[rukspc]

A few months ago, I finally cut my ex out of my life (it's a really long story). He told me he was seeing someone new and I said some things out of anger. Since then, I haven't heard from him but I've made every effort to let things go and focus on ME for once. At times, it's a little strange, uncomfortable and I get a little anxious but I get over it. Other times, I am reminded of him or there are things that trigger my unhealthy thoughts (trust me, they're very destructive)

With that said, my birthday is just around the corner and I made a timeline to do everything in my might up until my birthday to forgive, forget and move on as best as I can. I certaintly don't want to be unhappy on my birthday! I do think I need more time though.. to get over things, to keep going on this track of self-development, more headspace, happiness and fulfillment. I think I've done my best thus far but I think giving myself time to grieve right up until my birthday is a little too much. What do you think?

[Rohag]

Personal Opinion: Grief cannot be held to an arbitrary timeline; grief is timeline resistant.

[Frankbtl]

Hi rukspc, I'd say to give yourself as long as you need/want. Grieving a loss (and the end of a relationship is a loss) can take time, moving on from negative effects of a relationship can take time...........and the fact is that although it still sounds really tough for you at times, it sounds like you have been doing really well in the process of adjusting. And you really do sound like you have a good approach towards trying to let go and move on.
Your birthday..........well that can still be a "landmark" occasion. It sounds like the relationship was hurting you, and not a "healthy" one??? so maybe on your birthday you can look back on how far you've actually come..........you managed to cut something/someone off from your life who could have been really destructive for you (and I'm sure that really wasn't easy for you!!), and you have managed to start on the process of healing from the ending of the relationship (and maybe what was going on in it). So, you know this last year.........since your last birthday you have come so far
So, no going and putting pressure or too many expectations on yourself, hey??
That you're trying to focus on you, that you're on a "track of self-development", that you're looking towards happiness and fulfillment is a real big achievement in itself and good on you!!!!
And for the times that are harder, which might surface here and there (hopefully less and less as time goes on- particularly with your strength of character!!!) just make sure you reach out for support when you need it...........and you always have us to drop in on!!!
Alison

[vital]

Originally Posted by rukspc

A few months ago, I finally cut my ex out of my life (it's a really long story). He told me he was seeing someone new and I said some things out of anger. Since then, I haven't heard from him but I've made every effort to let things go and focus on ME for once. At times, it's a little strange, uncomfortable and I get a little anxious but I get over it. Other times, I am reminded of him or there are things that trigger my unhealthy thoughts (trust me, they're very destructive)

With that said, my birthday is just around the corner and I made a timeline to do everything in my might up until my birthday to forgive, forget and move on as best as I can. I certaintly don't want to be unhappy on my birthday! I do think I need more time though.. to get over things, to keep going on this track of self-development, more headspace, happiness and fulfillment. I think I've done my best thus far but I think giving myself time to grieve right up until my birthday is a little too much. What do you think?

I think it's s great idea! - vital

[Clara22]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for sharing this question, I am always looking for new tools to fight depression. I am not sure we can fix a date to end grieving but perhaps we can do something to ease the process. I am grieving my mom who passed away last year. Sometimes I have flashbacks of her in a bad shape and that make me suffer. What I am doing now is that when I have those flashbacks I voluntarely divert my mind to other memories of her I have, particularly right before she got ill ( when she was OK and we were visiting NY city). Then, I feel much better and my anguish disappear.
Ok, I do not know if this is useful, but somehow I think we can be proactive regarding our negative thoughts.
I am sending you a hug

[Fuzzybear]

[gracebuttercup]

Hi. I am SO sorry this happened to you. I am hoping you will find someone who is more deserving of your good self ( I can feel from the words you wrote that you are a good person). I think of some processes as walking through the fires. So we can get to the other side. I am not sure though that a time limit can be put on it. I do respect that you want to move beyond the feelings of anger etc. Just as long as you do not push them aside. Sometimes that can be great for a while. Until its time to deal with them. I guess what I am saying is there is a process. And i think sometimes that process has its own timeline. Because it may be about also healing other stuff attached to the feelings about husband ( who did not desserve someone as good as you )

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi rukspc, I'd say to give yourself as long as you need/want. Grieving a loss (and the end of a relationship is a loss) can take time, moving on from negative effects of a relationship can take time...........and the fact is that although it still sounds really tough for you at times, it sounds like you have been doing really well in the process of adjusting. And you really do sound like you have a good approach towards trying to let go and move on.
Your birthday..........well that can still be a "landmark" occasion. It sounds like the relationship was hurting you, and not a "healthy" one??? so maybe on your birthday you can look back on how far you've actually come..........you managed to cut something/someone off from your life who could have been really destructive for you (and I'm sure that really wasn't easy for you!!), and you have managed to start on the process of healing from the ending of the relationship (and maybe what was going on in it). So, you know this last year.........since your last birthday you have come so far
So, no going and putting pressure or too many expectations on yourself, hey??
That you're trying to focus on you, that you're on a "track of self-development", that you're looking towards happiness and fulfillment is a real big achievement in itself and good on you!!!!
And for the times that are harder, which might surface here and there (hopefully less and less as time goes on- particularly with your strength of character!!!) just make sure you reach out for support when you need it...........and you always have us to drop in on!!!
Alison

Today is actually my birthday I woke up with excitement today and tried to sustain that joy throughout the day. It was difficult and I was a little anxious but kept my focus on work and feeling like I deserve to be happy. It's just hard when I have so many expectations from people I care about. I know that's where I fall short.

