[jsue]

My husband suffers from depression, and admits it. But he feels that no one can possibly help him through his pain of past events of childhood and of our own marriage struggles. I love him. I hurt to watch him struggle. Days go by and he is full of sadness and depression has a hold on him. When he isn't depressed he has a good outlook and is positive about our future. When he is depressed he blames me and thinks that if we weren't living together he would be fine. I have been begging him for a year to get help...he doesn't because he doesn't want to be "medicated". I don't understand his thinking....

[spiritual_emergency]

<blockquote>
A number of men are extremely reluctant to enter into a therapeutic relationship. The only time I have actively sought counseling since my own experience (psychotic break) was to address the impact that experience had on my marriage. There was a point when my husband actually consented to go so I called and made an appointment, I then patiently waited the eight months it took to get in. A few days before we were scheduled to meet with the counselor, my father-in-law was hospitalized -- my husband had to go out of town. Any marital problems went into standby while he attended to his dying father and his own mourning. A few years later, when the bulk of that had been addressed, I felt it was time to refocus on the marriage but he was now back to the space of not wanting to go.

The solution that worked for us was... I created a blog that only he and I had access to. Into that space I dragged a number of articles primarily from (but not solely from) this site: marriagebuilders.com. There are likely other sites out there but I felt the structure that one offered could be borrowed on to help guide us through this process. Through the course of the week we were each obligated (and committed) to read the featured article and to write up our own response for the other to read. Once a week, we would sit down to discuss what we had learned about our marriage and each other.

Much to my relief, my husband warmed to the approach. For starters, he liked "this guy" (the founder of the marriage builders site) -- it may have made a difference that he was also male. Meantime, our "therapy" wasn't costing us hundreds of dollars, he didn't find it threatening, it introduced some valuable self-reflective time and it produced a beneficial result. My husband has stopped blaming me for having a breakdown; he no longer resents that he had to pick up the slack while I was incapable of being the parent and partner I had been; he understands now that my withdrawal from him was not personal -- it was very necessary for my own recovery. I've also stopped resenting him for not providing the same degree of emotional support that I was able to find from some of my closest friends; I've accepted that process was frightening and difficult for him; I understand his withdrawal from me; I've stopped resenting him for blaming and judging me; I've been able to see where he was offering the best support he was capable of giving -- we understand where the other was coming from.

That's one idea that might help you tackle your marital difficulties although it doesn't address the personal aspects that your husband brings to them. However, if he has a positive exposure to therapy he may be more open to pursue it for his own personal problems.

It's worth considering that to be a man in this world is not the equivalent of being a woman. This can be frustrating for the woman in a man's life because she wants to help him but may be mistaken in believing that what has been most helpful to her, will be most helpful to him. Women often respond well to "talk therapy" but men may have different ways of handling their emotions. Here's a site that also may be helpful to you and your husband: Men's Web

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central.
I agree with the above statement. Some men are reluctant to get therapeutic help. In this case, you need to set some boundaries in your home, since your husbands depression will start affecting your mental health and your marriage as well from his refusal to get help for his issues.
I would highly suggest seeking out marriage counseling or professional therapy for yourself, to help you address and set the boundaries you are going to need to set for the safety of your own mental health and marital well being.
I hope the best for you and your family. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

welcome to PC. men are more resistant to counseling than women. the above information is really good......good luck and continue to post amd keep us updated. pat

[desperado]

((((((((((((((((((((((jsue)))))))))))))))))))))

It's so hard to watch a loved one suffer.......espec when they refuse help.............

[Juliana]

jsue, I feel for you. I'm pretty sure my ex-boyfriend was bipolar. He was never officially dianosed because he refused to admit he had a problem and wouldn't talk to a doctor about it. He always says he just has "an extreme personality." He also said he would NEVER take medication because it would interfere with his creativity (he's a musician). When he was manic, I never knew what he would do next and when he was depressed, it was so painful for me to watch because I loved him so much and just wanted him to be happy. It hurts to see someone you love in SO much pain. He really believed that his pain was more intense than anyone else's and talking to a professional wouldn't do any good, because no one could possibly understand him. So, I finally had to admit to myself that I couldn't make him get help. That's a decision he will have to make for himself... and I hope he makes that decision some day.

I'm glad your husband can admit that he has depression. That's the first step. I wish he would get some professional help. Only he can make that decision, though. As someone who struggles with depression, I know how hopeless it makes me feel and there have been many times when I didn't feel like therapy or medication would help. Depression is a very painful, self-defeating disease. It's hard to reach out for help when you don't feel like it will do any good. I finally did get help, though, and it made a big, positive difference in my life.

Anyway, I wish I had a solution for you. I know what a horrible position you're in. ((((Hugs)))) to you and your husband. Depression is so painful -- both for those who are depressed and those who love them. My father suffers from depression too and he admits it, but he will not accept professional help -- therapy or medication. He just believes that's the way he is and nothing will change it. He also doesn't believe in taking any drugs. It's very hard on my mother when he's depressed.

[EJ711]

Jsue,

Unfortunately I understand.

Keep posting.

Welcome -- you have found a good place.

Hugs,

EJ

[Juliana]

Spiritual_Emergency, I just wanted to thank you for your thoughtful and informative posts. You've done the research and hard work that I'm too lazy and pre-occupied to do. I've found some of the resources you've shared links to extremely helpful. Thank you so much for being so insightful, generous and informative.

[cajun]

My wife dragged me kicking and screaming. Glad I went now.