Slipping.

I was happy for a while, genuinely happy. For seven months nothing could get me down. But this year is so different..It's my first year of high school and I'm finding myself constantly stressed, anxious, mad, and upset. Everyday I go to school, I feel like I'm trapped in a prison. I've faked happiness for almost two months. I covered up my insecurities and sadness with a huge ego. People think I'm pretty narcissistic actually. But it's fake. I'm stressed over grades; I'm already starting on scholarships. This one teacher has been making comments that come across as rude - so I talked to him. Apparently I "cause unnecessary drama, take things too personally, and MIGHT have issues with men". We discussed the last comment made and he dismissed it, but didn't apologize. He's wearing me down, but refuses to really listen to what I'm saying. After this happened, my friends made me hang out with them. I made an excuse to leave because I couldn't handle it. One of them texted saying that I'm a rude person. I explained to the two why I left. The girl who texted, didn't even really care. I texted this one person who I tell a lot of things too (he's the one who helped me get stable about 7 months ago) asking him to call me sometime because it's important. He never replied. I really feel like a terrible person. I wake up and feel useless, worthless, and pathetic. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy anymore. It feels like I'm slipping back to where I was, and that scares me because it took so long to recover from that. I'm scared that I'm going to end up hurting myself.

Hello CherryBerry: A couple of things occur to me here. First of all is simply that depression, feelings of worthlessness, etc. tend to be cyclical. Plus, in your case, you've just started high school. Perhaps you're in a different facility, with many new faces. Almost everything may be unfamiliar &, to some extent, unpredictable. So it makes sense that would be feeling down. And then, on top of this, it sounds as though you've experienced some unsettling interactions with one of your teachers & some friends recently. Add it all up & it makes for a rather uncomfortable time in your life at the moment.

In general, I would just suggest that it might be worthwhile for you to see a school counselor or a therapist, particularly if you feel uncomfortable sharing this with your family. You write you are faking happiness to cover up insecurities & sadness, & that people think you're narcissistic, but you're stressed. One can only go on living this kind of divided life for so long. At some point (hopefully sooner rather than later) you need to learn how to live from day-to-day as your real self, rather than as the type of person you imagine you need to be for whatever reason. It can take time & professional expertise to achieve this kind of integration. That is one of the main the reasons people see therapists.

It can be so hard to like yourself when other people treat you poorly. Add depression to the mix, and it is nearly impossible.

Skeezyks has a good point. Depression is cyclical. These dark feelings won't last forever. Will they come back? They might. But if you hold on, the darkness will be more than overcome with moments of beauty, joy and light. There are a lot of little things in life to appreciate, and you're so young. It's tragic that you have to go through this, but there is a purpose for your suffering. Maybe you're meant to inspire people someday.

As for how your "friends"-and especially your teacher!-treat you...it is despicable. You are a human being who is hurting. You deserve better, regardless of whether or not you believe it. People will come into your life who will treat you with kindness and respect; you just have to wait for them. Unfortunately, high school is filled with jerks. It's a law of nature.

I agree that you should see a therapist. This is a lot to try to deal with alone.

Here's an easy quick thing to try.

"SNAP CLUB"
http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

It works like M A G I C.

- vital