[John615]

Hi everyone. I'm new here, I never thought I would ever post something like this on a forum, but I think it finally caught up to me.

I'm a 24 years old male, and I often feel sad, to the edge that I think this is plain depression, not sadness.
I feel like I don't have anything to look up to. I have no purpose, and I'm bored like never before, I feel like I've done it all, and there just isn't too much to do on a daily basis.
Just go to work, come home, go to the gym sometimes, in the weekends go out have a few drinks with the same people, play pool, get out of the country once a year, in the vacation period, visit some people, go swimming ... I mean, all of those things and a maybe a few more, I do on a regular basis, but I feel like it's always the same thing over and over again, just repeating, I don't truly live. Even though I knew many people, I found out that only 2 or 3 people I can call friends, and only because I know them since childhood. So I cannot trust people, and I see no point in investing time to be friends with someone new, because I've been disappointed so many times.

So like the title says, I feel like I have no purpose, I can't find my place. I was grown in a adventhist family, but ended up being an atheist because I questioned everything all the time, and came to this conclusion by myself. When I was in college, I thought my purpose was to finish it, to get a degree and a good job. Well, I did that, I am now a software engineer, but being a second world country, the pay is not that much. I still live with my parents, and I don't feel like I'm as independent as I thought I would by this age.

The cause of all this is the lack of a relationship, in my opinion. I never had a girlfriend, just a few sexual encounters, but I always felt like those were mechanical, sex without emotions, without actually loving someone just didn't feel right.

I think I lack social skills with women if my plan is to get a relationship. Because I start to care, I screw things up. I become boring and predictable. Recently a girl walked in my life and triggered all those thoughts that I haven't been aware of until now. She didn't have such a great body like everyone my age is looking for, and even though I'm very picky, and look at what meets the eye first, I gave her my attention.

She surely caught my attention on our first dates. She just was everything I was looking for, the way she thought, about life, about moral stuff, the way she made me feel around her, her energy, her ... smiles, well yeah, it finally began to make sense, that I have a reason to focus on something, on someone real.
Because of this, I wanted to make everything memorable, and did things with her I never did before. Anyway, slowly but surely I felt very deep in love.

Of course, being my first encounter of such a story, because I lacked things like this in high-school and even during college, being a technical college, with few girls .. I screwed things up. Maybe I was too clingy, maybe other things, it doesn't matter, but this whole experience just opened my eyes, that I haven't truly lived yet. And going out with friends, basically just guys all the time, and trying to have "fun" all the time, doesn't make me happy. But she did, and other women could make me too, I guess.

Basically I just want to ... feel! Feel something new, feel like I would do anything for someone, feel alive. Not just a random human, doing what every one else does.

The thing is, I sometimes feel like leaving home, going to another country, and start everything all over from scratch, but I cannot live my family, I owe them everything, they raised me.
I don't even know what kind of reaction to look from you guys. Maybe I just needed to write this, as a reflection, to see what I have to do, but the point is I'm often just ... blank. I feel like something is missing, and is missing hard and feels like I would never get it.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, John615.

Originally Posted by John615

Basically I just want to ... feel!

We are not medical professionals here and cannot diagnose. Nevertheless, that statement and many others in your post tend to support your own suspicions:

Originally Posted by John615

I often feel sad, to the edge that I think this is plain depression, not sadness.

Does your situation permit you to speak with a doctor about how you have been feeling?

Please make yourself at home here.