[neverok89]

I'm never going to get better.

I know that is black and white thinking. But it still feels real.

I'm so worn down from 6 years of fighting this and struggling to continue on with my life in spite of what I am dealing with.

I'm exhausted.

I wish I could get to some breaking point. But I won't. Definitely persistent depressive disorder aka dysthymia. No high, no severe low. Just there. All the time. Can't shake it. Nothing has helped. Acupuncture, therapy, medication, life changes. Nothing.

Told my boss I would like to step down from my management position the other day. Maybe that will help. But that brings less money as well...so not really a positive change. Just can't handle being a boss and being graduate school anymore.

I'm so tired. I don't know how to help myself. My poor husband...I love him and I'm attracted to him but I don't ever WANT to have sex. If he can get me to, I love it. But it's like talking a bank teller into giving you the money in the safe. Ridiculous. I just don't want to.

I think I don't want to get better and that's why nothing works. But that's called a thought distortion. But I also, again, really feel like I am just doing this to myself.

So tired.

[ladisputelover]

I'm not exactly sure how to make you feel better as I feel the same way, but I just wanted to let you know that you're being heard. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I know how hard and how tiring and how just done you might feel; but please hang on.
I believe you can do it. Please talk to someone about this.
Whether it be your husband, a friend, a therapist, a pdoc. Talking really helps and if you do take medication, maybe it is just the wrong combination and if you don't, maybe you need some.
Speak up. It's hard, I know, but it's the only way to feel better.

Please take care of yourself.
Check in again soon.

[neverok89]

Originally Posted by ladisputelover

I'm not exactly sure how to make you feel better as I feel the same way, but I just wanted to let you know that you're being heard. I am so sorry you are dealing with this, I know how hard and how tiring and how just done you might feel; but please hang on.
I believe you can do it. Please talk to someone about this.
Whether it be your husband, a friend, a therapist, a pdoc. Talking really helps and if you do take medication, maybe it is just the wrong combination and if you don't, maybe you need some.
Speak up. It's hard, I know, but it's the only way to feel better.

Please take care of yourself.
Check in again soon.

I am hanging on. I'm considering going back to my therapist. I just don't know how she would help this time when it didn't help last time and I went for 8 months. I'm always honest with my poor husband so someone always knows how bad I'm struggling.

I appreciate you taking the time to let me know I'm being heard. I'm just trying to be honest about how I feel so maybe someone can tell me whatever it is I need to hear to help me.

But I don't know. I don't know what else to do. Thank you though.

((((((neverok))))

[Fuzzybear]

Do you see a medical doctor regularly? I think everyone who has depression needs a good primary care doctor. An internist is even better.

I had about five years of depression similar to what you're talking about in the late 90s. It turned out that I was developing an autoimmune disorder. When that finally showed enough symptoms to be diagnosed, and I got a medication to control it, my depression started responding to meds again.

There are other medical issues you can have too, like low vitamin D3 or B12 or thyroid problems.

If you have insurance and can afford it, it's definitely worth looking into.

And...I'm going to type this, even though maybe I shouldn't. It's about not wanting to have sex until you're actually doing it. I used to have a friend who made me laugh so hard once when he said, about women in general, "You have to hot her up before you bed her down."

Some men get offended if their partner isn't immediately interested, and others don't mind if it takes some effort before the woman gets into it. It sounds like you've got one of the second kind of man, so that's really terrific! If you are still able to enjoy sex once you get into it, even with your depression, that's a really good thing.

I still tend to have long depressive episodes. I'm just starting to come out of a 3 yr+ one. I've been slowly getting better for a couple of months now. I suppose it's mostly because I started seeing a really good therapist last fall. Or it just happened. Sometimes you never know.

But I do encourage you to get your medical status checked out if you haven't already. When you have chronic depression, doctors often attribute everything to the depression if it can be a symptom, and depression has lots of symptoms that overlap with other illnesses.

[neverok89]

Originally Posted by jo_thorne

Do you see a medical doctor regularly? I think everyone who has depression needs a good primary care doctor. An internist is even better.

I had about five years of depression similar to what you're talking about in the late 90s. It turned out that I was developing an autoimmune disorder. When that finally showed enough symptoms to be diagnosed, and I got a medication to control it, my depression started responding to meds again.

There are other medical issues you can have too, like low vitamin D3 or B12 or thyroid problems.

If you have insurance and can afford it, it's definitely worth looking into.

And...I'm going to type this, even though maybe I shouldn't. It's about not wanting to have sex until you're actually doing it. I used to have a friend who made me laugh so hard once when he said, about women in general, "You have to hot her up before you bed her down."

Some men get offended if their partner isn't immediately interested, and others don't mind if it takes some effort before the woman gets into it. It sounds like you've got one of the second kind of man, so that's really terrific! If you are still able to enjoy sex once you get into it, even with your depression, that's a really good thing.

I still tend to have long depressive episodes. I'm just starting to come out of a 3 yr+ one. I've been slowly getting better for a couple of months now. I suppose it's mostly because I started seeing a really good therapist last fall. Or it just happened. Sometimes you never know.

But I do encourage you to get your medical status checked out if you haven't already. When you have chronic depression, doctors often attribute everything to the depression if it can be a symptom, and depression has lots of symptoms that overlap with other illnesses.

I do not see a medical doctor regularly. However, I have seen them recently. I do have a vitamin D deficiency of some sort and they had me on a prescription dose of vitamin d for three months. It helped my levels but I didn't feel any better so I didn't continue taking it (probably should keep taking them though).

My husband is terribly understanding and patient and honest. So I know he is frustrated but I appreciate that he vocalizes how he feels.

I also have a "female issue" that is medical that I have seen a lot gynecologists about and they are only kind of sure of what it is. They haven't been able to correct that issue with medication yet so that, coupled with depression, is probably what makes intimacy so unappealing.

I really appreciate the feedback from everyone. I'm hoping that posting about it might help as well.

**I will start going to the doctor regularly though. That is a good suggestion. However, I easily agree to medication and I worry that my doctor might be one that throws meds at you. I had one like that as a teen and discovered how easy it is for people to get narcotics from physicians! This doctor I am seeing is new to me so we will see.