Not sure if I am doing this to hurt myself. No wait...pretty sure I am. I want to make myself feel as bad as possible. Thats what I feel I deserve. How do I achieve this? I don't want to sleep. Want to push myself to the extreme. I know if I don't sleep I will feel worse...this is what I want/deserve/need. If I drink I will feel worse. I know this so I am drinking. I also stopped taking my meds nearly three weeks ago. Is this a factor? Probably. Do I care? No.

And it feels like a massive risk posting this. I don't want it to be seen. But at the same time...I don't know what else to do. So here I am. Time to continue down this path. I'm resigned to it. I don't have the energy to fight. I don't have the energy to change. This is me.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Secret, you are not a bad person. You don't deserve bad things. That is the depression talking. You are a good person and you deserve much better. You deserve peace of mind and good things in life. You are a kind person and a good friend. Can you go back to a pdoc? Go back to or change meds? Is there something or someone that can offer you a distraction from the pain you are feeling.

You are a very good person. Please take care of yourself and stay safe.

[Fuzzybear]

But I'm not a good person. I feel terrible. I just want it to end.I'm so tired.

[hpocus]

I can relate. A lot. But I've set my life up so that people depend on me, so the choice is out of my hands at the moment. I suppose that's a good thing - for them. Me? I'm not so sure about that...

[vital]

- vital

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm doing pretty much the same things as you at the moment. I've no advice but you can PM me if you think it might help or at those times when the pain is really awful. ((((((secretwhisper))))))

I'm worried about you. Is there anyone in real life that can help you or that you can talk to? Please stay safe.

I see my T in a few hours... I'm just not sure how honest I want to be. It's only my third session with her... And I'm not really sure what she can do to help.

Can you do some relaxation exercises until then? Or sleep, or lie down and listen to music to pass the time? Free Resources - Free Mindfulness has some great exercises.

[Fuzzybear]

T tried to get me to make a contract to keep safe..couldn't agree to it though. So she told me to try at least.

I just feel like I don't care. I don't have the will to do the right thing. I know the things I should be doing to help myself...but I don't want to!

[TheOriginalMe]

Originally Posted by secretwhisper

T tried to get me to make a contract to keep safe..couldn't agree to it though. So she told me to try at least.

I just feel like I don't care. I don't have the will to do the right thing. I know the things I should be doing to help myself...but I don't want to!

My T tried that too, it didn't work, I did slow down a bit on some of the stuff but started other things . Once the self destruct urge gets rolling it is very hard to stop.

[waterknob1234]

To Secret

[Nicky123]

Just hang in there, it is SO hard to be able to do anything when we feel like this....