My depression

I thought I'd share a bit of my experience.

It's hard to adequately explain to someone who doesn't have this kind of depression just how it feels. I can be going along in my own little world, feeling perfectly fine - I don't like using words like "happy" or "content" because I'm not sure what they mean - and then a dark cloud appears on the horizon of consciousness. I gradually become aware of the black fringe on this margin and try to deny its existence but all the denial does is allow the depression to assert itself and move further in. It is at this point that I would, if I could, stop it in its tracks and send it back to whatever hell it came from. But I just can't and the sense of the black cloud slowly overcomes everything else, a darkness overlaying the light. Once it's there, it only shifts when it wants to shift and no attempts on my part have any effect.

The impact this has on me is twofold. Firstly, it makes it impossible for me to think of anything except the black cloud which has appeared and won't disappear. Every other activity is impacted and every single potential for a moment of pleasure or joy is spoiled because it is filtered through the overwhelming feeling. Secondly, it makes me excessively inward looking and suspicious, feeling as if no-one has ever felt as bad as I do and thinking that everyone who knows me must find me just as tedious company as I find myself. Inevitably, this is a self-fulfilling prophecy and the more I become convinced that people dislike me, the harder to like I become. I can sometimes see it in peoples eyes that "he's off again" and I try desperately not to communicate my feelings but they seem to have a habit of somehow slipping out. This becomes another thing to add to the black cloud and confirms to me that I am, fundamentally, not worth a great deal.

Hello Mike, you describe depression very well. We understand here, you are amongst friends.

Mike_UK_71, you nailed it. I was attempting to explain my experince with depression to a nondepressed someone not too long ago and I don't think they quite understood. Some people see the silver lining during dark periods, I see the dark cloud overshadowing the bright periods. I quarantine myself from others to not contaminate them with my toxic mood. I am currently facing an especially rough period and to prevent me from succumbing fully to my inner turmoil, I am discovering expressing my uncensored thoughts to an audience of nonjudgmental, anonymous, empathetic, and supportive peers has been therapeutic. If anything, the thoughts shared here resonate with millions of others who seeking refuge from pain. When you think about it, you are allowing yourself to take a bit of respite from your mental prison. You help others in the process which validates your worth to self and society. Self expression in whatever medium is therapeutic. Hang in there.

Hey Mike,thats one of the best descriptions of depression I've seen! That doesn't help you, but the fact so many of us recognise your picture means there are friends here who can understand and not judge. Keep posting if you can and you will find people you can talk to. Welcome. I hope PC give you as much help as they have given me.

I agree with everyone else, your description of depression is spot on. When I get into my black moods, I can't see anything but darkness. I understand how you feel immensely. I've only joined PC last night but I'm finding out that I can relate to a lot of what other people are going through.

It's hard for me to explain depression to those who don't suffer from it, but I've never known anyone else who suffered from depression. I think its good that a website like this exists because we can talk to others that feel the way we do.

I hope you find a little bit of solace in knowing that at least here, on this site, you're not alone.

Mike you're description of depression is so accurate.
I've always said mine feels like being sucked into a dark hole in the ground and being pulled further down and I can't get out. This impacts on my life everyday and I struggle to do simple things. I'm constantly tired and exhausted.

this description is so spot on, especially how you talk about the second way it affects you. i know this comment is not of much help to you, but to find people who feel the same as i do and to actually see my feelings validated and to have myself treated as i'm just a normal person with an actual disease means the world to me.

so thank you for sharing your stories and feelings. i hope that you know you're not alone, and that that helps you in continuing to fight. stay strong.