[Serenity]

*hehehe* good new thread...*carefull hides behind couch*

And she says.....

I don't remember if I've posted this before or not, but I think it's certainly worth another read. It not only helps with the way we talk to ourselves, our "inner dialog," but with the way we perceive or take in what others say to us.

Beauty Is In The "I"

There is much talk today about boundaries, personal power and positive affirmations. Core to these aspects of personal awareness is the "I" statement. Whether in conversation with another or as part of the self-talk (our internal running commentary on what we are doing or what we perceive others as doing),** the "I" is critical to boundary clarification and personal empowerment. This article will address the role of the "I" in boundary clarification.

For a moment, close your eyes and imagine your boundary. It should encircle you and separate you from the "outside world." Everything inside of the boundary is YOU, everything outside is OTHER. Inside the boundary are all the aspects of Self that defines YOU as a unique individual. YOU are defined by your wants, needs, likes, dislikes, beliefs, loves and passions. The many aspects of Self are owned by the word "I" and when communicated, allows Others to know something about who you are. When you tell someone "I want..." "I need..." or "I feel..." you are sharing pieces of who you are with them. "I" statements are uniquely yours, and reflect values and aspects of the self that may or may not be shared by those around you.

Boundaries can be thought of as firm yet flexible. Your boundary moves with you and is selectively "permeable." You are in charge of what you allow into your boundary. If something comes at you that you agree with or fits your experience of yourself, you can choose to allow it in and incorporate it into your "I" messages and self-talk. If, however, something is not a part of you or is not true for you, you can choose to leave it outside of your boundary.

Many of us struggle with "You" statements or critical comments that may be thrown our way. Often, people share with me their deep hurt from what others say or think. They have not developed an internal mechanism for disarming these potentially toxic messages.

If you remember that your boundary is in your control, you can choose to let other's thoughts and opinions stay outside. Their negative statements are not automatically "Yours." If they are not brought in and owned bye the "I" they remain in the real of the "Other." You do not have to take them on. If someone pays you a compliment, you can choose to take it in, but it is still about the other. If I say I like something about you, I am telling you something about my preferences, values or opinions. If I tell you that I hate the same thing, I am still telling you something about me.

Remembering that other's opinions tell us something a bout them, not about us, is very important! When we are children, we learn much of who we are by what others tell us about ourselves. Hopefully, the messages have been positive. However, it is more commonly true that we hear critical and toxic messages that we internalize and make part of our own self-talk. As an adult, being aware of these critical messages, and making the choice to re-evaluate whether the messages are Yours, or belong in the realm of the Other, allows you to begin the process of changing your old self-talk into new empowering, nurturing messages. It is the first step toward defusing and disowning a message that has no place in your repertoire of self-talk.

"You" messages usually are inherently boundary violations. No one else can tell us what we think or fell, though often Others will try to do this very thing. You are the only one living in your body, and the only one who can report to an Other what you think of feel. Others can ask, they may assume, but they cannot KNOW until we tell them with our "I" statements.

It is important for us to take note of how we think and feel about the many choices we face daily. If we become captive to everyone else's ideas as to what we should or should not do, we lose our sense of who we are. The boundary blurs and we will not differentiate who we are from others around us.

So, remember to visualize your boundary. You have control over it. It belongs to you. What is inside is YOU, what is outside is OTHER. Everything inside composes the "I" and who you are. This is dynamic and growing as each day brings new awareness and insight. Living with the "I" keeps your boundary clear and the Self empowered.
_______________________________________________________________

Sheila K. McHenry Worman, Psy D., MFCC


Don't die with your music still inside you.

[SeptemberMorn]

hehehe You got me, Girl! I couldn't figure out what had happened at first.

I'm glad you thought it was worth reposting. No need to hide behind the couch. {{{{{{{{{Serenity}}}}}}}}}}} It's a great validation for me, doing that.

Thank you, Sweetie!

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

Ok ladies I have printed this off, because I loved it.

I want to be able to read it when I am truly down, and truly need to be in a better place.

