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#1
Dec 20, 2014, 04:58 PM
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Well guys, I think this is finally it. There is no reason to want to go forward anymore for me (sorry Kris, I know you love me, don't feel bad babe, you were the best thing that has happened in my life in the last 3 years).
I have finally been emotionally stripped bare. Stripped of my heart and soul. I can't explain how and why or what. It's just a feeling I've got/haven't got. I can't want or desire anything anymore. Note what I say - I CAN'T want or desire things anymore. How do you carry on when all the reasons are gone? When nothing matters anymore? I no longer desire anything - no family of my own, no home of my own, no wife, no children, no car, no job, basically, no life. These things have no appeal to me whatsoever. It is impossible for me to do anything anymore. Everything feels like a huge chore, and I mean everything. It's so huge I just leave it all together now. I just can't anymore, I don't have the strength. Why can't it all just come to an end already? What's the point of me having to stay? I've got nothing to do anymore. I'm too tired to search for reasons anymore. I can't live for someone else's reasons either. You can't fool life, it catches you out. It says "Hey, that's not your reason for living! Uh-Uh, go find yours." Well, I'm all out of reasons. I am pointless and aimless. I have written down necessary things on paper. I have left ideas hopefully to inspire others who have the drive and joie de vivre. I can't pursue them, I have no desire to fulfil them at all. 
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 Alone & confused, BubonicPlague, Fuzzybear, Rohag, shezbut
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#2
Dec 20, 2014, 05:11 PM
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I have feeling this has a lot to do with that girl you had feelings for and it didn't work out the way you wanted. Those kinds of feeling change. You get over it and have a new outlook. It might take time but it passes.
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
| Anonymous200265
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#3
Dec 20, 2014, 05:11 PM
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Quote:
 Against hope, I hope a reason finds you.
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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| Anonymous200265
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#4
Dec 20, 2014, 05:37 PM
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"Suffering is a wonderful teacher" from:
I've been wondering where you went to StbGuy. - vital
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#5
Dec 21, 2014, 12:07 AM
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Quote:
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| Anonymous200265
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#6
Dec 21, 2014, 04:02 AM
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You need help right NOW. Call your local emergency number
__________________
“All the darkness in the world cannot extinguish the light of a single candle.” -St. Francis of Assisi Diagnosis: Schizoaffective disorder Bipolar type PTSD Social Anxiety Disorder Anorexia Binge/Purge type |
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#7
Dec 21, 2014, 04:46 AM
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Oh guys, I don't know how to describe this.
It's not that I'm sad or longing, it's just a feeling that I am done or complete somehow. It's a feeling like everything that follows now is just a chore, a mechanical task and there's no desire to do anything. I've got huge ideas, world-changing ideas and dreams. But, it all seems so numb. I feel like I can do anything I set my mind to. My promoters and colleagues at university tell me I'm super-gifted and they wish they had the abilities I have. I am flattered by their compliments, but deep down I don't see that. To me, it's like they're just saying it because they perhaps notice I look down. But, I know they do really mean it. But, it all seems so pointless somehow. What's the point of even being a billionaire? Money never made me happy. But, that's all there seems to be worth living for nowadays - making money. It's just not enough for me. It's the desire to live and do things that has gone away from me. With effort I still achieve many things. While being depressed, I still completed a master's degree, did several seminars, presentations that bowled people over, and taught two years of classes on geology for non-final year students at my university, with extremely positive feedback from them, and I was recruited for the task again due to popular demand from my superiors. But, as great as that all is SUPPOSED to be for me, I feel pointless, worthless, empty, useless, unappealing and undeserving. I feel like there is nothing for me anymore. |
| Clara22
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#8
Dec 21, 2014, 04:49 AM
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#9
Dec 21, 2014, 04:58 AM
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Quote:
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
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#10
Dec 21, 2014, 05:03 AM
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Quote:
 
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#11
Dec 21, 2014, 05:07 AM
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Quote:
__________________
The "paradox" is only a conflict between reality and your feeling of what reality "ought to be." -- Richard Feynman Major Depressive Disorder Anxiety Disorder with some paranoid delusions thrown in for fun. Recovering Alcoholic and Addict Possibly on low end of bi polar spectrum...trying to decide. Male, 50 Fetzima 80mg Lamictal 100mg Remeron 30mg for sleep Klonopin .5mg twice a day, cutting this back |
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#12
Dec 21, 2014, 05:18 AM
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To vital.
Thanks for your "snap-club" item. You are right, solid decision-making is highly satisfying, but my problem is, it isn't satisfying for me anymore. I feel more empowered and enabled than I ever have in my life, but all the joy is gone. It used to be nice doing things. Now it's just doing things, without the nice part. I make many decisions on a daily basis, and I have successes too, but it is un-fulfilling. |
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#13
Dec 21, 2014, 05:21 AM
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Maybe I'm just a horrible person who cannot be satisfied? Maybe my wants or needs are so high they are impossible or unfathomable?
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#14
Dec 21, 2014, 06:53 AM
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No, you have depression, as you said. And depression works like that.
I was 17 when I got paralyzed because of a car accident. Despite the resulting disability and many subsequent health problems and surgeries I never got depressed at that time. Even though I was a working class individual in a wheelchair I got a degree and a professional certificate and got a job. I had great family and friends support. Then at certain point I move to the U.S. to learn English and to volunteer. I was living alone. I got a job first at an NGO. Then at an university and finally I worked for an international organization. I travelled a lot and met with high governmental officers. I got a master degree. Taking into account that I come from a poor neighborhood of a third world country I was considered an achiever and a good example. Then I got under depression. And I lost my joy, my motivation, my desire. And nothing was important anymore. Depression is a mental health condition that could reach everyone, the rich, the poor, the beautiful, the ugly, the tall, the short, etc. It took a long time for me to find appropriate help. But it is possible. Now I have hope. Some days are better than others. I learn from others here. A lot. I am sure you will find your own way. I am sending you a hug.
__________________
Clara Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism. It is not the conviction that something will turn out well, but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out. Vaclav Havel Last edited by Clara22; Dec 21, 2014 at 08:42 AM. Reason: Mistakes |
| Anonymous200265
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This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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