[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Hey!

Ever felt that you really are the reason for this misery you're in? I'm going through this now, even though blaming myself has been a code under use my entire life, but this blaming is different than lashing.

I have to say this, I know that I mentioned a lot that my family contributed to my depression, which is true, but I think that I'm the one whose silly for taking something too seriously even though it's not true, i.e. accusations, including dumb, silly, useless, etc, that are part of my past which stuck with me until now. We never blame ourselves, ever, that's why when someones throws a mere implication of a wrong doing we committed, we jump and gasp, which is like cocking a gun, and then we attack, i.e. shooting, which to us we seems like an act of defense. Come to think of it, when do we really admit that we are wrong? Or that we are the missing equation? Not often. Yes, I have been called dumb, but, am I?! Why did I take it to the heart and believed it? The fact that I "took it to the heart", made me feel dumb, which also made me go "Oh, that means that they are absolutely right. I am really dumb!" but if I chose to ignore, I wouldn't be in this situation nowadays. It's not easy to choose between "take it or leave it", but to leave it, is a choice that can be made in a blink.

I'm announcing it right now: I am the reason behind my own pain, not proud of it though. It's time for a change, hopefully with no second thoughts and backing out this time, which is what would probably happen.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Renounced,
"The fact that I "took it to the heart", made me feel dumb, which also made me go "Oh, that means that they are absolutely right"
You're not the reason behind your pain, they are
Although you are right, there can be change.
We're not really talking "accusations" from what you've said, you know?? What we're really talking about is bullying or emotional abuse. And bullying/abuse can have a big impact on someone, however strong they may previously have been.
It's completely understandable how someone can take those comments "on board" and come to believe that at least some part of them must be true. And as confidence/self-esteem start to slip, you start to doubt yourself, you start to make mistakes/you start to be less good at things/you isolate yourself and people drift away........because of the bullying/abuse then those things are driven even further home.........and still the comments in your head.
So please don't "beat yourself up" over believing them at the time.
However, you know that those comments were coming as a result of their weaknesses, not yours, right??!!! Their ignorance, their need to feel powerful at a cost to someone else, their pain if they've faced abuse themselves............but whatever place those comments came from absolutely does not need to make them true!!!!
And yes, you can move past this, which it sounds like you're on the road to doing
Keep on giving yourself the validation you need, because you aren't those comments are you??!! You're way more than/above those comments!!!!
And less of the blaming yourself, OK??!!! You don't deserve it!!!

Alison

[waterknob1234]

I agree it sounds like you have had to deal with too much emotional bullying. Sometimes abusive people will make you doubt yourself, but don't doubt yourself. It's them not you.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Renounced,
"The fact that I "took it to the heart", made me feel dumb, which also made me go "Oh, that means that they are absolutely right"
You're not the reason behind your pain, they are
Although you are right, there can be change.
We're not really talking "accusations" from what you've said, you know?? What we're really talking about is bullying or emotional abuse. And bullying/abuse can have a big impact on someone, however strong they may previously have been.
It's completely understandable how someone can take those comments "on board" and come to believe that at least some part of them must be true. And as confidence/self-esteem start to slip, you start to doubt yourself, you start to make mistakes/you start to be less good at things/you isolate yourself and people drift away........because of the bullying/abuse then those things are driven even further home.........and still the comments in your head.
So please don't "beat yourself up" over believing them at the time.
However, you know that those comments were coming as a result of their weaknesses, not yours, right??!!! Their ignorance, their need to feel powerful at a cost to someone else, their pain if they've faced abuse themselves............but whatever place those comments came from absolutely does not need to make them true!!!!
And yes, you can move past this, which it sounds like you're on the road to doing
Keep on giving yourself the validation you need, because you aren't those comments are you??!! You're way more than/above those comments!!!!
And less of the blaming yourself, OK??!!! You don't deserve it!!!

Alison

Thanks, Alison! I believe that I'm the secondary reason, because the way I see the world and how I interact also contributes to what I'm going through, that, and the other the reason I already mentioned. I don't think blaming myself is a solution, not in a way of lashing myself out, at least it should be in a way that makes me go to the right direction, so to speak. Mind you, my brothers were also young when they named me those things, and I was the youngest one, so what they did was a children\teenage thing, but I "took it to the heart" while I actually shouldn't have. This blaming is a conformation that it's time to give myself validation and learn from my mistakes.

I don't believe it was your fault at all. mental illness is not something we choose unfortunately. I wish it was.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

I agree it sounds like you have had to deal with too much emotional bullying. Sometimes abusive people will make you doubt yourself, but don't doubt yourself. It's them not you.

I think that emotional bullying is indeed the right name, instead of calling them accusations. You are absolutely right, abusive people were primarily what made me nitpick every single thing or any action I make, by calling myself the very same things I was called by them, and even though they made me do this, I also have a hand in this, as I tend to believe.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

I don't believe it was your fault at all. mental illness is not something we choose unfortunately. I wish it was.

Well, we can definitely stop this mental illness. I for one never chose to stop mine, because I liked feeling pain, and because I want recognition, but if I simply ignore that fact, I don't believe my illness would be as sever as it is now.

yeah, we can choose recovery. but choosing recovery isn't just a one time thing; you have to choose it every single day, every minute. which is why it's so hard.

[Fuzzybear]

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

yeah, we can choose recovery. but choosing recovery isn't just a one time thing; you have to choose it every single day, every minute. which is why it's so hard.

It's hard, I agree, but it is definitely worth it. When is the right time to be happy? We are aging, and will come to a point when we are too old, and will regret the time we wasted being sad, and wish that we have dealt with it. I don't want that to happen to me, nor that I wish it for anyone else.