Sick of taking care of him.

Today has been miserable. Not the day, really, just me - I've been miserable. At the VA most of the day, and my boyfriend's swallowing problem isn't responding too well to treatment. We separated some years ago, but I've still always helped him with his health problems. I have to stay with him until tomorrow because he is still loopy from anesthesia.

Even after tomorrow I can't leave him alone much. I come by almost every day to try and put something together for him to eat. It's hard because he has so much trouble swallowing and has little interest even in foods he could swallow.

I'm with him so much that it's like I'm back living with him again . . . and I'm starting to hate it. I'm his housekeeper, his chauffeur, his nurse, his companion, his cook, his secretary. I guess he would have been placed in a nursing home by now, if not for all the help I provide that keeps him going in his apartment. Tommorrow I'll have to take his laundry to the laundramat . . . pick up his pain med at the post office . . . get him some more groceries. He also needs a shower tonight or tomorrow and clean sheets on his bed. It's an argument to get him into the shower, which he can't do without help. I'll try to get that done tonight.

I'm sick of being cooped up with him in his small apartment. I'm sick of being with him. I'm sick of doing everything for him. If being with him was nice, I'ld still be living with him. It's over 7 years since we last lived together. We were both glad to split up and move apart. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He lives alone, but has me available to do everything I would be doing if I was still living with him. I was kind of glad to have this "job" to do. Now I feel like a perfect fool. I'm just sick of it. I don't feel appreciated or cared about.

I am depressed. He can do nothing for me. He asks me all the time, "How are you feeling?" (about 7 times a day.) He doesn't really listen to my answer. He'll stare at the TV for the remainder of the evening. He'll be quite content. Then he'll get tired and go to sleep. I'll be up half the night unable to sleep. He'll never say, "Gee, I'm lucky to have you around. Thanks for pushing me all around that hospital in the wheelchair today."

I'm just completely taken for granted. I'm very depressed. He's always told me he doesn't understand anything about depression. Well, he might feel different if he found himself sitting in a wheelchair in some dive nursing home on Medicaid. I felt so bad that he could end up that way if I didn't do everything to help him manage at home. It's like I stand between him and the miserable existance he's done everything to deserve. For years, when he drank, he stole from me, lied to me, verbally abused me. I left him . . . but I never completely left him. I thoight some connection to him was better than me ending up completely alone . . . which kept happening to me.

Now I don't want to leave him and I don't want to stay. I just wish I was dead.

I am so sorry, Rose! When my mother got the swallowing problem the end was close. Often, choking produces neumonia. In the case of my mom, doctors did not want to put a feeding tube. Sometimes I hate that, I think that if she had had a tube she would have lived more time. But it would have been a torture for her. She was depressed and she told me so. I was not in a good shape, either. On top of that, my brother was making our lives miserable. I feel for you and I support any decision you make. I imagine the kind of hell you are going through, Rose. I am sending you a big hug

(((((((( Rose ))))))))

Rose can the V.A. do anything like home care for him?? Please check into it. Sending you gentle hugs.

I did. An attendant comes one day per week for four hours . . . . and does next to nothing while visiting. He used to have twice weekly shower visits, as well. But that didn't work out. He can't even wash himself and won't let anyone but me provide the hands on assist that he needs. He was supposed to go to elder daycare twice a week, but refuses to go. I need to look onto "respite care."

Something stuck out to me in your post Rose, you said he asks you 7 times a day how you're feeling? Does he ask you that many times because he senses how you feel? Why do you think he isn't listening to you? Lots of men have a very hard time expressing their actual thoughts and feelings, is he that type? I'm sure he can't be totally clueless as to how much you're helping. Maybe he has difficulty expressing appreciative emotions? Maybe you can find a caregiver for him with his VA services and not have to deal with it anymore.

Cosmic Rose, that's a good point. I hadn't really thought about why he is always asking this. I think you're on to something . . . that he sees me getting a bit overwhelmed and has some concern for me. He is very much the type who finds it difficult to express a lot of things. He's not the clueless type. He was never the kind of man to expect to be waited on. He always washed and ironed his own clothes and did most of the cooking when we lived together. He was always very helpful. It must be hard for him to be so dependent. My heart just bleeds for him, knowing how hard he tried for as long as he could . . . even after serious physical deficits were already setting in. I wish he would share more about what goes through his mind. I have to give him credit for how seldom he complains about anything. He is not a whiner, but pleasantly resigns himself to what can't be changed . . . far better than I ever would.

He would be eligible to go into a long-term care facility anytime he wants. The VA has already assured me of that. It is only my involvement that has kept him at home in his apartment, where he is content to be. But, short of going into a facility, there just isn't much help that he'll get. I've turned over every stone in pursuit of that.

Sometimes, I am in grief that we ever separated. So much of what I do would be easier, if we still lived together. It upsets me to leave him alone at all. But, then, I think of what led to us splitting up, which we did a number of times, and I had put up with a lot of ill treatment. It's not for nothing that I decided I would rather live alone than with him. I guess I really wish the past could have been different from what it was, but it was as it was and that can't be changed. I am probably rethinking decisions I made in the past, which is probably very foolish to do. I figured things out then as best as I could do. That's all I can do now.

Today I am home at my place enjoying my "day off." (He had the attendant there today who did make him a decent lunch, which he ate.) I feel much better than when I started this thread. When I did was a day that I felt exhausted. I get depleted, but then I manage to recover. It's a repeating cycle. I guess it will remain that, and I'll just get through one day at a time.

In my op if he doesn't give you any value, just stop all this and walk. It’s best to talk to him openly-posting on forums won’t help you with that. You have to open up, and tell him what you feel inside. If he still continues this way, walk and don’t look back. If it’s difficult for you to turn a complete blind eye, hook him up with some professional healthcare service like C-care ( Home Care Services Toronto & Nursing Agency Toronto | C-Care Health Services ) or a long term care facility like you mentioned, and let him pay for care giving.

There is absolutely no need for you to stay in a relation that takes away your happiness.