[smartiesparty]

I am new and I wanted to expose my problem. I have several mental problems but I stick to the depression forum first. I am so sorry if it's confusing.

I became severely depressed when I was around 16 years old. I had always been a rather 'sad' kid and I couldn't cope with emotions very well. When I was 16, high school started and I was in a bad mental state. I couldn't keep up with the classes and with my social life and I developed what they call 'school refusal' (school phobia).

I would never study because I couldn't get out of bed, I was so exhausted even though I didn't do anything. My friends were mean to me and they didn't understand why I never showed up to social gatherings. I nearly failed my year, which to me, was the worst thing.

My doctor put me on medication (antidepressants), on SSRIs. That's when everything became worse. When I took it, I developed Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which I still have now after having been medication-free for 6 months. I was numb and I just slept, sometimes 15 hours a day. I missed classes, over and over again. I had very bad thoughts, it was like everything became hopeless, even more than before.

I got off the meds and now I'm in a very dark place. I also see a therapist but I might need to change because she doesn't take me seriously and I don't feel at ease talking to her about my problems.

I am very depressed and very mean to the people I love. I do not do it on purpose. My mother told me that I have made life disgusting for her with my illness and that I am making her crazy and that it is all my fault. I don't want my mother to suffer, she is the only person I have and whom I trust. She thinks I am doing it on purpose and faking my sickness.

I had a boyfriend for a few months and I almost ALMOST thought I was feeling happiness again, because I felt so loved ! After so many years in the dark I was able to laugh again, and I felt like I/we had a future together. But suddenly he cut me off and said he never wanted to see me again and I started

Possible trigger:

cutting and burning my arms

because it just feels so better than to feel that hole in your soul. The day after the break up I had to get a doctor because I was in such a bad place. I still love him after 8 months of being without him. I blame him for throwing me away. My whole physical and mental health became worse and I still feel crippled in relationships with other people. I know that depressed people are hard to be with, but I really believed that together we could work this out.

I am still suffering from this in particular and I have no future. I don't know if I'll be able to attend college in the fall because of this. Everything seems so painful. I am able to do nothing. I can't cook for myself ( I am an okay-ish cook but I can't perform the action) , I can't go out and see other people-the only thing I can do is lay in bed or on the couch. I feel hopeless. My mother doesn't want me to take medication again because it 'ruined' me but I know I probably won't get better without them. I don't know how to manage my situation.

[Living Dead Guy]

Doc's can always prescribe different medications and dosages as well as combinations. Not all SSRIs work the same. So I would definitely look into visiting a doc. He can also help you cope with losing your boyfriend.

If you are currently SI'ing or feel the urge there is a forum for that as well. In the stickies there is a HUGE list of alternative things to do. Drawing on yourself with a red marker or using ice have worked for me.

I hope you feel better soon. No matter what keep trying despite how difficult it can become.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are having such a terrible time. Sounds like you've been through a lot. Is it possible to find a different therapist that you might could connect with better?

As Living Dead Guy said there are many medication combos that don't cause problems. Maybe trying a different combination might help.

Here is the link to the sticky that Living suggested Things to do instead of hurting yourself and also a link to the Self Injury forum Self Injury

I encourage you to try what ever you can to get through this. You are worth it.

I'm glad you chose to come here. It's a very helpful place to hang out.

[waterknob1234]

Hi smartiesparty and welcome to pc. I like your screen name. It is cute. I am so sorry you are having so much pain and suffering. I know depression is a mean beast. For starters, if your therapist is not helpful, is there a way to find a different therapist? I also understand it is painful when a relationship with someone special ends. There are other medicines for depression besides the SSRI's. Also, it helps some to talk to others and posting here helps too. You will find you are not alone. There are many of us going thru similar things and we understand how depression feels.