[aheta]

Hi. This might be a bit long, so it's understandable if you don't want to read it. Sorry for wasting your time if you do.

I'm in high school. My problems and attitude might seem angsty and juvenile. They probably are. I'll list them out so I can organize my thoughts.

1. I can't talk to anyone.
I'm not new to depression. I've confided in people in the past, and they freaked out and a bunch of inconvenient things happened. Now, people are under the impression that I've "recovered." And I let them think that, mostly because I don't want to deal with those inconvenient things again. So the main problem is that my parents can't know about this. This means that I can't talk to anyone in the "business," so to speak, because they'd have to inform them. That's why I'm here.

2. Self-loathing.
I hate myself. I've been criticized before, by peers, parents, whatever. It's nothing new. I've probably said it to myself hundreds of times before. Your problems are trivial compared to others' struggles. Get over it. You're lazy and irresponsible. You're a disappointment. This is a major barrier to actually talking about my problems. They seem so stupid. Even know as I type this I'm afraid that the reaction will be no different than in real life.

3. School and motivation.
School is hard. It used to be not so bad, but when I get home, I sleep or stare at the computer. I certainly don't put in any effort. It's like an endless spiral of not doing my work leading to consequences leading to bad emotions leading to lack of motivation to do my work.

4. Suicide.
Yeah, I've tried it. And honestly? The only thing that stops me from trying again are my friends and family. They'd be pretty sad if I died (probably). They're the reason I live and God, do I hate them for it.

I sound so melodramatic, and I hate it so much.

Why am I posting this?
Maybe it's more for me to organize my thoughts. Maybe it's because I crave some emotional support that I can't ask for from others. Maybe it's because I want some advice on how to get my life back together. I'm not entirely sure myself.

[jelly-bean]

Sweetie all of your problems are very real and deserve to be validated. There are many others here with the same problems. I have severe depression among other things and I know how that feels. I also have very low self esteem again among other things. Just keep posting and you will receivelots of feedback and support from others here.

[aheta]

Thanks. I have another one that I forgot.
Lying. Can't stop. Don't know why.

[CANDC]

Aheta, you have some valid concerns . You may find answers on the forums that are most closely related to the topics with which you voiced concern. http://forums.psychcentral.com

Your area of concern
1. I can't talk to anyone.
Here is an article about seeing what your mental health care provider will keep confidential for teenage clients
A Teenager?s Confidentiality | World of Psychology

2. Self-loathing.
Self esteem issues are a problem with most everyone here at Psych Central (PC) Being told not to talk about it is a barrier. That is why PC is here to provide an open and frank discussion of issues that are on our minds. Here are some articles on the topic.
Psych Central - Search results for Self-loathing

3. School and motivation.
School is hard. It is really difficult when you see the problems piling up and people won't let you ask the questions and offer to help with solutions. But the problem in ignoring school may be hurting the future. And cutting down the available options. Plus it could make things harder down the road when you want a career that is meaningful and will fulfill your innermost needs plus support a life style where you can get the help you need.

4. I am sorry you have strong feelings about self harm. [self harm or self injury are abbreviated SI or SH] I am glad you have respect for the pain it would cause family and friends. It also would be very disheartening to us at PC also. I consider people here as family and I don't want to let them down either.
Here is a forum that may lend more light to the subject
Self Injury - Forums at Psych Central

Just consider us to be here for you. We are volunteers and we may not be online when you are, but if you post someone will respond. Or private message us and you will here as soon as we get back.

Here is info on having a safety plan. I hope you would never have to use it, but it is best to have one if you have strong feelings about self harming
Self Harm Safety Plans | Channel N

Please let us know your concerns - you do matter here at PC.

[kim_johnson]

I hated school. My teenage years were the worst years of my life, to be sure. I remember thinking it was 'teenage angst' stuff.. Knowing it doesn't help heaps, though.

I think the hardest thing is not feeling like you have anyone to talk to. It can help a lot to feel like... You can say whatever is on your mind... And the other person will listen to it and... Not hate you for it. Not judge you. Not think any less of you. Maybe... Help you recast it in a way that helps you feel better and brighter.

Unfortunately... These gems of people are so very rare... In most people's lives... Most people are struggling with their own crap and most people aren't so great in helping you reframe things in helpful more positive ways.

One of the things I like about boards like this is that lots of different people can try... And you can take what works and leave the rest. And different people can be more or less helpful as they resonate in slightly different ways.

