[caram1001]

This may be a lot to read but please bear with me. I've recently started becoming more aware that something within me isn't right. I mean I think I have had mild depression for a while, maybe since I was 15/16 (I am now 27) but I think it was very on and off so I never paid much attention to it.

I've been married for nearly 4 years and I have a 1 one year old child.
Married life has been ok. I am very happy with my husband, we've thankfully never had any problems/arguments. Only one thing is that he lied about being a virgin and I found this out about 8 months into the marriage. I still think about the lie to this day and I'm finding it hard to deal with - I get feelings of inadequacy, feel insecure and that I'm not as good/desirable as this other girl. Even though he was with this girl before me, I realise that there is nothing I can do and I have no reason to hate this girl but I do. I feel stupid for hating her and thinking about her all the time when I don't come across in her thoughts.
I live with the inlaws and I think this has contributed a lot to me feeling really down. We are planning on moving out but I know this is going to cause problems and I'm not sure when that will be. My MIL can be very nice and easy going but on the otherhand (and more regularly) be really moody, passive aggressive and take out her bad mood on me. I find this really stressful and mentally draining because I feel like I've done something wrong and she won't give a reason for her mood if I ask her. I could go on and on about what she's said and done to me but I would be here for a long time!
People might say it's because I had a baby that I might be more sensitive to things, but to be honest the way I am and think about things is the same as it was before having a baby. Ever since I've had the baby, I sometimes feel like my inlaws have forgotten about me and seem like they're only happy if the baby is with me. They say hello to the baby before me, and sometimes don't even acknowledge me.
Ever since I was about 14/15 (and I still do), I talk to myself and sometimes pretend that popular/famous people would want to me friends with me. When talking to myself, it's like I'm asking myself questions and then answer them. I think of scenarios that haven't happened, but ones I can imagine happening and get angry and annoyed and think/act what I would say if it happened. I can think myself into a bad mood by thinking about what my husband lied about and all the times my MIL/in laws have stopped me from doing things and it hits me how much of a walkover I am. I feel like I have no friends, and that they don't make an effort with me. I will be the one to contact them but I get nothing back. I don't drive because I feel stupid if I make mistakes, even though that is how you learn! I take lessons on and off (when I feel confident) but I am quick to quit when I feel like I'm going to make mistakes. My last 2 instructors I felt were quite impatient so I stopped lessons with them. I think because I don't drive I don't get away from the inlaws enough and therefore feel more trapped. But on the other hand, if I got out more the inlaws will be annoyed as in their view, good daughter in laws stay at home and help .

When I say something within me doesn't feel right, I mean that I get this really low feeling and it's more constant, and I'm struggling to not let it get to me or let me cry in front of others. I'm hardly eating, maybe just one meal a day because I feel like I can't be bothered eating and also my husbands grandparents also live in the house and his grandmother is the one who will watch what you're eating and how much and to avoid that I just don't eat. I'm constantly wondering if I've got a mood disorder or if its depression. I'm contemplating whether to tell my husband how I'm feeling but I feel embarrassed about feeling like this and also don't want him to feel like his family have made me like this...but they have had a big part in it.
When I was younger, my parents wouldn't let me go out with friends that much, especially at night so I wasn't able to maintain a social life and because in my culture we aren't allowed to drink, I wasn't able to do most of the things my friends did. So I'm not saying all of this is my inlaws fault, but I feel like because they are not my parents, I can't deal with them the same way I would my own parents so I have had to keep quiet and do things the way they want and have so many restrictions so now I have so much resentment and hate for my inlaws.

I think that is it, I've condensed most of what I've been feeling into this. I don't even know what I'm looking for, maybe just someone who understands what I'm going through and if this does sound like depression or maybe some advice on how to deal with certain issues (like my husbands lie). I feel like I have no one

[vital]

Originally Posted by caram1001

I think that is it, I've condensed most of what I've been feeling into this. I don't even know what I'm looking for, maybe just someone who understands what I'm going through and if this does sound like depression or maybe some advice on how to deal with certain issues (like my husbands lie). I feel like I have no one

Hi caram,

It does sound like depression to me. I also have a way to suggest to you to think about your husband's lie. I actually think that not being unable to forgive people is a symptom of depression. It doesn't even matter if they are sorry or deserve forgiveness or if your perceptions about the situation are correct. It's what I think of as the big trick of depression. The thing you focus on most and ruminate about is distracting you from the essence of the underlying problem. See if these notes make sense to you:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...ml#post4262681

And here is what I think is the best overall plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Welcome to this site! I'm sure you'll find it as helpful as I found it

Most of what you wrote is something I can relate to completely. From where I'm standing, it does seem like you have depression. And I agree with pretty much every word vital has said. It's better to see a therapist to be 100% sure, and simultaneously get the help you need And don't worry about posting long threads. Post as much as you like in the lengths that you desire!

[waterknob1234]

Welcome caram1001. It does sound like you are dealing with depression. If I had to live with my in laws we would probably fight until they threw me out. Posting to us may help you vent some of the frustration. Once again welcome.

[Crazy Hitch]

For me, personally, when I am depressed, these are the symptoms that I can really relate to; that you have mentioned in this post:

"Then I say something within me doesn't feel right, I mean that I get this really low feeling and it's more constant, and I'm struggling to not let it get to me or let me cry in front of others. I'm hardly eating, maybe just one meal a day because I feel like I can't be bothered eating and also my husbands grandparents also live in the house and his grandmother is the one who will watch what you're eating and how much and to avoid that I just don't eat."

So yes, I wanted to say please hang in there, I know it's not easy, but I am glad that you have posted here now - and may you receive the much needed support that you deserve.

Take care.

Depression Symptoms, Information & Treatment - Psych Central