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by gracebuttercup

Hi. I am SO sorry this happened to you. I am hoping you will find someone who is more deserving of your good self ( I can feel from the words you wrote that you are a good person). I think of some processes as walking through the fires. So we can get to the other side. I am not sure though that a time limit can be put on it. I do respect that you want to move beyond the feelings of anger etc. Just as long as you do not push them aside. Sometimes that can be great for a while. Until its time to deal with them. I guess what I am saying is there is a process. And i think sometimes that process has its own timeline. Because it may be about also healing other stuff attached to the feelings about husband ( who did not desserve someone as good as you )

Hi Gracebuttercup. I know I am a good person despite all the mistakes I made when we were together (or what I perceive to be mistakes). We weren't together for very long. Only dated for about 10 months. I bent backwards and tried so hard to make him happy. Maybe I didn't understand him well enough to know what he needed or wanted from me. Then I started giving more than I should and received little in return. It made me look needy when I wasn't trying to be. Now everyone thinks that I can do better. I am moving forward but in a different way.

Today I am celebrating another year of life - I had many suicide attempts in the past year. It got so bad that I almost walked into a clinic to get help but I have CBT sessions to talk things through. Every move that I make, I always circle it back to the failed relationship. I wish I could stop but I'm just so used to doing this that it's become habitual. I hope this next year, I learn more about myself and let go of these negative things, because I know that it's just not me.

[Clara22]

Happy birthday!!!!

[Frankbtl]

Happy birthday rukspc!!!!!!
This next year can be better, right??!!!
You have started it on the right tracks, you've moved away from him and you're starting to move forward!!!
It's all about you now remember, and we're here for you.

Alison

[rukspc]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi rukspc, I'd say to give yourself as long as you need/want. Grieving a loss (and the end of a relationship is a loss) can take time, moving on from negative effects of a relationship can take time...........and the fact is that although it still sounds really tough for you at times, it sounds like you have been doing really well in the process of adjusting. And you really do sound like you have a good approach towards trying to let go and move on.
Your birthday..........well that can still be a "landmark" occasion. It sounds like the relationship was hurting you, and not a "healthy" one??? so maybe on your birthday you can look back on how far you've actually come..........you managed to cut something/someone off from your life who could have been really destructive for you (and I'm sure that really wasn't easy for you!!), and you have managed to start on the process of healing from the ending of the relationship (and maybe what was going on in it). So, you know this last year.........since your last birthday you have come so far
So, no going and putting pressure or too many expectations on yourself, hey??
That you're trying to focus on you, that you're on a "track of self-development", that you're looking towards happiness and fulfillment is a real big achievement in itself and good on you!!!!
And for the times that are harder, which might surface here and there (hopefully less and less as time goes on- particularly with your strength of character!!!) just make sure you reach out for support when you need it...........and you always have us to drop in on!!!
Alison

Thanks for the support. However, I know what I did wrong in that relationship for him to break up with me in the first place. We never had a clean break and then only a few months ago, I finally had the courage to walk away from everything. Still, I worry about what I said, worry what he thinks and it just sucks the joy out of my life. This pattern keeps circling around in my head and I can't let things go. I know I have low self-esteem and I'm not confident. But I hide this when I'm with my friends. He was my first boyfriend and I was confident at first but I don't know what happened.. I just became this person I never thought I'd turn into and now it's all a mess in my head.

[Frankbtl]

Hi rukspc, I know this probably isn't going to help much (if at all!!) but you know SO few first relationships actually last on a long, long term basis. Relationships (although I hope the next one really works out) can be a bit of a learning curve. And although you may have made mistakes, I'm sure he would have as well, I'm sure he had stuff to learn too.
And even if his mistakes were more around not being able to support you when you were finding it hard then that's still a big part of contributing to a relationship. So perhaps the relationship just wasn't going to work out whatever???
And the next relationship you're in when you're ready..............well maybe there won't be the same issues because you'll be with someone different, but if there are then you're already well ahead in spotting some of those as they're coming up, and you can either work on resolving them together before........or if he turns out to be unsupportive you can more easily walk away.
So maybe try to take the positives away with you from the relationship?? You gave it a shot, which was great!!!! You found out that you could be confident in a relationship (from how you felt at the beginning), you did have some good times. It's just that this didn't seem the right relationship for you, it wasn't one that could/was going to last.
And the bit about what he thinks...........well you did your best/what you could at the time!!! You know that!!! Relationships and being in a relationship can sometimes be really tough. And it was your first boyfriend!!!! So no judging yourself on any of that, OK??!!!!
Let's focus on the way ahead, hey??
And please try not to let this knock your confidence too much in the future...........relationships can be so much better than the one you were in when there's that two-way communication, and when you're with someone who actually helps you in boosting your confidence and self-esteem. So take any lessons learnt from your last relationship and allow them to help you in moving on. And in finding and being in a relationship that's going to work better for you (when you're ready!!).

Alison

[Wish I was a cat]

I think giving yourself a timeline can make things worse. I did the same thing when my husband passed. I would tell myself that after passing a certain milestone like our anniversary date for instance, that I will feel better. It didn't. In fact, it made it worse because I didn't succeed and then I felt worse and disappointed that I couldn't stick to the timeline. There is no certain time that you can tell your grief and sadness to end. It will come in its own time.
Good luck to you!