[emptystars801]

I have never posted to a site like this before and I am sorta nervous but here I go fully open and honest..

I find myself not able to be strong anymore.. to hold my head high. Fearless of life but now I feel like a small child up against the wall, sucking my thumb.

Being raped when I was 13 years old.. my first time "having sex".. by two 19 year old men at a party that drugged me was the first issue.. but I thought I was strong enough to move past the emotional damage that I was robbed of innocence because its been 10 years.

The second issue is that I have had 21 friends pass away from either suicide, car or moto accident, cancer, or drug overdose in the last 9 years of my life.. I often wonder when my time is up? Will it be painful? Would anyone care? Will I potentially be the one that ends my own life so I have some type of control? Or will I go out only to never come back to my safe apartment?

The fear overwhelms me all day long.. I have no friends because I fully have lost interest with people or I feel like to new people, they see this weird person that they should shun leave me out of the group no matter how hard I try to be friends.

I used to have tons of friends, active and always out and about.. I don't know what happened...

I contemplate suicide all the time but then i think of all the funerals I go to..
all the sad people and the hurt that comes for years.. the minister saying "if only they really knew how many people cared for them" and I think of my friends that ended their life...

Were they feeling like I do? Lost and screaming on the inside? What were they thinking right before they did it? What issue brought them to the point that they couldn't tell themselves anymore "just one more day"?

Will I one day forget that and make a bad decision to end my life?

I don't know what to do to feel truly happy anymore..

PLEASE HELP ME AND THANK YOU FOR READING AND HEARING ME OUT!

[afeelingd]

I feel like I know that feeling, only I was luckily only molested. Still the innocence was stolen all the same. PC can help you reach out to people again.

Everyone can support you. Please just know that you aren't entirely alone. No one will truely understand you but we can all empathize and help you understand that you have a purpose.

Have you tried trauma counseling?

[emptystars801]

i actually haven't tried trauma counseling before. I should def look into it; How does it differ from regular counseling? Thank you also friend.

its just crazy because the thoughts just pop in my head random. even if its a great and fun day and you cant get away from yourself.

*hugs*

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Emptystars801.

Why cant I be strong anymore?

This is a question I ask myself, or at least used to ask myself. At this point in my attempts to understand I believe it's part of the nature of depression.

A structure has a certain amount of inherent resistance to shocks. Some structures have more resistance than others. No matter the structure, though, a combination of shocks over time or severe shocks will push that resistance to it limits and sometimes beyond. Eventually the structure collapses.

The analogy is for human emotional-psychological resilience. It's not unbreakable. When it breaks it's time to rebuild, but rebuilding almost always requires rest and help.

Please make yourself at home.

Post-traumatic Stress Forum
Survivors of Abuse Forum
Grief and Loss Forum

[vital]

- vital

[passher3y]

Originally Posted by emptystars801

I have never posted to a site like this before and I am sorta nervous but here I go fully open and honest..

I find myself not able to be strong anymore.. to hold my head high. Fearless of life but now I feel like a small child up against the wall, sucking my thumb.

Being raped when I was 13 years old.. my first time "having sex".. by two 19 year old men at a party that drugged me was the first issue.. but I thought I was strong enough to move past the emotional damage that I was robbed of innocence because its been 10 years.

The second issue is that I have had 21 friends pass away from either suicide, car or moto accident, cancer, or drug overdose in the last 9 years of my life.. I often wonder when my time is up? Will it be painful? Would anyone care? Will I potentially be the one that ends my own life so I have some type of control? Or will I go out only to never come back to my safe apartment?

The fear overwhelms me all day long.. I have no friends because I fully have lost interest with people or I feel like to new people, they see this weird person that they should shun leave me out of the group no matter how hard I try to be friends.

I used to have tons of friends, active and always out and about.. I don't know what happened...

I contemplate suicide all the time but then i think of all the funerals I go to..
all the sad people and the hurt that comes for years.. the minister saying "if only they really knew how many people cared for them" and I think of my friends that ended their life...

Were they feeling like I do? Lost and screaming on the inside? What were they thinking right before they did it? What issue brought them to the point that they couldn't tell themselves anymore "just one more day"?

Will I one day forget that and make a bad decision to end my life?

I don't know what to do to feel truly happy anymore..

PLEASE HELP ME AND THANK YOU FOR READING AND HEARING ME OUT!

Sorry your going through this and wish I had adequate words to end your suffering. I can relate if u dont mind me saying . Your story is your own tho. You need to be heard. Listen to and comforted with understanding . Embrace freedom and rise above all the tragedy affecting you.
Nothing will be the same , its true. But you can be a new you.stronger and soon youll see you were made for more than all these ashes. Be strong please.

[passher3y]

Originally Posted by passher3y

Sorry your going through this and wish I had adequate words to end your suffering. I can relate if u dont mind me saying . Your story is your own tho. You need to be heard. Listen to and comforted with understanding . Embrace freedom and rise above all the tragedy affecting you.
Nothing will be the same , its true. But you can be a new you.stronger and soon youll see you were made for more than all these ashes. Be strong please.

Ps. Innocence is in your heart <3