[RenouncedTroglodyte]

How's it going guys?

My depression has many reasons for it to grow on me, including: Extreme self-doubt, the lowest self-esteem known to man, very annoying obsessive repeated thoughts and behavior, and one in particular that includes my family, and I shall openly talk about that.

My parents still don't believe that I can handle myself, my "twenty one year-old" self. My father still asks me whether I mastered English or not (I'm Arabian, BTW), still asks after years upon years of me proving to him that I can indeed listen and understand English. Granted, it is not perfect, but that is who we are, imperfect 3 dimensional beings. My entire family never gave me the chance to speak my mind and fully address my thoughts, and this silencing comes from the idea of them wanting to fully speak their minds, which they perfectly do, while simultaneously not allowing any respond that would violate those thoughts and beliefs in any way, and my job is to just listen, and blindly agree.

I'm stressed out and depressed all the time, because me, on the other hand, never wanted to annoy my family by being talkative in any way. Do you see the irony of my situation? (Me and my family are both responsible for my frustration). I don't think they are ready to hear my thoughts, and if they do, they won't understand, not simply understand, but fully understand each word and see my point. It's like "We know best, and you SHOULD ALWAYS LISTEN to us. Be strong, it's nothing!" and that's only a fraction of what I always hear from them in response to my topic of discussion. And then I go to my room and lock myself in, and lash the hell out of myself for not making them understand by using my logic, but then I tell myself "I don't want to be rude. Just endure and take it, they well listen someday".

The bright side of all this, is that I know exactly what it feels like to be misunderstood, or not being able to finish a sentence even, which means that I'm totally not going to make my children (yet to be born, though) experience the urge of letting out burning thoughts while also not being able to do so.

Sorry for not being brief, but I'm simply speaking my mind, I'm sure you all understand this feeling of finally exploding in any way, while also having someone to listen to you.

Thanks!

[Frankbtl]

Hi RenouncedTroglodyte, welcome to PC!!
I'm sorry you're having to go through this with your family, and I can certainly see how the situation could be contributing to your depression and low self-esteem.
But just keep remembering that just because they don't want to listen to or disagree with your views that doesn't need to make them/your views "wrong" or less valuable, you know that don't you??
Your views do matter!! I don't know if it's a situation where they've got used to "dictating"/not listening to your views and you may be able to very gradually put a little more force......and a little more force.......behind some of the opinions you have........gradually get them to listen just a bit more..............??
But if not, hopefully you have or can find other "outlets" (family members or friends) whereas you can be yourself, express yourself and feel more respected and valued???
I know it has to be so frustrating, undermining to have your family behave like this, but maybe in their view they are trying to "lead you down the right path" as they see it, and give you the benefit of recognising the "right" way in the world as they see it.
But just as you said you don't have to follow in their footsteps. Your views, opinions do/will matter. So just try to be proud of those, hey? And the fact that you have the strength to hold on to these despite being told what you "should" think. Let it comfort you that you are still "your own person"/you still have your own identity in all of this and you will have the opportunity to make that really count with others.
And you know if you want to talk then we're pretty open here too, so just feel free to express yourself...........about your opinions, you views, the way you're feeling, whatever you want to say.

Alison

i'm with you on this.

my family are just like yours.... don't give a monkeys

as long as they are okay, i don't matter

you are not alone in this!

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by RenouncedTroglodyte

I don't think they are ready to hear my thoughts, and if they do, they won't understand

I agree. I believe you understand your situation well.

Do you have people outside your family to whom you can speak freely? I have some appreciation of the deeply rooted stigma attached to seeking mental health services in some places. I know you must act discreetly.

Please make yourself at home here, RenouncedTroglodyte.

[Fuzzybear]

My foo (family of origin) also don't give a ... monkeys (was going to use another term..)

welcome to pc

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Thank you, guys! I do believe that I am certainly not alone in regards to this situation. And this place is indeed very warming! I already feel like this is indeed a second home.

I have to say though, my parents are awesome, I don't think there are any other parents like them out there, but my point being, is that they just don't get it, I just hope they could remind themselves of such situation that they were in when they were my age, they just give advices (quite valuable ones) while not seeing my point entirely, and these advices (the quite valuable ones) are stuff that I totally understood a decade ago, but they see one point in my speech, and then carry on with it, without me finishing up my speech, and then, you know the rest.

