[connect.the.stars]

Inaction, stagnation, not changing, stubborn.

All really bad traits of mine.

I read and I learn new things and I comprehend how they can work, but I never change.

I guess I don't actually want to get better. I want to stay this way forever.

Stay depressed. Punish myself. Let myself stay unforgiven.

[Ruftin]

(((connect.the.stars))) That is beautiful. You are a very talented writer. You really captured the epitome of inaction. Thanks for sharing!!!

[Frankbtl]

Hi connect.the.stars, by the sounds of it you're talking about these being traits of yours........holding yourself responsible, right?? But you know I'd see them as more traits of depression
But that's not to say that things can't get better, that you can't still aim towards doing small things towards that, it can just be real tough right?? and at times impossible??
And especially when there's that apathy/lack of energy/lack of interests.......all those kinds of things.
But you said "I read and I learn new things and I comprehend how they can work" now that's a real good start........that you've had the motivation to do that, that you've allowed those things to "sink in" to make sense"!!
It maybe more about how you take those things forward do you think........and you might not be ready to commit to what you've read, but that's OK, maybe you can adapt some of that?? Maybe you can set smaller goals, and even the tiniest of steps are fine, they're all moving forward.
Just wondering as well, if your expectations on yourself of what you "should" be doing are a bit high, and holding you back even more??? What do you think???
Because you do deserve so much more..........just take it more at your own pace, hey??

Alison

[connect.the.stars]

Thanks Ruftin and Alison.

I'm not really sure if things are just impossible. I just don't do them. Like I know what I need to do. I should go out in the sun and exercise and hang out with friends or co-workers and act happier and smile and make plans for weekends and not lie around all day in bed.

But part of me feels like I purposely don't do those things because I don't want to get better. I'm prolonging it on purpose.

Sometimes I have enough gusto to buy books on Amazon about certain topics like "how to be more assertive". But then when they arrive, I never read them.

I don't really set goals for myself. In fact I don't really have any motivation. Everyone thinks my goal should be to "get better". Right now, I say I want to just to appease them, but I don't think I really do.

Part of it comes from believing I don't deserve anything more out of life. Which then makes me think - what kind of ungrateful person have I become? Why don't I want to be better? Why don't I want to live the normal life that has been outlined for me? I have it all so easy, but why do I want to throw that away?

Sorry I'm just rambling. I appreciate your guys' support.

[Fuzzybear]

[Frankbtl]

Hi connect.the.stars,
Hey, no apologies needed, you're not rambling as I see it, they're thoughts/feelings, your thoughts/feelings and they matter!!
From your posts I'd see it a lot less as you don't want to get better, but more as depression has taken away a lot of your motivation/interest in doing things that might help you start to feel a little better???? And naturally you are going to prolong things from there.
So no taking all the "blame" on that, as in "Why don't I want to be better?", hey??
And all that stuff you see as you "should" do.........well a lot easier said than done when your body/your mind is telling you something like "actually, why bother/don't want to/what's the point.......", right??
But exercise..........well that doesn't need to be "full scale", just something slightly more active/very slightly more active for now?? Although if you actually can't then something else maybe, doesn't have to be essential.
Going out in the sun.........well if you've made it out for an errand, maybe try to prolong that time out, even just by sitting somewhere, just a little???
And so on................
So forget about the "should"s for now maybe concentrate more on the fractions you can do.
And people thinking your goal should be to get better.........well that's so much easier said than done, right?? And not much of an actual goal to be having when you're consumed by inaction...........so maybe smaller/more tangible goals, hey???
Not saying that having goals are always the/any answer, sometimes it's going to be more support, more help, or more time you need.......but worth a go???
And the unread books from Amazon.........seriously do not "beat yourself up" about that!!! Sometimes, when you're in a certain "place"........well books can "just be words on paper", nothing to pull you in, nothing to make you want to read them, "no real purpose/meaning to them"..........so what I would suggest is either pick out paragraphs, set yourself a goal to read a chapter a week (??), review what you've bought e.g. you might have books on assertiveness when you really want books on confidence or go another route..........might be more meaningful to you getting personal accounts/input. Maybe try checking out people's blogs or youtube until you find someone you might be able to really relate to/identify with???
Anyway just some thoughts..............
And if we're talking depression............reality is you don't "have it all so easy" isn't it??
But don't forget, we're here for you, OK??!! If you want to talk.............

Alison

[gayleggg]

You sound a lot like me. I'm struggling with inaction in particular for the last few weeks. When I'm depressed I don't want to do anything and lately I've been fighting with depression and I think I'm losing.

[Bill3]

Self-blame, self-blame for not wanting to get better, is itself part of the depression.

Perhaps it is rather a lack of interest in getting better, rather than an actual desire not to get better. Lack of interest in things is also a sign of depression.

(((((connect.the.stars)))))

[color14u]

It's always easier to be stagnant. Change is always scary, especially when we truly feel all of our pain is our own fault. (Which it isn't). It is so easy to know and talk about the changes we need to make. We are similar in that respect. Start small with changes that you can do with little effort. Small victories can help with during up self esteem and may lead to bigger victories.

[eggplantlife]

Boy! Have i read a lot of books. I even put some in action then no action. Goal setting is the hardest.

I'm pretty much what you wrote. Taking small steps. Yes. I do feel a change from last year. I guess not small as i don't want to s... and i don't smoke anymore. I have made very little money which is better than none.

I had this book i was almost finished but couldnt read for some reason and then months later, i picked it up and finished reading it. Sometimes it is just not the right timing but it is still the right book for later.

Like someone said take 5htp. I didn't take it as i didn't have money snd other blockages then all of a sudden 2 weeks ago, i bought it. It didn't even occurred to me that was what i was going to do that day. Overall, i am glad i did. Sure, it was months later...maybe 9 months later.

I had a option to go out today but i decided to stay home. Why? I don't feel depressed. It could of bern fun. I just thought i wanted time to myself and heal and work on myself. But all i do is kind of feel lonely. I have been trying different things though but not actually doing what i wanted to do...which was work on the self help book....and ironically, it is a section on setting the goals.