[alligatorsky]

Honestly, I just give up, I don't care anymore.

I'm 20, almost 21, currently failing my 4th college course, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I've been job hunting for 4 years and I've had 3 interviews, all of which I've been rejected from. My family keep reminding me that my older cousins had moved out, were going to uni and had jobs at my age. My mum and stepdad say I'm a waste of space and that I'm useless and pathetic. My dad and his girlfriend won't listen to me. I've lost all motivation in life, I don't care about anything anymore.

I'm so tired all the time and I just want to sleep. I spend most of my free time in my bed, away from reality. I've never had a relationship, I'm not pretty or cute and guys have never been drawn to me. My family keep asking why I don't have a boyfriend, and are now convinced I'm a late bloomer or gay. To be honest though, I think I'm asexual as I'm not interested in relationships.

I don't have a social life, as I don't have many friends, and I never get invited out anywhere. On the rare occasion that I do get invited out, I feel panicky knowing I have to socialise with other people and I start to dread going out. It builds to the point where it'll be the day I'm supposed to go out, and I'll feel so nervous and anxious about it that I'll either cancel and stay home, hating myself for being so alone, or I'll force myself to go and feel really nervous and look forward to going home.

Being around people makes me nervous and I prefer being by myself, although I do feel lonely and desolate on the weekends when I see everyone on Facebook out having a great time with their friends.

Like I said above, I have friends, but I'm always the one forgotten about. I can talk to them and stuff but there will always be someone they prefer to me. spend my weekends on the internet or sleeping. I go to college 3 days a week, and honestly, I don't want to get out of bed in the morning.

I'm constantly tired and from the moment I wake up, I'm unhappy, right until I fall asleep again. I've hated myself for as long as I can remember, even as a child I just hated life. I started really hating myself when I was 16 and thought about suicide constantly. I went to the doctor when I was 17 but my mum found out and refused to let me take the medication he'd given me.
She says I'm not depressed and that I'm being an attention seeker. There's days on end where I just think about how better life for everyone would be if I wasn't here, and how I'm so thankful that every day is one less day for me to live. There's other days where I just feel completely empty and numb.

Everyone keeps telling me 'it'll be okay', 'you'll get through it', 'things will get better', but I know things won't, I've been waiting for years for things to improve, and if anything, they're just getting worse.

Every day I want to cry waking up and if it wasn't for me getting funds from my college, and my mum's insistence that I continue with the course, I would drop out. I feel like I'm wasting my time, no matter how hard I study, I'm failing all my classes. I've only passed one course and that was Media, when I was 17. Every time I see other family members, I can see the disappointment when they find out I still don't have a job and that I'm doing another course.

I just want to die, I don't want to exist anymore. My life is just a big black hole and I can't see it getting any better. I'm a coward though, and I'm scared of death. I'm scared to take my own life because I'm a wimp and can't handle pain and the thought of death, even though I long for it, honestly terrifies me.

I can't imagine life without my dog, who's my best friend, and the thought of never seeing him again breaks my heart. At the same time, my grandparents would be heartbroken if I took my own life and they still haven't recovered from my uncle's suicide in 1999. I know that they would be devastated to lose another family member to it. I don't know if I can do such a cruel thing to them.

I'm just so lost and confused. I hate myself and everything in life, and I just want to die, but at the same time, death scares me. I don't know what to do.

I joined this site as I needed somewhere to vent my feelings without being judged and I just wanted to say thank you so much if you've read all of this. Sorry if it's very confusing, but I just needed to let my feelings out, as I honestly feel like I'm about to snap inside.

[kaliope]

hi alligatorsky
it doesnt sound like you are lost and confused, it sounds like you are depressed and hopeless and you know it. it sounds like nobody is listening to you and you lack support. do you have counseling available at uni? i know they have it free here in the states for students. since you are an adult now you do not need your parents permission for treatment. i think, if necessary, maybe showing your mother this post, so she understands the serious nature of your feelings may be helpful. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I've been depressed and know how hard it can be.

Now that you are an adult, I would try to see a doctor again and see if they can give you something that will help the depression lift. Medications can be very helpful.

[sideblinded]

(((alligatorsky)))

I hear you pain and I am with you here. Please know that you are not alone and you have something I long for again. I lost my dog over a year ago and I miss him so dearly. I know that it may be heard to believe but if you were not in this living world there would be so many heartbroken 2 legged beings and at least one 4 legged being. I hear your desperation and I hear your anguish. When I hear that you just want to isolate and sleep all the time and that you don't have any motivation. I am wondering if you may be depressed. I feel that so many issues stem from depression. Have you ever been evaluated for depression? Also you say that you don't have a social life and you are uneasy around people. You may also be suffering from a form of anxiety. I feel that you have enough symptoms to be checked out by a therapist or psychiatrist. Could you check into getting help for your issues? It almost sounds like you are trying to go uphill without any steam. It is kind of self defeating. I would definitely seek professional help. You matter and your feelings matter. I don't really think anyone understands just how much you are struggling. I hear you and others will want to help you get on the right course as well. Welcome to PC where you will get good feedback and an array of supportive comments. I hope that you keep reaching out here but also please ask for help at home. I wish you the very best and please keep us posted.

