[onetwothreex]

I am so full with guilt and shame right now, i wish i would not be on this planet. I used to be abused as a child by my mother, either mentally and physical. this messed me up a lot when i was a kid, and was taken away from her when i was 8 together with my little brother who was 4. I got to a new school. Which was actually new for me in all ways because my mother never brought me to school. so i missed school from my 5th till my 10th i think. and i was way behind other kids at school. educational and social. I became a troublesome kid, who bullied a lot and was very confused. i began pulling out my eye leashes and ate them. also started pulling hair from my head, and did not knew that was wrong. I had all those kinds of strange habits which now i know are ridiculous. I had almost no friends at school, and except from being a bully i was a very scared kid also, and always thought people would wanna hit me for no reason. I created this fantasy world, where i thought everyone and everything on this planet existed because of me, that everything was here to be a part of my life, as if i was the only REAL person alive and everything else was fake. I really dont know why i had these crazy thoughts and fantasies, but i did. the older i got the more i began to see the real world, but the pain and confusion still were there. I bullied kids on high school, but also got bullied by other kids. When i became older i joined the military and went to afghanistan. i had a very rough tour and came back with ptsd, and got treated for that. On top of that my stepmother became sick 2 years ago (lung cancer). and i became a bit down. in the meanwhile i had a gf. and we lived together, we were engaged. But i was starting to become a mess inside my head, and made a mistake one night at a bar and kissed another girl. i felt EXTREMELY guilty, and eventually confessed it to my gf. she was very upset but decided she wanted to stay with me, and we still got married a couple of months later. the marriage was a bit of sweet and sour because my stepmother died a month before our marriage, and my father decided to not come due to some family issues. so i felt abandoned. The idea that both my biological parents still lived but neither of them came to my marriage due to (my mother who abused me) and my father who did not come due to his personal issues with other family members was very hurtful to me. For the 10000th time i felt left alone. Ever since the thing with the other girl happened (kiss) and my stepmother(s) sickness combined with my messed up mental state due to my childhood i became severely depressed with serious suicidal thoughts. i was SO DEPRESSED at my own wedding i felt guilty towards everyone who came. Ever since this guilt / depression kicked in i feel guilty for all my sins i ever had. i feel like i am responsible for all my mistakes (and i am). but i dont know how to forgive myself. i know i am a changed person right now. i became very sensitive and caring, and have a lot of empathy towards others. I started thinking about all the wrongs i did. and one of them which controls my life right now is how i mistreated my dog. not like kicking and punching. but i used to pull the leash very hard until he gagged, one night he choked on a piece of bone and he kept trying to swallow it, so i kinda sorta choked him so the bone would not go any further, and it worked it got out. but somehow ever since i became fascinated with him gagging on food, and so some times i would sort of choke him until he gagged and then i let go, i found it funny..... but afterwards i always felt very guilty. Another time i was walking him, and i wondered if he could swim, so i sorta got him half in the water and he started peddling very hard, i started to laugh but did not let him go under water and took him out real quick. And then there is another thing, always when i was busy cooking in the kitchen he would come sid besides of me and beg for food. so i got tired from it and threw some grounded black pepper at him. at that made him sneeze and squeezed his eyes. this to i have done multiple times. sure there are other things i did to bully him but right now am so ashamed. why would i do that?
Is this considered animal abuse? animal cruelty? or was i just a bully?
i love(d) the dog very much. but had these weird tendencies of bullying it sometimes..... am i sick?
the dog died last year due to his age (15) but had already been with another family member since 2 years ago, due to allergic reactions from my wife. i wish i could just see the dog one more time and hug and cuddle him, and apologize. i cry everyday for him. i feel his pain, i know how scared he sometimes must have been, because i was like that exactly as a kid. 1 year ago i got 2 kittens and i love em to death. would never hurt em. they are like my baby's. but that makes me so sad, because i wish i could have given that to the dog if he were here right now. dont mistake me i did a lot of nice things with the dog as well, gave him a lot of nice stuff. cuddled with him talked with him. layed together on the couch and all that kind of stuff. but i also mistreated him
Is that a sick persons mind? I feel like i am not worth living, and others would be better off if i was dead.

[CANDC]

Welcome to Psych Central. I am so sorry you are suffering from feelings of depression and grief about multiple issues. Some people find it helps to contact a grief counselor or therapist. If you have a prescribing doc for Psych medicine and tell them how med is not working, they might change or modify prescription. If not a psych doc can help with meds to get back on stable ground. Supporting animal shelters with donations might be one may to reach a place of completeness about this issue.

The depression chat meets every Thursday night 9pm Greenwich -5 hours since we are on daylight savings or 9pm EST. You need 5 posts or replies to other posts to use the chat room.
Anxiety chat on Wednesday is similar if you can't swing Thursday night 8pm EST.

There are lots of compassionate people here that can make the load lighter by sharing and caring. Feel free to participate actively at Psych Central.

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Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.

[Fuzzybear]

[Clara22]

Hi,
Thanks a lot for sharing your story. Healing is a long process. It is evident you are on the path of healing. But it takes time and sometimes it is bumpy. Perhaps therapy could be of help. I am not sure about bullying. But about your fantasy during childhood it seems to me that was a very logical way for your mind to defend yourself from external chaos. As a child you had been neglected and abused. Then you were introduced to new environments with multiple challenges. You were just a kid and those were huge challenges for you, you were just a kid and could not control almost anything that was happening to you . So, as a mechanism, your mind created this fantasy world were you were in charge. I think these fantasies are to bring some relief. In my childhood, I would fantasize about being a successful pianist, everybody clapping at my performance while in the real world my mom was always cold and criticizing me.
To me, your cruelty towards your pet during childhood was a kind of a release, and again, a way of being in control, to compensate for what had been done to you. This is what I thought when I read what you wrote. I am not sure about my take on these details of your life but I think it is very unfair you feel guilty for them . Those were reactions that you could not manage, really.
Anyway, I hope you keep posting. I have faith in you and hope you will feel better

[waterknob1234]

Hello onetwothreex, and welcome to pc. It sounds like you had some painful and difficult issues to deal with during your childhood. I feel bad for the suffering you have been thru. And I am sure Afghanistan was hard too.

I can feel your pain in your post and I can see you feel so guilty and bad about the hurt you caused to your dog and others. Perhaps you learned aggressiveness as a way to handle things when you were a child growing up with abuse. Are you in therapy? If not maybe that would be helpful. I liked the suggestion of easing the guilt sense by supporting an animal shelter.

I don't know where you are spiritually and it is not for me to preach a religion, but what may be helpful is to pray to God as you know him, and ask His forgiveness for the things that are bothering you. God can and will forgive us even when no one else will. This can bring about a sense of peace.

I read in my Bible about a man named Saul who killed and persecuted the early Christians. Jesus appeared to him and asked him why he was persecuting him. Jesus forgave Saul, changed his name to Paul, and this man became one of the best Christian teachers the world has ever known.

Don't give up. You have had a hard life but there is hope for you. I wish you a sense of peace.

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central onetwothreex!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator by left clicking on their name in blue to the left of their post if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

I'm sorry for your struggles. You'll find we have a safe and supportive community. I'm glad you've joined us.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!