This is all I want... I want to get out of my house and take a stroll without being afraid of getting robbed and killed for a phone. I want to walk without stepping on dog's ***** and human spit every 5 meters. I'm tired that my eyes are getting offended by the ugliness of the town, that my nose is assaulted by various disgusting smells, and that my ears are gangr*ped by the sound of cars and people screaming over nothing. I want to meet people. Normal people, not the boasting bastard that represent 99% of my ecosystem. I want to meet women, and why not fall in love with one of them. We could go places where we don't risk to be killed or arrested. We could enjoy our life, even if wouldn't last. But the only thing I can do is stay in front of my computer all day watching people doing what I can't do.

[kaliope]

gosh, i wouldnt want to live there either. sounds horrible. i havent even had to think about any of those things thank goodness. have you thought about moving? my city was voted one of the top 10 capitals in the us or top 20 cities. i dont know, i dont pay attention. it made a top list at the end of last year. but the schools suck and the mental health system sucks, etc, etc. but i dont enjoy any of it either because i sit here in front of my computer too. agoraphobia doesnt let me go outside. i hope things get better for you. i know it may not help, but there is light at the end of that tunnel. i found it after 30 years.

[Olanza-what?]

Sounds like my hood. Not all the folks in it are up to no good. I live like that, no wonder I am depressed, but don't let the internet fool you, they rob here to. I had to learn that the hard way. I trust to easily and get hurt every time. Sad world. I don't know where you live. I hope something can be done, not just for you and I, but all the other hell holes like the one I live in, who know maybe one day they will find a cure. Until, I pray. That's all I have. So if you don't mind, I would like to pray also for you and all of the others that are prisoners in our homes sweet homes. My therapist says I'm the one with the problems, that I am the reason for my depression....what a kick in the head.

Originally Posted by kaliope

gosh, i wouldnt want to live there either. sounds horrible. i havent even had to think about any of those things thank goodness. have you thought about moving? my city was voted one of the top 10 capitals in the us or top 20 cities. i dont know, i dont pay attention. it made a top list at the end of last year. but the schools suck and the mental health system sucks, etc, etc. but i dont enjoy any of it either because i sit here in front of my computer too. agoraphobia doesnt let me go outside. i hope things get better for you. i know it may not help, but there is light at the end of that tunnel. i found it after 30 years.

I have nowhere else to move to. Seriously, the other alternatives are even worse.

Originally Posted by Olanza-what?

Sounds like my hood. Not all the folks in it are up to no good. I live like that, no wonder I am depressed, but don't let the internet fool you, they rob here to. I had to learn that the hard way. I trust to easily and get hurt every time. Sad world. I don't know where you live. I hope something can be done, not just for you and I, but all the other hell holes like the one I live in, who know maybe one day they will find a cure. Until, I pray. That's all I have. So if you don't mind, I would like to pray also for you and all of the others that are prisoners in our homes sweet homes. My therapist says I'm the one with the problems, that I am the reason for my depression....what a kick in the head.

I prayed all my childhood, and never received any answer. Seems like god doesn't exist for people like us.

[Olanza-what?]

Kamiomi,
I think He does hear us, I don't know why he isn't answering, I do know our time is not his. He will, He has to, He promised. Let's both hold on as tight as we can. I'll keep watch first, then you keep watch, soon He will come, He has to, He promised!

You have quite a neat way to say things, but me and god, it's over. The only one I can count on is me, me, and only me, and unfortunately, I'm very unreliable.

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Kamiomi

You have quite a neat way to say things, but me and god, it's over. The only one I can count on is me, me, and only me, and unfortunately, I'm very unreliable.

