Is it odd that I want to be depressed again?

I've had depression since I can remember. The schedule was pretty regular - I would suffer bouts of depression lasting two years, then I'd get a break for a year, then two more years, etc. Eventually, since I was depressed more often than not, it started to feel 'wrong' when I wasn't depressed. Depression was like a comfortable buffer that shielded me from all of life's problems behind an impenetrable curtain of nihilism. Depression was deeply ingrained in my personality - my humor, my speech, my thoughts and even my vision were colored by it. I was depression, and depression was me.

So eventually, a time came when the depression didn't come back. At least, not nearly as fully as it had before. It was as if a crucial part of my existence had been stolen from me. I no longer had its comfortable shield to protect me from the responsibility of emotion. My reality would never be the way that it was when I was depressed, I no longer see the world in shades of blue and gray, and I miss that - and it - like I would miss a dear friend.

Is that odd?

i think it may be fear of the unknown. depression is comfortable. you know what to expect from it. you know what it is like, how you are going to act, respond, your outlook upon life. when you are not depressed, do you know what the world holds for you? it is often the unknown and the unknown is scary.

I 'understand' what you are saying. However, I have never felt that way. To wake up in the morning feeling like you just got a call saying everyone you care about has just been killed in a terrible accident...nope, wouldn't miss my depression if it just disappeared.
I am NOT my depression, it is a dark evil cloud that sneaks up on me and possesses me like a demon. I'd be quite content if I never had to deal with it again.

Although I do understand your feelings about it. I personally wouldn't want it back I have memories of times not being depressed for periods those seem like dream now. It's been so long but it keeps me going that I may live in that reality again.

I wouldn't say that it's odd. Maybe you had a sort of "medium-level" chronic type of depression? I have a friend who deals with this type of depression. He said he never realized until he was around 30 that he was depressed because he had always felt that way and considered it his normal personality.

So if that's the case for you, it makes total sense that it's going to feel odd when your "normal" mood changes. And you're going to be looking at learning new patterns of behavior and dealing with new emotions.

Depression does sometimes turn into a friend. I occasionally miss the dampness, the bleakness, the sense of security and melancholia. It drapes over you like a blanket.

What helps me is looking at how far i've come. Recovering from this illness is so hard and to not be depressed is a precious thing.

I also look back on the horrible parts of depression that no one talks about, like greasy hair and mess everywhere and not being able to sleep and never washing my face and horrible breath. It may sound funny but those things are actually the hallmarks of depression, and i really don't miss them.

I don't know how not being depressed feels, so I guess I'd be a little scared if I woke up tomorrow and found myself not depressed, if it makes any sense.

but I think that some of us hug our depression and never let go of it because, overtime depression develops into a sort of comfort zone, and not being depressed feels like unfamiliar territory. You have more enthusiasm for things, your mind is clearer, and it must feel weird at first.

Depression has made me into a cynical, numb individual, and I sometimes wonder if I can handle any emotions if I wasn't.

I really do believe that there are levels of depression that we suffer from......#1 being so severe that you cannot function.....period....committed to hospital....not remembering anything.....ECT treatments as last resort.....#10 being seasonal depression....winter blues.....I cannot comment on #s 2-9....but can say that I never..ever want to see #1 again.......Artie