[clearskys3]

At this point I really don't know what to do. I have completely fallen apart and I don't think I can do this much longer. I am so exhausted of the mental strain. My days consist of a constant mental battle with myself having a non stop feeling of anxiety and unsureness in my gut. My thoughts are all very self loathing and destructive.

I have developed an anxiety disorder called HOCD... It is absolutely aweful, basically I am terrified that I am turning gay even though I know I am straight and have never been the least bit unsure for 19 years. My mind is literally out to make me miserable, literally with this type of OCD my head is trying to trick me into thinking I am gay, there are moments were I realize how absouletly ridiculous it is and how obvious it is that I am not but then the next moment I am thrown back into this anxiety and am completely unsure, even though every day I can get aroused by girls for some reason this isn't enough to stop this, even though I know it is an anxiety disorder i cant beat it, I am making progress but it is so dificult and infuriating and so very hard to stay persistent.

I am also dealing with what I believe to be pelvic floor dysfunction but we are still not sure and I have been having very concerning symptoms in my genitals for 5 months... I am 19 and my penis hurts and is uncomfortable everyday... When these problems began my anxiety worsened, which I believe is how about a month ago or so is why this HOCD started because I have been over thinking everything and feel so unsure about everything.

I feel so hopelessly alone and like literally no one could love me, I can no longer even picture myself in a relationship which is what I used to want more than anything, just to have a person who had some understanding of me and cared about me, I still want it so bad but with all these other problems its so hard to even think that is a possibilty. I feel like I'm not a person, I hate myself and all my self loathing depresive thoughts. I hate my anxiety and unsureness, I feel absolutely insane and I don't know what to do.

I literally never imagined it could get this bad in my head. I have been unhappy since I was about 15 and I always thought I was depressed until about a year ago when it worsened so severely and I realize I had no idea how bad it could get. I felt like I was dead inside and the feeling continued to worsen. Now that all of these problems are here I feel so insane and horrible that I can't even believe it... I think it can always get worse and I am absolutely terrified it will just keep getting worse, it is getting really really hard... I know everyone is sad and life is hard but I can not put into words how difficult of a time I am having, literally even my own mind is against me...I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

[randomname21223]

The solution is fairly stupidly simple; take your mind off of everything. Play an internet game that you could play for hours. It will help you go on through your day and maybe give you something to look forward to. I also think it would help you to reserve a little bit of time to reflect upon your thoughts. Learn to trust yourself more often. Try your best to be confident in what you think. But my best tip would be to just get your mind off the situation.

I hope this helps.

[Frankbtl]

Hi clearskys, it sounds like you're going through a really rough time, right now. Can I ask if anything happened around the age of 15 to trigger some of this??? But don't answer if you don't want to.
Although nothing has to have happened then, and aside from that it can be a time of change, insecurities...................anyway..............
You could go down the route of finding distractions, of relaxation or mindfulness, challenging negative thoughts as they arise- and there are some CBT exercises/resources online you could try, using different grounding techniques.............
But by the sounds of it, I'd say it's maybe at the stage where you should see a doctor, pdoc or T..............what do you think, deep down???
That's not to say that there isn't some really good support out there (and on here!!!) though, so I'd say you could definitely make use of some of that too/anyway.

Still I do need to get in there with the anxieties about being gay, while I completely understand it might upset you if your innate sense of identity is whipped away from under you, you begin to doubt your own identity, you feel conflicted/confused by the thoughts/ruminations...........there would be nothing wrong at all with being gay if the thoughts/ruminations were right. So you're on pretty safe ground there...........maybe try to more "trivialize" them, negate them if you can and divert your thought process to something else????
And while I know finding/not finding a relationship feels important to you, you know that the self loathing/hopelessness/feeling you're not good enough/why should or would anyone care is likely linked with the depression so maybe time to put yourself first and get some help with all of that before thinking too much about a relationship.........because that really can come in time.

And just checking (!!)...........you are getting medical help/advise/treatment/tests with the pelvic floor dysfunction aren't you????

And.........I'm going on a bit now, aren't I??
So just to finish with saying welcome to PC, I'm sure you'll find plenty of information, advise, support here. And you're not alone now!!!!
Here if you want to talk more................



Alison

P.S. it might also help to check out this forum too:
OCD and Trichotillomania - Forums at Psych Central