Faking it...

I went to therapy today and everything was fine until the subject of me finding a friend came up.

I live in a small town and I feel like I don't fit in anywhere. While at the same time I put myself out there in the hopes of finding a real friendship.

I put on a mask when on the inside I feel like I could cry at any moment. I turn on a switch to block the pain. The pain that feels unbearable at times I imagine the unthinkable.

I feel like I can't let out my sorrow in therapy completely. I feel like my therapist is my last hope for help and yet I'm afraid of leaning too heavily on her.

Crying.....

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It can be hard to make friends. I am very outgoing but I don't make friends easily because I don't trust people. I know what you mean by putting on a mask and faking it because I do this everyday.

As you are seeing your therapist for help, try and find a way to be open and honest with her. I can't go to a therapist, but I know when I am going to the doctor for an appointment I will write down a list of my problems because I know when I get in there I will freeze up and not tell the doctor what I need to tell him. Would making a list of things ahead of time before your therapist appointment help?

Love and best wishes

Hi geez, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time
And the idea of finding a "real friendship" when you're depressed can seem/feel almost impossible at times. So maybe break that down into something a bit more manageable, something that doesn't trigger that "hopeless" feeling about finding a "real friendship" quite as much???
Perhaps aim for talking to people a little more or finding something in common with someone to talk about for starters or regularly greeting someone or...........just focus a little more on doing some of the smaller things that might open up to a friendship developing in time, hey??
And maybe you don't "fit in" if other people seem so different.........but then maybe you don't have to "fit in" to still have some really meaningful relationships. Maybe some common ground or maybe differences can bring you together with others. Sometimes "standing out" can be even better than "fitting in", and sometimes people (including yourself!!) can really value that about you.
Or maybe, the depression is stopping you from "fitting in" or telling you that you don't "fit in" and with some help with the depression...............
And as for completely letting out your sorrow in therapy...........perhaps talk to your therapist about what's holding you back, give them the chance to reassure you, to agree with you how they're going to help you with those things holding you back.........e.g. maybe they've specific/personal ways of working that minimise the risk of people becoming "overdependent" on them.
Good on you for wanting, reaching for help with what you're going through, and in trying to make changes though!!!
It can take time, but.............
Alison