[shamon86]

So the short version of my story:
My mom passed about 7 years ago and about 3 years later my father, after not dating or having any relationship (that we know of), announces he is dating the pastor of our church. We knew her many years ago and she had recently come back to our city (I have no issues with her). Exactly 1 week later he announces they are engaged, and will be married 2 months later. I was devestated as I was already dealing with other issues. In the months and years that followed my life drastically changed (pretty much went to sh**) and much of that had to do with my father's decision to get married. I know it doesn't seem like it but that really is the short version. Anyway, I have a lot of anger over how he handled the whole thing and still haven't really gotten over it. I have no delusions that my dad is married, I know what happened and I know I cannot change it, but my T says I need to radically accept this. She says I don't need to change the fact that I'm angry or say I'm okay with it, but I need to stop suffering.
I have no idea what she means by this and furthermore how to do it. Has anyone heard of radical acceptance? What is it to you? Any advice on how to achieve this in my situation? Any suggestions are appreciated.

[Altered Moment]

It is a concept that comes from DBT. Dialectical Behavior Therapy.

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[Altered Moment]

It was originally developed for borderline personality disorder but it used all the time now for everything.

An Overview of Dialectical Behavior Therapy | Psych Central

Radical Acceptance Part 1

The fact is your Dad got married and he had every right to. There is absolutely nothing you can do about it or could have done about it. It is his life. You have no control over the thoughts, feelings, and actions of others. Facing the reality is radical acceptance. Once the fact is faced and accepted then you have a choice in how you choose to deal with it. I think your therapist is saying that your anger and feeling of betrayal is causing you to suffer. You can choose not to suffer because of it by accepting his decision and forgiving him for it.

[tallulahxoxo]

Do you still live with your dad?

[eskielover]

Why do you have a problem with your Dad finding someone & getting married. IMO, it proves that he had a good marriage to your mom or he wouldn't allow himself to have feelings for a new wife. Trusting that this marriage will make him as happy as his previous marriage.

Men also like to have someone there to take care of their home & make it less lonely.....where many times women are more independent after the loss or divorce from a husband...especially if they felt the marriage wasn't the greatest.

Radical acceptance is a DBT term.....it basically means that your Dad is remarried....you may not like it or the woman he married, but there isn't anything you can change about it....it is what it is.....so why make yourself miserable...because you are only making YOU miserable & accepting it without judging it good or bad is what you need to do.

What good is making yourself miserable doing for you?.....what are you getting out of the feeling.....hoping that it will make your Dad feel miserable for doing what he did.....its done.....he wouldn't have gotten remarried if he didn't believe that it was the right thing to do & that THEY were going to be happily married.

[tallulahxoxo]

I'm asking if you live with your dad because I think thats an important part of the situation.
For me, when my dad got remarried, I accepted it.
I tried to stay living with him (I was underage) & be happy but it wasn't a healthy environment for me.
So I moved. And I don't go to family functions with that side of the family. Because it isn't healthy for me.

Just because I accept it doesn't mean I want to be a part of it.

[shamon86]

I don't anymore. We lived (my brothers and I) all together as a family up until he got remarried.
After my mom died (honestly IMO after any immediate family member passes) we drew closer together. So my brothers and I and my father all became very close after. When he decided to remarry he gave up on the house that we grew up in to move in with his wife. My older brother found a wife and moved in with her after they married and my younger brother and I had to look for a place to live. I was trying to go back to school at the time and had made decisions in my life based on the fact that I thought I wouldn't have to pay rent or an electricity bill for a while. I took advantage of that situation and I guess I ended up paying for it.

Originally Posted by eskielover

Why do you have a problem with your Dad finding someone & getting married. IMO, it proves that he had a good marriage to your mom or he wouldn't allow himself to have feelings for a new wife. Trusting that this marriage will make him as happy as his previous marriage.

Men also like to have someone there to take care of their home & make it less lonely.....where many times women are more independent after the loss or divorce from a husband...especially if they felt the marriage wasn't the greatest.

Radical acceptance is a DBT term.....it basically means that your Dad is remarried....you may not like it or the woman he married, but there isn't anything you can change about it....it is what it is.....so why make yourself miserable...because you are only making YOU miserable & accepting it without judging it good or bad is what you need to do.

What good is making yourself miserable doing for you?.....what are you getting out of the feeling.....hoping that it will make your Dad feel miserable for doing what he did.....its done.....he wouldn't have gotten remarried if he didn't believe that it was the right thing to do & that THEY were going to be happily married.