[avlady]

yes, you definately sound depressed and maybe have an anxiety disorder. you should see a doc and t. you definately need someone who understands such disorders to talk to. i hope you can feel better soon, it will take a while to feel better if the doc could put you on some meds. it sounds like you could use some. i am on meds for over 30 years now, and they saved my life. i had tried to commit suicide when i was 17, i'm 54 now, and i am so happy it didn't work. you can get better, just be patient with the process of getting where you want and need to be with the help of the right people.good luck and welcome!!!

[alligatorsky]

Originally Posted by kaliope

hi alligatorsky
it doesnt sound like you are lost and confused, it sounds like you are depressed and hopeless and you know it. it sounds like nobody is listening to you and you lack support. do you have counseling available at uni? i know they have it free here in the states for students. since you are an adult now you do not need your parents permission for treatment. i think, if necessary, maybe showing your mother this post, so she understands the serious nature of your feelings may be helpful. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Yeah, my college has a counselling place, I've been to them 3 times but they keep saying they're full and I'm still on the waiting list. I've been on it for almost 3 years now. I really want to go to the doctors, but because of where I live, my mum needs to drive me to the doctors. She always gets suspicious when I need to see a doctor and I would need to come up with a reasonable 'excuse' to go, since she'll refuse if I tell her the real reason. She'll still insistent that I don't have depression and that I'm just faking it for attention.

[alligatorsky]

Originally Posted by sideblinded

(((alligatorsky)))

I hear you pain and I am with you here. Please know that you are not alone and you have something I long for again. I lost my dog over a year ago and I miss him so dearly. I know that it may be heard to believe but if you were not in this living world there would be so many heartbroken 2 legged beings and at least one 4 legged being. I hear your desperation and I hear your anguish. When I hear that you just want to isolate and sleep all the time and that you don't have any motivation. I am wondering if you may be depressed. I feel that so many issues stem from depression. Have you ever been evaluated for depression? Also you say that you don't have a social life and you are uneasy around people. You may also be suffering from a form of anxiety. I feel that you have enough symptoms to be checked out by a therapist or psychiatrist. Could you check into getting help for your issues? It almost sounds like you are trying to go uphill without any steam. It is kind of self defeating. I would definitely seek professional help. You matter and your feelings matter. I don't really think anyone understands just how much you are struggling. I hear you and others will want to help you get on the right course as well. Welcome to PC where you will get good feedback and an array of supportive comments. I hope that you keep reaching out here but also please ask for help at home. I wish you the very best and please keep us posted.

I've never been evaluated for depression, I did go to my college's counselling centre and they ran a couple of tests on me, but I never received treatment as I was placed on the waiting list and I never heard back from them. People definitely make me nervous, whenever I know I have to go somewhere (except college) and be around people, I get so nervous and feel sick and shake. I'm desperate to go to the doctor but my mum insists I don't have depression and that I'm pretending to be sad for attention. She won't let me go to the doctor because I would be wasting the doctors time and medication, apparently. I can't get there myself, since my mum has to drive me, I can't go without her permission. My dog is honestly the best friend I've ever had and if I didn't have him, I definitely wouldn't be here typing this right now. I just love him so much, he means the world to me.

[anisepower]

It sounds like your family (although more to the point, your mother) doesn't understand depression and the importance of mental health. You may have to look into alternatives of transportation because it sounds like you really need some support from a therapist or a doctor. Just out of curiosity, is the doctor too far ride a bike or walk to get there?

[alligatorsky]

Originally Posted by anisepower

It sounds like your family (although more to the point, your mother) doesn't understand depression and the importance of mental health. You may have to look into alternatives of transportation because it sounds like you really need some support from a therapist or a doctor. Just out of curiosity, is the doctor too far ride a bike or walk to get there?

I could get a train to the doctors. I'd have to switch, but I could get there.
On the plus side, I'm finally going to see a doctor. It took a lot of courage, but I finally made an appointment. I'm going next Monday, and I also have a side health issue, so my mum isn't suspicious. She thinks I'm going for said health issue. I'm planning on writing everything down on a piece of paper, so I don't forget anything or feel so nervous that I back out, and once I finish talking to the doctor about the health issue mentioned above, I'm gonna hand him or her the note and tell them how I feel. Hopefully I can finally get help for my depression and anxiety issues.

[artichack]

Best choice you could make...see a specialist...anxiety and depression are real diseases....keep up the fight...family and friends just don't understand....it's the phantom conditions that most cannot fathom....so we get pushed out...ostrasized....best of luck...your not alone.........