[secretgalaxy]

Tomorrow is when I have to decide whether or not I want to do PHP at my family session with T. I honestly don't want to go to either, but at this point I don't know if I have a choice. If I don't want to do either then I'll probably have to sign a stupid contract that says I'll keep myself safe. I don't want to sign those things again, they make me feel trapped, like I have no control over myself.

And what if I decide not to show up at partial one day? What will they do to me? There will probably be days that I don't want to go. Is there going to be another contract thing with it? I really hate those.

Maybe I can just act like everything is fine and everyone will just go away...

[Crook32]

PHP did nothing for me. I really don't like groups and that is all it is. I mainly went so that I could get my meds straightened out. Which unfortunately didn't happen and I ended up going IP.

As for missing days at PHP I think it depends on the program. The first one I did really didn't let you miss days. But this last one I was at seemed to let you miss as long as you called to let them know.

Good luck in your decision I hope it works out for you.

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[secretgalaxy]

Thanks for sharing I hate group, so I don't think PHP will help me at all. Even individual therapy won't help as I won't open up to anyone.

Yea, I'm worried I need IP. I really don't want to go though. Like I see no point of either.

[gayleggg]

I've been to both and found I to be best for me. However, I was in an extremely depressed state at the time. It allowed them to make med changes while keeping a close eye on me. It really worked out very well for me.

Good luck to you.

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[Fuzzybear]

[LittleEarthquakes]

I think you probably won't get any benefit out of either if you don't want to do it. That's my opinion.

[secretgalaxy]

It's my therapist who thinks I will benefit from it. I don't care to get better, but supposedly I don't really have a choice and am too sick to see it. From what I have researched, to get anything out of PHP, you need to want to get better.

[Crook32]

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

It's my therapist who thinks I will benefit from it. I don't care to get better, but supposedly I don't really have a choice and am too sick to see it. From what I have researched, to get anything out of PHP, you need to want to get better.

That is how it was for me too. My T wanted me to go but she knew how I felt about groups so she convinced me to just go for the benefit of seeing a pdoc everyday to get my meds right. Unfortunately I got worse during PHP and was forced IP. I felt like I didn't want to get better either. But being IP they upped my meds so much it actually made a little bit of a difference. I am still not 100% and we are still tweaking the meds but I am a lot better than I was before IP.

If you are at least willing to give new meds a try it might not be a bad place to be.

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[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

If I don't want to do either then I'll probably have to sign a stupid contract that says I'll keep myself safe. I don't want to sign those things again, they make me feel trapped, like I have no control over myself.

Maybe I can just act like everything is fine and everyone will just go away...

Originally Posted by secretgalaxy

Even individual therapy won't help as I won't open up to anyone.

Sorry I've no advice, it sounds like we are stuck in a pretty similar place though. There's no PHP here but I hated the Crisis Team, all those visits to tell me that I need to get out more, in the end I just pretended I was better to get them off my case. I don't open up with anyone either.

I know it doesn't help you, but it would be better for you to choose rather than having a decision forced upon you.

((((((Secretgalaxy))))))

[secretgalaxy]

I've tried meds before and I hated them. They made me manic and angry. Since I have a job I can't let that happen. Honestly I just want to be left alone.

I'm about to be 150% fake. Well, maybe not... my body is against me as my heart is hurting from the stress (I have an innocent murmur that sometimes causes fainting). Ugh, why can't I just disappear...

[cloudyn808]

Aloha Galaxy,

Oh yeah, I'm where you're at right now... I decided to do PHP despite my knowledge that it really will not (and can not) help me due to total anhedonic state for 7-years. Ive been going 3 weeks now and trying to make the best of it because it IS keeping me accountable to get out and DO something/anything and I actually have learned a couple new coping skills. Most days however I feel like a terminal cancer patient attending a cancer survivors group. I DO watch people get "better" and although I'm happy for them, it reminds me how ****ing sick I am... Hummm, now that I think about it...maybe IP IS a better idea?

[secretgalaxy]

I was just thinking IP would be better, but I still don't want to do it. I guess I'm the person with cancer that just realizes that they are going to die and there is nothing they can do about it. I still do get out and see my friends and work 30 hours a week, but it is exhausting.

I actually went to the doctor about my heart today, as it has been acting up and causing me to almost pass out and it has been hurting lately, and now they want me to be on a monitor and get an ultra sound on it. This is just another thing on top of the other crap I'm dealing with. Sometimes I hope that it is just enough to push my body over the edge so that I don't have to.

I might try another week just to get my heart tested and then I might as well go to IP.

My T today pushed (gently) partial, and after I told her I didn't want to she said she didn't have many choices because my plans are too detailed and she wants to know what to do with me. She is really concerned about me and I wish she wasn't.