[hpocus]

And I'm not sure I want to. I've come to a kind of peace about it.

Everything always meets my expectations to be at best a disappointment, but that's better than feeling like my every interaction is a slap in the face. Even when I get exactly what I want, it's never enough, because the well has run dry, all it's doing is wetting the stones.

Before, when I had hope, it always hurt so much. Now, it doesn't phase me, because, of course, I'm being treated as I should be. I've accepted my life as it truly is, and as it will be.

Now, every second it's like I'm moving through sludge, and it would be a hell of a lot easier just to hop off the merry-go-round for good, but it's consistent. It's like my baseline has been reset, much lower than it was before, but it's super stable.

If it can't get better, if this is it, why put the energy into even trying?

[waterknob1234]

I sometimes wonder if things will get better. I have to hold out hope that they will. However, if you can find a peace about things it does help. Nobody likes to have big, bold expectations and then be let down. I suppose it is still worth trying because we never know when we will have a breakthrough to success. After a while trying does get hard.

[gayleggg]

I have several times decided that things couldn't get better and gave up. However, I found each time that things did improve. Just when I would lose all hope something would change and things would get better. Usually, it was just a change in my outlook or mood. Being bipolar it's just something you get used to.

So, I'm saying things can always get better and it's worth the effort.

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[hpocus]

Thank you.

"Big bold expectations" - like someone saying hello. Better just to hole up, shut up, and wait for the end.

And - I'm not bipolar. I have a PD, not a brain chemical issue, so meds don't do anything. Sometimes I suck it up better, but PD's are permanent, incurable, you just have to learn to manage them.

How I've chosen to manage my PD has basically thrown me up against a cliff. Possibly, I could go back and find a new path, but I'd have to completely undo everything I've done in the past, rip apart all of my coping mechanisms, and take a chance on new ones. I picked the most promising path the first time. The chances are not good if I give it another go. The best option is to stick to the edge of my cliff, accept it, and try to find some satisfaction in knowing this is the choice I have made.