Heart of stone

My heart and my face feel like stone. Even though I didn't leave the apartment for two days, until I needed food this morning and made the briefest of trips, I do not feel as if I am isolating.

In 2003, I lost everything and wandered in confusion and mental disarray for much of 2003 and 2004.

After I started working part-time at the community college, I felt as if I was becoming accepted, even liked by a few people, respected and doing good things for my students. Being rejected for the full-time job, whilst seeing how young white males are preferred in a system of unprovable bias -- and being told that I am not really seeing what I see -- I feel as if I was kicked in the heart all over again.

I look at people in the stores and on the street, and my first thought is: How will this person hurt me.

A heart should be open, soft, squishy, loving. I know that, and I have read almost every positive thinking and cognitive therapy book that's important, and been with various Ts for years and years, and I don't even care very much that my heart is stone.

My mother says I have a bad attitude. I do not see any difference in outward effects of having a positive attitude and a bad attitude. But at least a bad attitude expresses the way I feel, so that I am cranky, short-tempered, defensive and mean, and keeps people away.

(((((((((Wants)))))))))))

I'm sorry for the hurt you are feeling. You can be cranky, short-tempered, defensive and mean all you want with me, but I will still be here for you.

*Gentle Hugs*
J

Wants, a good defense is a good offense............we all get hurt at times and we get defensive. time will take care of it. i know you and love you as a dear friend. xoxoxo pat

I like that signature line, Pat. I think I will save it someplace in case I need it! Thank you, Sabau and Fayerody, for responding.

For the time I have known you here, I know you have a lot of goodness in your heart, a lot of love and kindness.

(((((((((Wants2Fly)))))))))))

Take good care of yourself!

(((((((((Wants2fly))))))))))) You may have an inner ***** in you like I have and you may feel you need her to shield you from being hurt again but Wants-one of those people out on the street that you look at, well, it may be me. And I'd never hurt you intentionally with malice or for the fun of it. Never, ever.
You're loved and cared about here. I hope you know that. If you let yourself, you can be loved there, too. I hate that people in your life have been so mean to you that you cannot trust anyone. I hope you find love that'll turn your heart soft and smooshy again. I don't believe that you're incapable of feeling love. You show love and kindness all over the PC boards.
<~~~~that's you,an angel.

Thank you for your kind and loving and supportive words, Pickle and TimeO.

(((((((((((((( Wants2 ))))))))))))))

I'm sorry! And, I agree with Pickle

I wrote something like this on a blog, as well as an open letter to the President of the College where I have been employed detailing the way the old-boys-network has worked to favor young white males -- and she said, It is a big mistake for you to have this on an open blog (my real name is on it, and I call the CC by its name), and you sound so angry and bitter. NO ONE GOES TO MY BLOG ANYWAY. I googled my name -- and google says I'm the only person in the USA with this particular name -- and my blog doesn't even show up!

The more often anyones tell me that "You shouldn't feel that way" -- it just makes me feel more entrenched and stubborn.

Almost every older woman I talk with has had something similiar happen to her or to a woman she knows.

And being faced with homelessness by the end of the year, after working so hard to get my Ph.D. so that I would never be poor again, yeah, yup, I'm angry and bitter. You betcha.

Thank you, Fuzzybear.

the bitterness will eat us up inside in time. resent sorta piles up in there and spills out at unexpected times.....it hurts us more than it does anyone out there who ***** us over. i always try to look at them and know that "what goes round, comes round".....and then move on.

i am sad for you and i know your circumstances are dire, but i dont' think that you are going to sink. you're a tough ole broad, just like me, and you'll rise from this.......love you, pat