I let myself down, then I beat myself up

I'm not quite sure what I'm asking for here, beyond support and to know that I'm not alone.

I've been seeing a therapist for a few weeks now. I'm not sure how much it's helping, beyond the relief of just being able to unload all of my problems/issues on someone. I'm not holding back at all, just laying everything out on the table and seeing what we can make of it. I'm still crying through pretty much the whole session, but at least I can still manage to talk through the tears. So far, things in my life aren’t much better, but they aren’t any worse either.

Lately the most depressing thing I'm dealing with is that I don't feel connected to my husband anymore. We used to be so close, so connected that he could practically read my mind. I always felt so secure in our relationship before, like we had this super strong bond and nothing could ever come between us. Well, nothing has come between us per say, but I don't feel bonded to him anymore. I just feel lonely all the time, even when I'm with him. When we're trying to be intimate, sometimes I can feel the intimacy and feel bonded briefly - but then it's like I lose the feeling suddenly. It'll come back, briefly, but then go away again. I have this same problem with feeling pleasure or enjoying myself during sex - it'll be working for me for a while, then it'll change and not feel the same or not feel pleasurable anymore. I can't explain it, except to use the analogy that it's like having a radio in my head that is constantly changing stations without my having any control over it. (I hope that makes sense – and no, I do not hear voices. I’m just trying to explain how it’s like suddenly my perspective changes and I don’t feel the same from one moment to the next.)

My therapist said to me that the whole goal of therapy is for me to learn and grow, and he warned me that if hubby doesn't grow with me, I may end up in a place where the relationship just won't work anymore. This prospect scares me, but I also feel like I may be there already. L

It makes me so unbearably sad! I love my husband, or at least I used to. I don’t know how I feel anymore, I feel like I don’t even know myself these days. I don't want to leave him - I want our relationship to work, and to be together always. I want to continue to learn and grow with him, and grow old together and raise a family together. I just don’t know what to do to make it like it was before. I know better than to do something drastic (like leave him) while I’m so depressed and unsure of everything. I just don’t know how to get out of this funk and just be happy with him again.

And honestly, the prospect of leaving him terrifies me. I could get by financially, but I’d have no support network at all. My mom is dead, I don’t speak to her asshole husband (who isn’t even my real father anyway, I’ll never know him) and all my other family lives out on the East Coast. I have no friends near by either. I’d pretty much have to pick up and leave, move out East, and hope my extended family out there would adopt me for a bit till I can get established on my own. And then what – I’d just be looking for a new job and a new husband to start a family with. I don’t think this would actually solve any of my problems, it would just move them to a new zip code.

I want to get out of this constant loneliness and isolation. Lately the only friends I have are hubby’s family. But when we’re hanging out with them, I feel so much anxiety about saying or doing something stupid, or making them think less of me. So I end up not saying much of anything, which is not good either. I used to be such a social butterfly, I loved hanging out with people and talking and making new friends. I was always so outspoken about my views and opinions, I loved to debate, and I never cared if someone thought less of me because they believed something different (like different political views for example.) But now it’s like I don’t even know who I am anymore - I don’t know how I feel about anything. Everything is so gray instead of black and white, and I’m so ‘two ways’ about everything, it’s like I can see both sides of every issue but I can’t figure out which side I feel I belong on. And I’m so afraid to have the few people I do get to talk to not like me that I don’t even express the few opinions I do still have anymore.

The last few years have just been so damn lonely – my best friend lives in another state, so I rarely get to see her. My other best friend lives 1.5 hr drive away, so it’s maybe once a month that we’re able to get together, if that. And even though we’ve been together for like 7 years, I’m still constantly worrying about the opinion of me that hubby’s family has… so it’s like I’m always censoring myself around them, always walking on eggshells, never expressing myself when I even have an opinion to express.

On another subject, I can never take any pride in my accomplishments. This is probably connected to self loathing, or just not having a good self image. It’s like nothing is ever good enough, no matter what I do. If I do the dishes or clean the bathroom, that’s great – but there is still so much else to do that I always feel like I’m fighting a losing battle. One step forward, two steps back. I just had my yearly performance review at work, and I got the highest grade you can get, but I still don’t feel good about myself. I can never just enjoy my progress or small successes, no matter how much I tell myself I should just be happy or proud of myself for what I have accomplished.

Thanks for listening.

i'm sorry you're suffering so much. it sounds like things are really awful for you right now.

beating ourselves up never gets us anywhere. it's far more effective to focus on where you could improve, and the good things you HAVE done.

hugs. i know it's hard

Sorry things are so hard for you. It can be so hard to acknowledge when you do well, never mind feel proud. Well done in your performance review and even more well done for acknowledging it. Maybe you could keep a copy somewhere where you can read it often. Feeling the achievement takes practice. If I have a good report or comment from anyone I try to re-read it often, even when I feel no benefit, it has to go in eventually!

Fizzyo

Dysthymia and major depression