The situation is definitely much more heated on my end with my brothers (they are also awesome), because I'm also the youngest one. That's why I haven't been involved in an argument with them for a very long time, and it's one of the many reasons why I lock myself in my room, not wanting to see anybody, while also not being interested in the outside world, but that's a different story.

My mom at least listens to my nerdy stuff, as I lay them of my mind, she tells me to keep doing that, since that is also educating her further. My mom is the best in the family, not just because she listens to me in such speeches, but because she is a great human being.

As you can see, I talk a lot, there's too much in my mind to be addressed, and I feel that I just found the right place to do so!

[Idiot17]

A lot you wrote about your family I could say the same to regarding mine. Even though I'm not a kid anymore they won't trust me nor think I'm capable of doing anything that they remotely think I can't deal with. (Being out late at night...who I can date....)

I resigned myself to the fact that they will never even try to understand me.

Hugs to you. Good luck with them.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Rohag

Do you have people outside your family to whom you can speak freely?

I do have my best friend, we have been friends since we were 9 years old for about 12 years now, he suffers from the same problem, so he definitely understands. I can totally speak freely with him, he's not just the best friend or true friend, he's the only one, and now he's going away, out of town to study for years, but that doesn't mean we are disconnected until further notice, we'll stay in touch, and keep talking about the bothering of the botherers!

[Frankbtl]

Hi Renounced Troglodyte, it's really good that your parents seem to care in some ways
I'm just wondering whether this not listening, having fixed views.........might have come from the way they were raised/their parents???
Maybe they were taught that they had to feel/believe/think..........and they're passing that onto you wherever they can..........or maybe their parents weren't as interested so they're all the more determined to "do right" with/for you............or maybe they're even being "over protective" at times/not seeing that you're grown up enough to have opinions that might be different from theirs but can still be valid???
Still maybe there are times when you just know what they are going to say so perhaps at those times you can get in first with something like "I know.......(whatever they'd say) but..........(and put in an argument for what you think)"?? That way it shows that you have understood and have considered their views but you've also got your own opinion.
And maybe try to throw in a bit more explanation (even evidence!!) as to why you feel/think the way you do about certain things.
I'd say though (by the sounds of it) that there will probably be some things they just aren't going to want to listen to/can't understand/disagree with.........but that can still be OK can't it/can it???........if they're "awesome" in other areas???
Maybe try to talk to them more about things they are supportive with, have them help you with things they are helpful with, do things with them that do feel good.........and for other things, well there will be other people who do "get where you're coming from"/who do understand/who you can talk to..............
And perhaps just a little bit of the same with your brothers??? Find neutral things to talk to them about/to do with them if some things only bring conflict??? Unless it's more complicated than that???
And nothing wrong with limiting your involvement with your brothers if things are just too tense..........just try not to let that impact on the way you feel about yourself, or let them cause you to isolate yourself from others who do understand, hey??!!
And you're right, you've definitely come to a good place to address what's on your mind!! Good to have you with us.
Alison

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Thank you, Alison! I have to say, your advices WILL be taken! You should rest assured knowing that!

I think ALL parents care, but in their own ways. Yours and mine have their own ways. Like you said, it could be the way they were raised, or the the experiences they have from the outside world. I keep thinking that at some point I don't want to argue because I love them so very much, I don't want to hurt them just so that I could feel better, because my voice could get a bit higher than usual when I'm trying to prove something, and that's energy, not anger.

Like you mentioned, an explanation and evidence will come in handy, but again, this will take some practice in lowering my voice to the people who endured me as a baby, I woke them up at night, and they kept me in for 21 years, I SHOULD NOT and WILL NOT bother them much more than I already did, but my situation still hurts my brain and does happen often, but I will try to end it once and for all in tying different ways in delivering a point without any frustration involved.

Thanks again! You are helping me, even though you are not getting something in return, that is just valuable! Be proud of yourself!

[Frankbtl]

Hey RenouncedTroglodyte, many thanks for the message, and "just" the opportunity to try to help is getting something back!!
So just remember, if I'm off target anywhere, just come straight back at me and let me know (no-one's perfect!! ) and I'll give things a rethink. You deserve help!!!
And you should feel proud of yourself for getting on here and reaching out for help!!
Alison