would almost fool me into thinking things were my fault. He would come in and out of my life, just using me for his own ego. Looking back he never cared about me at all.

If your wife is a narcissist, then trust me they are poison and you are so much better off out of it. I know it hurts right now, but you will think the same way I do someday. If she isn’t a narcissist then you are sill better off out of it, because she is obviously toying with you and that’s not the way to treat anyone. It won’t do your mental health any good and will deplete your confidence and self worth. You will go on living your life in hope and wondering when she will next pick you up, only to drop you from a great height, days, weeks or months later. It will be a viscous cycle you can never get out of.

You sound like a great person and you deserve someone to treat you right. Please maintain respect for yourself and do not let anyone treat you any less than you would treat someone else. Please stay strong and know that we are all here for you.