[Only_Human1983]

I'm a 34 year old woman, single and living on my own, so sometimes I really like I have nobody. My parents have known about my depression for years and used to be supportive, but now I feel they are fed up with it and don't support me at all. I recently had an argument with my Mum because she got fed up with me trying to talk through things with her (which I haven’t done in a long time). When I try and talk to her, she just goes quiet and when I asked why she doesn’t say anything she just shouted at me and said ‘I don’t know what you want me to say?!’ I know it’s hard to be supportive when you don’t understand, but I just wish she would try and empathise with me in some way. I told her that I mostly go through life just feeling numb and I put on a brave face everyday and she didn’t say anything or mention it since. If that was me and I really loved that person, it would kill me to know they feel that way. She used to be really supportive and when I’m down she would text me to see if I was alright and send me encouraging texts and emails, but she doesn’t do that anymore and I really feel like she doesn’t care. I don’t have anyone.

I feel like it's up to me to pull myself out of it all the time, but sometimes I just need to know people care. It's so hard when the only person you have is yourself, but yet your head is full of poisonous thoughts and trying to convince you that killing your self is the best option. It's like trying to restart your own heart - impossible.

I know it would upset my parents if I died, but sometimes I just feel it would be the only way to show them how bad I’m really feeling, but then it’s too late. I really don’t think I can go on like this anymore. I don’t enjoy life, I just exist.

[Naynay99]

Hey. I’m sorry u ar struggling so much right now and don’t feel like you have any support. It’s possible that your mom just feels helpless to do anything and doesn’t know what to say. Can you ask her for specofic ways to support you? Things that would help you cops better?

I know for me, when depressed I didn’t know how to ask for help or even what to ask for ornwhat I needed. But one of the most helpful things my mom did for me was when she came over to visit and did my dishes or laundry. Didn’t say anything (which would have mAde me feel ashamed I couldn’t even take care of the house), she just did it. And it was such a relief to me to have one less thing to worry about. Another thing that helped a lot was sometimes my best friend would come over to hang out and not talk. We would both be reading books or something. It wasn’t good for me to be alone so this way I had company without any pressure of having to actually talk.

I can relate to the feeling all alone thing- my parents are great but they live very far away and I don’t get to see them often. I do have a few good friends who know about my depr and want to help, but also have their own lives to return to and n the end it is still just me standing by myself.

I don’t think any of my mrried coworker friends can really relate, bc when shiit goes bad with them they always have their spouse to help and be on their side. I am standing all alone. I have to deal with all the stressors of daily life all by myself and sometimes it just feels like too much. But there is no s/o or family member that will step in and take over for me when I have had enough and can no longer hold up the world. I have to just somehow keep standing there and not not get crushed. So I get it and I have been there.

Please don’t feel like you need to do something drastic to get your parents attention or prove to them how much you need help. Reach out now and find it. If your family isn’t able to be your support network, find a different one- a therapist, support group, friend, whatever. You deserve to do more than just exist. Hang in there.

[Teddy Bear]

Sorry your struggling my mother was supportive of me before she died but she was schizophrenic as well. My family does pretty well with mental illness I wish I could share with you. Hope your depression lifts soon. Hugs

[Skeezyks]

[Only_Human1983]

Thank you for all your replies.

I also keep getting this feeling that everyone hates me. I’m constantly paranoid and feel that people talk about me and not in a good way.

I come to work and put on a smiley face and try to push it down, but I burst into tears when I get home and just feel so worthless.

[MickeyCheeky]

I think your mother loves you. It's just that she doesn't really know what to do, so she probably feel frustrated.

I'm sorry you're hurting, you're not worthless

[refractedlight]

I can really relate to your feelings, in particular the thoughts you harbor about being inferior and worthless. This is a morning when I think everyone is smarter, kinder, and more valuable than I am. And I just can't shake the feeling.

Plus, like you, I feel like those closest to me would be glad to be rid of me and my struggles. I actually had a friend say to me yesterday that she couldn't help me with my "issues" and that I make her feel useless. I think that's what spurred on my depression today.

And I see the paradox, irony, or whatever you want to call it of saying that such comments like what your mom made to you are about her instead of you, but it's true. When people encounter a depressed people like us, they focus on how we make them feel. I guess I see that as irony for me to criticize them for that, since I know my depression is such a self-focused struggle as well.

What I am trying to model with my depressed friends is the idea that we don't want to be fixed. We just want to be understood. To have our emotions validated. To not feel so alone in our pain.

[birchtree319]

I'm sorry you're feeling the way you do. Remember you are just as valuable as anyone else in this world and you're not alone in your struggles. I'm a great listener as are many of the people here, if you ever need someone.

[Sunflower123]

I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you process some of this? There are many supportive, caring people on this site as well. Know you are not alone. Please keep posting. We care. Sending big hugs.

[Only_Human1983]

Thank you all so much for your kind words.

Refractedlight - your post was so eloquently written and very thought provoking. You sound like a very intelligent person to me and so I wouldn’t worry about people being smarter than you. As for people being kinder, well I think you taking the time to write a reply to my post is a kind thing to do, so it proves you are very kind. I know I (and most of us on here) struggle to believe my own self worth, but I certainly see it in others. I guess that’s what is so cruel about this illness.
You really hit the nail on the head when you said that we just want to be understood. I try to tell my Mum that, that all I need is just someone to talk to me, sympathise and just tell me it will all work out in the end (even though they don’t know that for sure!) I’m such a pessimist, that sometimes I just need someone to be positive for me. However, I know the sad truth is a lot of people are quite selfish, wrapped up in there own little world and just can’t be bothered to help. They find it draining so they avoid you. I can’t really judge as it doesn’t make them bad people and maybe I’d be the same if I never knew what it felt like to be truly depressed and hopeless.

Jennifer1967 - I was only just looking at therapists today. I used to chat to my GP who was like my rock, but sadly he was forced into early retirement due to crippling arthritis, so I no longer see him obviously I know it’s not his fault, but this sent me into a real spin as I hate change and I’ve never been back to the doctors since (that was about 2 years ago now) because I know I’ll never find someone that could relate to me like he could. I have Aspergers and his daughter was Autistic, so he was so understanding and could relate.

Once again, thank you to all of you for being there and offering support, it means more than you know.