I have felt that way, and do still from time to time. I have been thru some things you wouldn't believe, not that you haven't, my point is, we have survived. We are now wiser and stronger, whether we believe we did it ourselves or received help from a higher power. It is hard, so hard, everyday death skips thru my mind, sometimes it pitches a tent and stays for a few days. Those days,when the world is beating the crap out of me, when I am fearful of driving and leaving my home, or concerned about others that are helpless and tossed away like trash, I wonder why? I hope someday you find the one thing that I know gives me peace, inspite of my situation, circumstances and un-found happiness. I find peace knowing someday, someday I will have peace from it all. I will walk in the never dying garden, streets of gold, happyness will be in abundance. This is the ONLY reason I have not taken my own life. There is a peace that will surpass all understanding and this rotten world can't give that to me, no matter where I live, go, do, see, become or gain and this rotten old world can't take that peace waiting for me away from me. SO, I'll take the first watch and you take the second, then we both can rest our minds for at least a little while.
In other words, I'm here for you, if you just wanna talk, scream, cuss, fuss, or whatever helps you get a little PEACE of mind. I go off all the time, when I get mad, discouraged, deeply, deeply depressed I write. I talk about all the pain, I point a finger at it. I'm not doing so hot myself, but encouraging others helps me tremendously. SO, I'm just trying to help you get to a better place (not religion wise, but in general) where you can have a little peace.

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Kamiomi

You have quite a neat way to say things, but me and god, it's over. The only one I can count on is me, me, and only me, and unfortunately, I'm very unreliable.

You are right, I depend on me and only me also, but in the back of my mind, I still ask Him for the strength to depend on me and only me. I don't know why I am still here, should have been dead 4 years ago. Believe me the folks that I needed were there til I got on my feet, they had no choice, but and soon as I could speak and hold a spoon, they were gone!

From your post, I assume you had a serious accident. Sorry for you, pal...

[Olanza-what?]

Originally Posted by Kamiomi

From your post, I assume you had a serious accident. Sorry for you, pal...

not bad enough because I am still here, but yes, I had a ruptured brain aneurysm, I had to have clip put in brain to stop the bleed, believe me, I didn't make that choice, if they had ask me if I wanted to have surgery to stop it, I would have said "hell no, let me go". Can I share this with you. When my braid exploded I saw a beautiful light, and I saw tree's that weren't there. It was cold outside that day, in the dead of winter, but I felt warm, I felt so good that the pain was secondary, oh it hurt, believe me. My sister and I work together, I was at work when it happened, I told her I could feel God and she told me that I should ask him if I can stay a little longer, for the grandchildren, my daughter, my family, but not for me. I did as she said and I asked. I don't remember anything else, when I came to a week later, that was the only thing I could remember. My family said that I talked to them hours before surgery, that I was joking and laughing and kept telling them I was fine other than a headache. I'm not going to lie, I am in the worst place I could ever imagine, not just my environment, but my state of mind as well. I now ask, why not, why did I have to stay so I have to encourage, because if I don't, I have no hope. I have to have some hope, it's hard, so hard, but I'm trying you know. I hope for all.

I read your bio etc... I don't know all that you are suffering thru right now, or what you have gone thru. I hope to encourage you, to give my tired little life some purpose and meaning. When I can't feel, when I am numb, when I feel like saying enough! I hope.

I hope that I could help you, or that you could help me, but alas, we have to bear our existences for a little longer.
By the way, I really appreciated reading what you said. You have a neat way of saying things, like I said before. When I read your post, I subconsciously use the voice of Morgan Freeman (I don't know what I'm saying this, it sounds dumb).

[Olanza-what?]

You have already helped me, see, when I encourage you, I encourage myself, whether I want to or not. I get to hear what I long to hear..."Hope". That troubles don't last always, that soon and very soon, I will be going to see the King. I to also need some encouraging and I will take all I can get. THANK YOU!
Someone's voice, hmmm, no, it doesn't sound dumb, when I read what others have written I hear music, a rhythm, like poetry and I don't know why. Sometimes I talk like I am rhyming, gets on people's nerve. But for what is worth, I am a black female and have a female tenor voice (deep but not as deep as Mr. Freeman's) I get sir a lot on the phone, sometimes I correct them and say, no it's miss, laugh it off.
I sang in the tenor section when I use to sing in the choir, I could out sing any male tenor, I was good (bragging rights) and still am, I just don't sing anymore. A female tenor is almost un heard of. So, you were close, instead of Morgan Freeman, more like Mable King if you know who she is or better yet Mahalia Jackson. : ) I would like to send a friend request to you ok. You don't have to except, that is up to you, and I wont be offended if you don't, I won't stop encouraging you.