[TheFGChick]

I'm fine now, perfectly fine, I just have a little story to tell about, well, I guess my childhood. I will never tell my friends about my past or if I'm feeling something that's difficult to shake, because being my own person I know I wouldn't want to hear it but that's why this is here... So here it goes.
I'm sure many people have had much more difficult childhoods. Mine seemed fine, and it was good in the beginning, especially as the first child. Then, you know, my brother happened. No, he's not overshadowing me, it's not like I didn't get all the attention anymore and it was not just me, that wasn't it at all. I was very happy to have a brother, especially as a little kid. At first, my brother was normal. He was a happy little guy.
Then my brother became, well, abnormal. It just seemed to happen really quickly. All of a sudden my parents were fighting. They were screaming, ranting, and raving all the time, and my brother was the cause. He had ADHD and exhibited inappropriate behavior like grabbing his penis at school, and apparently this was a really big deal. It just became this swell of tension in the house, and it did seem like I was like... In my own corner. So I became really obsessive about my homework around this time. I don't know why, I think in retrospect I was preoccupying myself because there wasn't much else. Nobody was pushing me out of the house, nobody was asking me about my friends, it was just me and myself and I. So I stayed in the basement for hours writing and rewriting my 5th grade assignments. My compulsive behavior set me apart, in good and bad ways. In basketball, for example, I got really good even though I was really slow at the time. I would play for 2 hours a day minimum, and during the summer I would play up to 5 hours a day. I averaged around 18 ppg for my school team and scored 37 points once. In cross-country I surpassed an MS record because I came in second behind a girl that had been actually training for cross-country, as had most people in the race, which I hadn't been doing at all. People noticed, and it felt really good. I got really skinny (not really before the race but afterward) and ate like 800 calories a day, which sounds so "oh wow I got to this point, the point where I was stupid and thought I was fat" but that's not what I was thinking I literally thought that I was doing what it took to succeed in sports. I didn't know that eating that little was like... bad. I mean I didn't think that I was technically starving myself, because I wasn't. I thought I was eating healthy, in contrast to the people around me. I was just not eating enough. My parents didn't cook dinner even though since the time I was 4, my mom has been stay-at-home, I would eat bread with applesauce for dinner and they wouldn't really notice. Then during the winter it got really bad. I would just sit in my room and cry and cry for no reason at all. My parents didn't ever notice. I just got really compulsive. After a basketball practice when I was little, I had to make 5 shots in a row from certain spots. When I didn't, I would keep doing it and keep doing it until I did. My dad would scream at me to stop, and I would say, "No, one more time!" until I finally did it. On more than a few occasions he would punish me for it and make me stay home from family outings. I would, of course, cry, and then I would do it again and again and again. It felt so negative the whole time I was doing it, and I felt really bad about my compulsivity affecting things. Eventually, I was hospitalized for self-injury where my friends found out and kind of told a lot of people, and people began asking me about it and it was a... well, it was really bad. I wasn't sure how to respond to questions about it, and pulled away.
Fast-forward to now. I went to high school and I'm a completely different person now than even a year ago. I have a ton of acquaintances, but now I withhold basically all of my personal information. I've become the most outgoing person ever haha seriously I talk so much, love to do it, Most Promising Frosh on the track squad and varsity last year, got a freshman record in the 800 am closing in on sub 1:00 in the 400, was a sprinter, 9 seconds dropped off my 400m time, and because I enjoy running more I'm running cc instead of playing basketball in the fall. I may go to states this year in the 800, long, long-term goal is to run in college if it happens it happens. If not, fine, but all I can do is my best. My brother's behavior is worse than ever, he has Aspurger's syndrome ("high-functioning" autism, though he is on the lower-functioning end of that scale). He throws wild tantrums, once %#@&#! in my body wash and when I poured it out I freaked out, throws glasses against the wall, punched me and gave me a bloody nose for absolutely no reason, etc. He told me a week ago that he was going to kill me in my sleep because I played my music too loud, and I haven't said a word to him in 3 months (the norm). I don't ignore him, but all he ever does is play video games and he has inability to understand social language (literally, his psychologist had him take a test), All this is going on, and then I go to school and want to act completely normal. Which I am. Some of my compulsivity still shines through.
Now here's the problem. I want to balance my compulsivity with my laid-back, try my best thing that I've learned suits me relatively well. When bad things happen, in my try my best mode I feel the best and recover quickly, but in this mode my school-work has become very low priority. In MS I was so compulsive I got a 4.0 until I took a hiatus from sports in 8th, which was a long time ago but yeah um. Now I have like a 3.3 or 3.4, and I never apply myself in school except in English. I have so much on my plate, and my parents don't even know what events I'm running or anything. They act so immature toward each other and in dealing with my brother that I've let them know, and I firmly stand by this, that as soon as I can I am moving across the country from them. I don't know how else to reach them. I've tried talking with them, they're either "too busy," or "distracted" or they get upset or something. I've tried saying it nicely, trust me. Like, "Can you guys act like adults please and stop arguing and talking about this in front of me?" You know, simple on your level stuff. They don't get it. I feel frustrated. They are unorganized, they procrastinate, they're not fun. I'm the kind of person who always wants to have fun with everything, and they don't want to do anything. SO MANY THINGS I feel like I'm dealing with right now. Oh, another thing. My dad has Aspurger's too, and my mom says he does.
ADKFAJSDLFK.
Sorry guys, I could go on and on. I just don't want to, lol.

whoa............................you are dealing with too much by yourself.

are there counselors at school? a trusted coach? a therapist that you could see.......no one should try to deal with what you're dealing with alone.......

i really commend you for your running and hey, a 3.4 isn't that bad......

try to find someone IRL to talk to and keep posting here. eat right and get enough rest.

i'm sorry that your life is so frenetic and wild right now. please keep posting and talking.......xoxoxo pat

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. There is also chat that is available here at Psych Central as ell if you ever want to chat just PM. Take care and good day. Soidhonia

[Christina86]

((((((((TheFGChick))))))))))

Welcome to PC.

Oh wow you've got a lot of stuff to deal with.

Is there anyone IRL that you can talk to outside your family that would be willing to help? Nobody should have to deal with all that by themselves.

Take care of yourself.