Always Waiting

Always Waiting

Waiting to be loved
Always waiting to be rejected
Always waiting for a sign of trouble
Always giving then waiting with empty hands
Always waiting on the edge
Always waiting for the next wave of sadness
Always waiting with no expectations
Always waiting for things to change
Tired of waiting but I only know how to wait
Waiting to give up

I feel like you right now, the only thing we do is wait, everything else is pointless, it's like we're walking and looking for something to continue but the only thing that is waiting for us at the end of the road is a big hole of nothing.

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Hi geez, really well written!!!
It can seem like nothing's ever going to change, like you've got no real control over what happens, or you just haven't the energy/effort left to make any sort of a difference if there would be any point in trying anyway. And it's real hard, but you know even if you can only make real small changes for yourself, in what's going on around you, in your environment, in day-to-day things.........the more of those you can make.........well over time they can build up.
I certainly aren't saying "it's all as easy/simple as that" (!!!) but maybe with some real help/support.......in time..........
Just........you deserve much more than to be feeling like you are.........and if we can help you just a little with/through that...........if you want to talk a bit more about what's going on for you/in your life, right now............

Alison

Thank you Allison for the compliment and your kind thoughtful response.

The holidays are hard for most.

In short to be proactive I invited 'friends' over for a brunch on New Year's day. My husband was going to take the kids and do some work at his dad's. I didn't want to be alone and depressed. When I'm alone I tend to spiral down.

3 people were yes's. Of those 3, 1 person showed, 1 person forgot and one person called me the morning of and told me she's going out for breakfast with her boyfriend (after I talked to her the night before and she was coming over).

Mind you I went out of my way to make/put together: waffles w strawberries, whipped cream, toasted almonds, eggs, Cinnamon buns, croissants, eggs. fruit etc.. The person that called the morning of was family.

The one person that did show up was my MIL. And I think she came out of sympathy.

After my guest left my husband came home with my boys at 6pm. I cried when my 5yr old came up to me for a big hug. I love for my sons and their perfect love is what I live for.

Thanks for listening.

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Hi geez, I'd say that was very proactive!!!
Just like you said the holiday's can be really hard, and just as you're recouping (or not recouping!!) from Christmas there's New Year!! So well done!!!

The people who didn't turn up........well maybe New Year's eve to blame?? Then that could have been a bit of a bonus for you.......you know a bit wearing after all of the preparation, things catching up on you...........but just your MIL, well a bit easier to manage, a bit more "breathing" space???
And planning everything, putting all of that food together.......!!!! Well added bonus in still showing yourself that you could do that!!! Big achievement!!! You should be feeling really proud of yourself!!!!

From one perspective, it couldn't have gone better, hey??!!

But as for your MIL coming out of sympathy...........she still chose to spend that time with you, I'm sure she could have made an excuse or left really quickly if she wanted to......but who knows perhaps you did her a big favor by inviting her..........maybe she wanted a break from/to get out of home, maybe it made her feel wanted/special, maybe she appreciated not having to cook/prepare anything, maybe she felt it was nice to have someone else do that for her, maybe she wanted the opportunity to spend some time with you.

And really nice ending to your day!!!



Alison

Thank you Allison. I try to be proactive. Unfortunately I feel like I'm destined to always feel like I don't fit in and no one really cares.

And because I feel this way (having needs of belonging) I beat myself up mentally. I feel if I didn't have this neediness I would not be a depressed person.

It all feels pointless.

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Hi geez, do you think it could be working the other way around just as much..........the feeling that you don't fit in, that no-one really cares, the needs of belonging..........could maybe be coming from the depression itself??? Certainly the "beating yourself up" bit as well??
And maybe with some more help with the depression.............???
And maybe your family do really care, more that they don't quite "get it"??? But one sure thing is we care here!!!!
And hopefully here is at least somewhere you feel you can fit in/you don't need to be anyone but you............even if that's just until the depression eases with help and you can "feel more a part of life" out there.

Alison

TY (((Frankbtl))) I needed to hear that.

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