It is inspring to see someone post something like this..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Serenity]

phwew ok she didnt throw pots n pans at me for doing that...knew Id drag it over to a new thread yet...and yes....its a wonderful Post Sept...worth posting a million times

[Serenity]

*points at Spet* She did it...I just drug it to a new thread soI wouldnt get lost

[SeptemberMorn]

Nope! Nope! Nope! She ::oint at Serenty::: did it!! I had it nicely tucked away and she drug it out! You did it! Now fess up, girl, or I'll sick my attack cat on you! Just don't yell too loud or he'll run under the couch!! Oh yeah! Your tootsies will be a nice little snack for him! Hmmm.... hehehehehe

Caesar! Attack! No silly cat! Not that couch, the other one!! Oh, well... I tried.

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[LadyDragus]

well who ever posted it. Thank you both for bringing it up again to the top..
I like it and it should be up on top

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Serenity]

Yeah what she said *hair flip*

[LadyDragus]

you had better watch it.. jCeaser sounds like a mean Cat.. and he likes to nibble on toes.. I hate that about cats..

Mine used to always lick my toes.. no matter what.. He also liked to sit and watch me take my bubble baths....
HEHEHE that is normally how he got his bath too..

This little kitty almost looks like what my fuzzie looked like when I first brought him home.. He is now in kitty heaven...

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[SeptemberMorn]

Hey! None of that "hair flippin' " at me, Young Lady! hehehehe

Ok, ok... Serenity takes all the credit for giving it it's own thread! "Beauty" appreciates it very much to be put in such a place of honor.

Thank you ever so much, Serenity!

It's really a good thing, me thinks!!

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Serenity]

lol my black Lab is named "Caesar" Hmm a dog and a cat hmmmm that's scary

[SeptemberMorn]

You know, Serenity, I think she left out a good point that should have been addressed and that's Constructive Critisism. I haven't thought much more about it than that. Suppose if the person giving the critisism did it caringly and with all I statements, it would be accepted easier. When I get one of those, and there have been times when it's been shouted in my face, I'll just let the initial feelings subside and then I'll think about what was said, putting myself in place of the person who said it. If I find that there is even the smallest reason for that person feeling that way, I try to change whatever it was that upset the other.

Sometimes I've gotten really frustrated because it seems I've had to learn to speak English all over again!!! I rebelled alot about changing how I say things. Why can't I just say it the way I feel it, dang it!? Why can't the other person understand?? But if I stop and think of how I would have felt had it been said to me in that tone or in those words, I would have gotten mad or hurt, too.

This article says that we're to stay in the "I"... "I feel... I need... I want" "I"! "I"! "I"! Yikes! Then I've read that we're supposed to be careful of people who's "I's" (eyes, too) are too close together. In English, it's not good form to start sentences with "I"! GEEZ!!!! Where do you draw the line??

Hope you or someone else reading this has some ideas, 'cause I sure haven't figured it out yet! I always start too many sentences with "I"! hehe

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

HAHAHA Really? How about that! hehe

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Serenity]

ouch....I always had a hard time with "constructive criticism" I never understood the constructive part of being hurt with words.
But you're also right...once the emotional side has reacted and settled...its possible to go back and rethink the words said...who they came from..and why....sometimes they werent meant to hurt. but its hard when one is so sensitive.
Yeah I have a a hard time with the "I" statements....I never felt "I" mattered so why would I start off a sentence with it? It was always more important what "you" thought,felt,etc....
My therapist was the first to "make' me use "I" to put a value to myself. I despised it and it was extremely awkward.
Yet on the other hand...I agree when in an argument or on touchy ground...you'll disarm someone much easier starting with "I felt..." or whatever ...than "YOU made me...." Its not so confrontational or "attacking somehow...but no I dont think "I" is always appropriate when considering someone elses feelings....after too many "I's" you sound rather self centered dont you think? Just my opinion

[Rapunzel]

I think that "I" statements have their place, but I always watch for too many "I's" in my writing because I dont want it to sound self-centered. If I don't watch it I find myself putting in "I" almost every other word!

