I am not normal

No way I am normal. I'm like a 10 yr. old in a woman's body. Something is very wrong and I need meds again. Tried to stay off. Had gigantic panic attack on airplane on Mother's Day, have not been the same since. Cry every 5 minutes and have hot flashes but can it just be menopause? I've been sad since the age of 10 and I'm now 49. This panic attack was the scariest thing I've ever experienced in my LIFE and it was embarassing.
I am negative and turn everyone off. I don't see how anyone is happy, I am miserable but don't know how to change. I'm so used to misery that trying to be happy just feels weird.
I have chased everyone away with my problems. I want to be dead. I really do.

Hello

No one on Earth is stone hearted enough to be not affected by what you went through, but it's all about how he/she perceives it. Panic attacks are something that I haven't experienced, and I'm not aware of their effects on a person, but I can assure you that the key to forgetting the panic attack and and the key to happiness are both in your hands, no one has them but you. I suggest seeing a therapist specifically and specially for this problem, it will completely help just talking to someone professional about what happened to you. And, I can't accept the fact that someone who is a nurse and a mother of three boys, just wants to lay down and die. From where I am standing, you're a greatly valuable person, and what happens to you will affect those around you. Be happy, for them and for you

You're my mom's age, and I feel like I'm talking to her right now, so believe me when I say that I meant every word I wrote, I didn't lie or sugar coat You are valuable, and I don't envy you, you're in a terrible situation, but like I said, seek professional help focused on this problem, for the sake of your own happiness that will simultaneously reflect on your entire surrounding environment.

I have three boys :-)
I appreciate what you said. Sometimes it's hard to WANT to get help even but I know for the kids sake at least, I need to.
I always run from therapists becasue I feel like they are no different than just talking to my friends, like they are there only for a paycheck. Especially when they run you out the door so fast haha.

Sorry about the count, I saw your profile and was to lazy to re-check! But I fixed it, nevertheless

There are absolutely a number of great therapists out there, you just need to find them. Make the effort, like you said, for the sake of your children. I went through that, I searched for the right therapist, and I found him, I just made a little effort, having one goal in mind, which is to be "fixed" for my own sake first, then for the sake of my family. I know you probably realize how helpful this site can be, there's not a soul here that will judge you

The Olivia4 is the name a daughter would have had had I had one hehe. Dang. Still wish I'd gone for the 4th....

Minus the 4 of course lol, just Olivia