Anyway... I wish I had a place like this when I was in High School. I think it would have made a world of difference to me. I had a therapist... But I couldn't talk to them because they had to write hospital file notes and nurses werent' appropriately respectful of confidentiality when it came to those with respect to issues I was having with people who would visit me in hospital... And they made things worse...

Anyway... Life will get better. For reals.

[vital]

Originally Posted by aheta

Maybe it's because I want some advice on how to get my life back together. I'm not entirely sure myself.

Hi aheta,

Read this and see if you recognize yourself

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

I think you might.

- vital

[Curry]

Hi Aheta
I was where you are a long time ago. I guess the lesson I finally learned is to be ready to tell all my secrets. I am special, interesting, strong because of the good things and hard things in my life. I wrote a book about my life, tried to make it interesting and funny and then read it to fellow writers. I also learned that there is a whole world of people who are offering affection and hugs - you just have to ask. I send you a hug for as long as you want one.

[MotherMarcus]

Aheta : Is there another adult that you trust enough to talk to ? If not, have you considered looking into some kind of support group? I wish you well. You are always welcome here.

[einsam]

Not a waste of time at all. High school is hard for a high school student. They're some of the earliest years where you're making your own decisions and tackling your own problems, but while it's more complicated than childhood there's always support and advice if you know where to turn.

I think some people can psyche themselves out with homework. Looking at a list of assignments and chapters to read makes it look like an enormous task, but a rough draft can be lazily written while eating a snack and isn't something you need to show to anyone. It's just something to put your ideas down on so that you can do something with them the next day.

[aheta]

Thanks, everyone. I don't really have an adult I can talk to, because when things get serious, they'll just notify my parents, because that's the right thing to do from their perspective.

It's possible that I could tell someone not to tell anyone else, but the last time I tried that, the adult I talked to assured me that she wouldn't tell anyone else, and then she went and told my parents.

That's the worst thing about talking to most people. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I get the impression that they find me subhuman, they think me crazy or like a ticking time bomb that must be handled delicately. Somehow that makes it okay to lie to me.

[Curry]

Hi Aheta

I finally stopped seriously messing around with my life when I realized that if I continued I would end up under someone's care. I wanted to at least be independent even if I was miserable. I had to save myself. I told my Mom what I had been up to. I booked an appointment with my GP. I told him to book me in to the Psch ward for a week. I said I needed to see a psychiatrist. It was surprising how everyone kept on trying to sweep my troubles under the carpet given half a chance. All this helped me learn to put one foot in front of the other. I didn't become happy but it is nice to put one foot in front of the other and some wonderful things did come in to my life. I still did some stupid things but not ones that I could not still walk away from when I smartened up.

[vital]

Originally Posted by aheta

Thanks, everyone. I don't really have an adult I can talk to, because when things get serious, they'll just notify my parents, because that's the right thing to do from their perspective.

It's possible that I could tell someone not to tell anyone else, but the last time I tried that, the adult I talked to assured me that she wouldn't tell anyone else, and then she went and told my parents.

That's the worst thing about talking to most people. Maybe I'm exaggerating, but I get the impression that they find me subhuman, they think me crazy or like a ticking time bomb that must be handled delicately. Somehow that makes it okay to lie to me.

Hi aheta,

I think it would be a good idea to ask you school or parents to find a therapist to talk to. You need the wisdom of someone who has seen this before and who you can trust. Regular adults may be scared of what you say since you've attempted suicide already.

- vital

[einsam]

Originally Posted by vital

Hi aheta,

I think it would be a good idea to ask you school or parents to find a therapist to talk to. You need the wisdom of someone who has seen this before and who you can trust. Regular adults may be scared of what you say since you've attempted suicide already.

- vital

Yeah, I think that's all it is. I remember being terrified to talk to anyone, too, but a dedicated therapist could have done wonders.

I think it's a difficult thing for someone who doesn't necessarily feel they're qualified, both legally and emotionally. They could be reprimanded if they're not qualified and they say or do certain things. Not only that, but suicide isn't a well-understood topic and they may fear that they'll try to help and do the opposite out of their own lack of understanding.

[Curry]

If I am not getting your point, or not speaking about what you are interested in please let me know. If I have overstepped with my advice say so too. We are all equal when we are speaking our hearts. I invite you Aheta to practice standing up for yourself on me. You sound like a wonderful girl, clever, articulate, and interesting. I will try and be more gentle and respectful in asking what you are interested in if you have more to say.