Hello, this is my first post in psychcentral. I have been in a deeper depression for the past three years now. I've battled depression and anxiety for ten years. At first, I remember going home from school and always having the painful need to cry. I would even want to cry after all of the perceived/real negative attention other people gave me. Even though I was depressed and battling so many feelings of unworthiness, low energy, I went to college and did my DAMN hardest to succeed in math. Proudly, I was offered a research position and advising from the best mathematician/head of the department at a four-year university. But of course, my depression ruined me. I have always been a sad person but I had to drop out right when my depression got worse. I am tearing up as I write this. Long story short, many men have treated me horribly. I remember accidentally overdosing on ecstasy and the boyfriend I was with at the time, left me on the bed to suffer while he left to see his mother.

I had to leave college after five years due to two reasons - 1) depression and 2) my professor humiliated me in a class setting. After that, my depression got WORSE. I locked myself up in my room without going out for two years and started feeling numb, I used to cry almost everyday but up until that point, I could not feel anymore. My mother and I have never had a good relationship but this is when we started getting physical with each other. I was then admitted to a mental health hospital and diagnosed with bipolar and severe depression.

Since then, I have moved with my mom to my uncles place. We used to live with my rich stepfather dentist for more than ten years. After the divorce, I have not heard for him or gotten any support besides a Christmas present. Much more than my biological father, though whom I have not spoken to all my life.

Right now, I am mourning the loss of my dreams. I put all my heart into college. I dreamed everyday for psychological freedom. I studied my hardest. Put on a brave face. Took so many risks - romantically, socially, and academically. All because I wanted to be the hero in ending my suffering. Right when I so close to succeeding, I just could not take it anymore. My depression ruined me.

I have 37,000 worth of student loans to start paying back this month and have to wait for my community college loan to come in just so I can pay it off. But I have 6 months of retail work experience. Its hard for me to just look for a job. I was so busy focusing on school.

Please, someone help me. Someone, anyone help. I cannot even cry anymore but feel a lingering sense of failure. I feel disappointment, I am heartbroken.

[vital]

Originally Posted by lovefortheunloved

Please, someone help me. Someone, anyone help. I cannot even cry anymore but feel a lingering sense of failure. I feel disappointment, I am heartbroken.

Hi love,

I'm going to be really happy if I can help you. I'm in physics myself, but I love math and the people who do it even more. One thing I know is how extremely hard it is to think clearly or even to function when you're depressed. The fact that you got so far that way is actually very impressive. Just think what you'll be able to do when you're not depressed anymore!

...and guess what? I think I have figured out depression and what to do about it. See if this makes sense:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

Here is what I think the best overall plan is:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[jaciRock]

Are you on any meds? They really help but they do take 6 weeks to work. And the first one, two, or three might not work.

[Gunboatdiplomat]

Your experiences mirror so many of my own. I'm a physics guy and I poured my heart into school as well. I'm in grad school now and I'm about to drop out because I can barely even convince myself to get out of bed in the morning. I'm in an extremely dark place too. I am basically just massively self destructing for no 'reason' at all. I wish I could tell you what to do but I don't know myself. It seems success has only made me lonelier and more self hating. I used to really really believe that I could have a meaningful life by helping others, in whatever way I could. I lost that somewhere and I think the thing I need to do is find a way to believe in that again. To make it meaningful. There's a Nietzsche quote that's always really stuck with me "With a why to live for man can endure any how" I think even at my worst in terms of depression I've had a why for most of my life, a reason to live, despite the hard things I've had to go through... Just don't frame your life as a failure because
by some metric you will always be one. For my whole life I've been a failure no matter what I've done, in my own mind. I would just say keep going on. None of this makes you any less valuable than any other person on the planet. I hope my rambling is of some help

I tried medication. It really feels like Ill struggle with this my entire life. Ive tried 6-7 different antidepressants and more.

It's really dark, this place.

Vital, thanks..... I have tried medication, about 5-7 different kinds. Most have just made me feel weird and numb not the stable feeling of being okay that Ive been looking for.

[Little Jay]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this - I was similar to you in some ways - I poured my heart and soul into school from a young age, and was on track to go to university when my depression hit me terribly and I dropped out of 6th form so didn't receive my A-levels. I had straight A's in my GCSE's but it didn't matter, my depression had taken away the one thing I had been ambitious about. I was then completely lost, thinking my life had been ruined. I got a basic office job where i've worked my way up a bit, but it was so hard to shake the feeling that my whole life had been ruined by my depression. That's when I started Open University and finally felt like I was given a chance to sort things out. Alas, my depression came back again and i've had to defer for a year - I haven't even been able to make it through my first year. I am still holding on to hope that things will work out, and I really hope that they do for you too. I agree with you about the meds - they didn't make me feel stable or okay at all, yet the doctors all try and push them. I'm starting a course of CBT therapy which I've found helpful so far so maybe that's something you could consider? You have done amazingly well to make it as far as you have - I genuinely admire you for everything you have achieved despite your depression, and I look up to you in that if you can be that strong, then I can too!

[artichack]

Little Jay is right on track....depression and anxiety can take away everything you have ever worked for.....Iv'e passed jobs that would have set me up for life...yet had to make that phone call..............in that deep and crappy place......to try to explain why they wouldn't be seeing me for quite some time.....you sound like a very intelligent person......meds do work.....but finding the right one on top of the right dosage......takes trial and error....cbt also works....best when you find someone you really like and trust.....this is a great place to ask questions........because we are all in the same boat......best of luck..................Artie