Don't Know What To Do.

I just don't know anymore. I'm tired of the years of being single and lonely. I'm tired of not being able to help others with their problems. I'm tired of forcing myself to go on so others aren't emotionally hurt. I'm tired of being given false promises and false hope. I'm tired of going to therapy and taking medications without noticing a single positive change. I'm tired of getting letters in the mail about student loan payments. I'm tired of wasting time on dating sites that never lead to a relationship. I'm tired of people treating each other like objects rather than as fellow human beings. I'm tired of ignorance and arrogance in the world. I'm tired of being tired.

I am sorry. I totally hear you. Very similar feelings here. Hugs

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I'm feeling the same way...it's been building up this month.

It began with a neighbor literally dropping dead and me being the only one at the time to drive his gf to ER where we sat for 3 hours in a tiny, ice cold room. The memory of him hooked up to tubes on every inch of his body has stayed with me.

The next day I had a gallbladder attack (likely from the stress of the day before) that lasted 36 hours so I went back to the ER. Gallstones, no emergency, but I need gallbladder surgery. I have never had surgery nor general anesthesia, so that freaks me out.

While I was still healing from the gallbladder attack, I developed a viral upper respiratory infection that has lasted three weeks. I have just now regained my voice.

What is staring me in the face for this month is:

1. Medicaid cut my food stamps in half with no explanation. When I called, the explanation they gave is totally false so I am now preparing for a "hearing" (by a Medicaid employee) on March 19 and trying to find a legal aid attorney, etc. This is crazy...I have been on food stamps for 10 years with no issues.

2. I was told by my optometrist that my eyes are significantly weaker plus I have floaters and the beginnings of cataracts. I had been anxiously awaiting my new pair of glasses but they were no better than my old ones. After wearing them two weeks and experiencing horrible headaches, I took them back. Both the optometrist and the manager at VisionWorks were baffled, but the optometrist reworked my prescription and sent the glasses back. I went to pick them up last week, again anticipating being able to see clearly again and they are STILL no better, to the point of like I am seeing everything underwater. The VisionWorks manager was very patronizing and rude to the point of covering her mouth and whispering something to a co-worker while rolling her eyes and telling me it's because of plastic frames (that would have nothing to do with the lens), that I have cataracts (no, I have the "beginnings" of one and it would affect how I see out of BOTH my old and new glasses and the old ones are still sharper, then I got the "wear them for two weeks" line. Not one time when they had to be sent back did I get even an "I'm sorry for the inconvenience from the optometrist nor the manager." I just feel like sitting down and crying over this alone.

Due to being on complete disability, my student loans would be forgiven if my psychiatrist had completed the forms correctly a few years ago. He didn't; the forms got sent back, I'm now seeing one of his new P.A.s for only 15 minute appointments because she does not take insurance and I can't afford a half hour plus I am driving two hours round trip to see her. I have to find someone to correctly complete my forms so that is hanging over my head.

I am driving a 15 year old car which broke down on the road Friday, so it is now in the shop and no telling how much that repair will be.

I also have severe health anxiety and have lost a lot of weight this past year so my mind has me convinced I'm dying.

I literally feel like I can't take this anymore. The food stamp hearing is what has me most upset because, without them reversing their wrong decision, this will be in effect for years.

Feel like I'm headed for another breakdown. So sorry you both are feeling the same way.

Hugs. I sometimes wonder why crap happens to me

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So sorry to hear about all of this.

i'm sorry, you're having a really tough time. here if you want to talk. life can get so difficult i know.

bear, i know exactly how you are feeling and it can become extremely frustrating, but tomorrow is always a brighter day!!!!! you can find something that will make you smile. people will always fail you and never live up to your expectations. i love you man, you can't give up because giving up is way too easy. struggling sucks ***, but it's better than not living. things will work out in your favor soon enough. take care of yourself, because only you can.
personally, for me, when i quit the meds and the therapy (not suggesting this, just sharing) that is when life became more clear and seemed to be more positive for me. sure the world is effed up, but you will run into some pretty amazing people that make life worth living, even if they're just your friends.

Thank you bear and divine for your kind words and hugs back to you. I know I am blessed in so many ways; it's just that piling on of one thing after another that starts to get wearing. Just wanted to share my experience on this:

After having been on pysch meds for 20 years, the last few years I didn't feel like they were doing much good. I worked with my psychiatrist to gradually lower the dosage of my medications. It's a very long story but due to a number of circumstances, including my father almost dying last summer, extensive mold being found in my apartment necessitating I live elsewhere for a month, getting physically ill myself, etc. I had to cancel appointments to my psych. and, since he would not refill my meds without an appointment I ended up going off the three meds I was on.

Things seemed ok for awhile and then I crashed big time to the point that my anxiety was so bad that I was pacing the floors and terrified of....everything. I went back to my psych's P.A., went back on the meds and within a week I was a different person (positively speaking). I truly had reached a point that I wanted to be med-free but that experience showed me (and only speaking for myself) that my body definitely needs the medication.

I feel this way everyday as well (trigger) move to Colorado and smoke some sativa (/trigger) I'd suggest activism honestly it may help you feel like your at least part of the solution. Better a small fix to the world wide problem of objectification than none. right? Heck who knows activism might even get you hooked up with a like minded individual. Keep trying, otherwise the jerks that run on ignorance and arrogance just win.

Thanks for all the kind comments.