Now imagine hearing all your life from your parents that you have to do marriage the "right" way. You meet, you date for a year or longer, you're engaged for a year or longer and then you get married.
Apparently my fathers instructions were always do as I say, not as I do cause that went out the window when he went from dating to being engaged in 1 week, and then married 2 months later.
Like I said before this is the short version of the story and he did a lot of things that hurt me in the process of him deciding to get married. He completely became a different man and father during that time. I don't have a problem with the women he married. She'll never be a mom to me. But that's okay because I already had one.
You sound just like all my family members during that time that he got married. "Oh just be happy for him, he deserves it". And he did deserve to be happy.
He still does. I never said that he didn't.
Nobody can possibly truly understand how I felt during that time, because everyone handles these types of situations differently. I feel like he took advantage of the fact that he thought I would forgive him easily and quickly because I'm his daughter and that's what's I've always done. But in the year and a half that I've been seeing my T and talking with her about it I do realize that firstly ME FEELING WERE VALID during that time and THEY STILL ARE. Yes, the second part of that is are they effective? No they aren't because I'm causing my own suffering, and I get that. Now realizing that and then trying to make myself feel that way are two different things. I'm working on it. But it's not as easy as you're making it out to be,

[tallulahxoxo]

So what I'm understanding is that you felt displaced?
Your feelings are definitely 100% valid.
I feel like I can relate.
When my dad remarried I kept trying to talk sense into him and he wouldn't listen, now he's in a situation where he is truly miserable..
I hope for your dad it's different and he found a good companion for life.
At any rate, you are his daughter. You know him better than nearly anyone.
I feel like radical acceptance is like "Okay, it is what it is, and I can choose whether or not I want to be a part of it"

I feel like we should treasure our feelings and never undervalue them.. I'm sure you're smart and it sounds like your dad rushed into things? I could be wrong. I felt like my dad was in such a rush.

Not to mention bros before hoes man. IF (God forbid) it doesn't work out, who will be there? YOU.
http://www.positivelypositive.com/20...ke-a-bad-mood/

I don't think this has anything to do with you not being happy for him.

[Altered Moment]

Let me use a couple of examples from my life. My dad is an alcoholic. I grew up in an alcoholic home and became an alcoholic myself. I am a so called ACOA and an alcoholic. I adopted certain roles and behaviors as a survival mechanism and a young kid that didn't serve me well as an adult. When I got clean and sober at age 32 and started working on this stuff in AA, Alanon, and therapy, I found out I had a lot of anger and hurt at my dad and my mom. My mom is a saint but her behaviors effected me, not in a good way, at that time. For a time is was easy to blame them and focus all my anger at them for how my life had turned out. It was pointed out to me and I learned that playing the victim role and focusing my anger at them was not doing me any good. I decided to take blame and fault totally out of the equation and to focus on responsibility. These were the cards life dealt me no matter how it came about and I was responsible for my life, my thoughts, my feelings, and my actions. I still had feelings and those feelings were valid. But getting rid of blame, fault, and victim freed up a ton of energy to focus on owning my feelings and processing them and moving on. It is what it is and it is my job to deal with it.

I have suffered from severe depression since I was 13 and I am now 50. When I got diagnosed and started getting treated for it which was a short time before i got sober I would go through periods of why me? why do I have to have depression too? Poor me. Life isn't fair. Well life isn't fair and the fact is I suffer from severe depression. Playing the victim even if I truly am a victim doesn't do me one wit of good. I suffer from severe depression and that is just how it is. Facing and accepting that fact doesn't mean the depression goes away. It frees up a lot of energy for me to do something about it. When I am the why me? victim I am stuck. Taking ownership and responsibility for the way things are lets me deal with them much better. I have more energy to focus on getting better. If it doesn't get better I can manage it better. I am much more content having accepted the way things are. Acceptance is often a very powerful solution. Acceptance, non judgement, and forgiveness.

My favorite prayer is the serenity prayer.

"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
the courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference."

Very powerful and keeps me focused on the right things in the right direction. It doesn't mean I don't have feelings about what I can't change but those feelings are my responsibility. They are valid but they are mine and how I am reacting to a situation and not the fault of the situation. That is how I view radical acceptance.

I am very sorry your Mom died and I am sure it caused huge distress in your family and I am sure you are still grieving. That is something you had not control over but you can choose how to grieve. You could get a bottle of wine every night and drown your sorrows, or rage at everyone around you, or grieve in a healthy way which it sounds like you are doing. Your dad may or may not have made a wise decision or maybe he didn't handle things well. That was his response and he is responsible for it.

[Altered Moment]

I don't mean to sound invalidating. Of course your feelings are valid. Radical Acceptance is kind of a harsh concept.

[shamon86]

Being validated is a touchy subject for me. I spent a long time feeling like I was "wrong" for feeling the way I do. You didn't sound invalidating. And yeah I've realized that radical acceptance is harsh.