If you are talking about how you feel, "I" statements are the way to go though. Maybe the key is to make sure that the other person has a chance to express their feelings too.

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[LadyDragus]

our lab is named Rouffs (sp) he is almost a year old..

and my kitty is in kitty heaven....

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Serenity]

My Saved from the pound baby is "Kayla"(My shadow)

[LadyDragus]

that is where I got my first kitten.. when i was like 6 I think.. she lived with me till I got married and moved 168 miles away, then when I came down for vaction, to bring her home.. My mom said the bus hit her picking up the kids a few days ago..

Sad was I, when I did nto even get to say goodbye

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[SeptemberMorn]

" I dont think "I" is always appropriate when considering someone elses feelings"

Strange, but that's when you need to use I statements the most. The only other way to state your feelings is "You made me feel _____ when ____" That's an acussatory statement. Besides, all things being equal, other people can't Make you anything! It's our own choice whether we get angry or not, whether we get hurt or not. Whether we respond in kind or not. Of course, it takes a whole lot of practise before you get good at it. ggrrrr If you know what I mean.

Yes, I showed a teeny bit of emotion there, but it's okay to feel it. It's what you do with it that counts. Again, another choice.

Something else I learned during therpay was to STOP - THINK - ACT. When something happens, whether someone said something to you that hurt or if you live with anxiety and panic; before you fly off the handle, STOP. Count to ten, take a deep breath, whatever helps. Then... THINK about what was said or what it is that's making you anxious or panicky. Think it through, catch yourself on the negative thinking like "I ALWAYS..." or "They ALWAYS..." If you stop and think about it, "always" isn't always true. "What if" thinking gets you in trouble, too. After you've defused the situation by thinking through it, you can ACT ON the matter. Don't REact! Reacting is like a knee-jerk; no control, no aim, no thought. It just happens. Most of these times, we wind up regreting what we said or did... or didn't do.

Hey, Serenity! Thanks for dragging my soapbox out for me! hehehe I'm climbing down off of it for now, though.

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Serenity]

*grabs the duster and spritzes off the Box* Be my Guest dear lady...your words of wisdom(and opinions ) are always very enlightening to me...once again ya caught me saying somethign that didnt come out right...imagine that lol
No...saying "you" can be accusatory, most agreed....just meant always saying "I" makes it seems like "I" am all that matters and "you" dont. Ive been with someone who CONSTANTLY says "I" this and "I" that...to be honest it drove me quite mad.....I got to the point I didnt think there was anyone else BUT him. "i..I ...I...I" Yeah ,whatever get over it, I would think..."I" have had enough of all the "YOU's"!! dangit.

I bet I said that wrong again didnt I? You get what I mean though?

[SeptemberMorn]

hahaha I know what you meant. There's some people that say "I do that the best... I have the fastest car... I can do that better than anyone... I have always done one better than you... I know what you mean." hehe Right?

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Ok, Missy... It's your thread and I have just dusted my hands off from a "mess" I got myself into... So where are we going with this thread, eh?

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[Serenity]

Hmmm keep your hands outta the flour then lol :P
Saves on the dusting,blech
Is this the proverbial "fork" in the road? Gawd I hate make decisions lol Can't I jsut follow you?
Here I go with my dread of the "I" statements..."You" choose
I could really expand on the "Beauty in the I" But I see very little beauty...I see strengths and good qualities...but I dont beleive I'd call it Beauty *sigh*(Im referring to myself here) HEY an "I" statement!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok that wasnt so bad after all
I do have to say my heart is sad and struggling right now over other posts. And I do NOT want to get into commenting on them or the such...Other then that...the Universe is for the taking...

[SeptemberMorn]

Ok... if you don't see beauty but rather stengths and qualities, go for it! Expand on it/them. "I want..." to hear what you have to say. hehehe

Just please don't slap my hands 'cause they've been in the flour, though, ok? "I'll try..." to not do it again. hehehehe

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>

[SeptemberMorn]

Serenity... repeat after me...

"I AM... gentle. I AM... sweet. I AM... important."

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Serenity}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still inside you.</font color=blue>