I was doing better.... for awhile

I haven't given an update in quite sometime because when you are well, or improving you never reflect. Well, I think I have deluded myself in believing that I had progressed to some level of betterness. While it is true I haven't experienced the depression quite like I have been for the past year and a half. I have been in a bit of denial of my mental well being. I am not well. I am emotionally reactive and unstable. Most of the time I feel as though I'm cognitively impaired. A good source of my memory is diminished. And I am in a constant state of fluctuation. Now before you suggest bipolar or some illness close to that, know I have had adverse reactions to every medication that I have been prescribed. Sertraline, Lexapro, an SNRI (the name eludes me), lithium, and seroquel. I could not provide substantial enough evidence about the damage done by seroquel, but it's been significant and I wouldn't doubt that my lack of improvement is correlated in some way with that medication. I have had residual effects from it that started when I started the medication. But I digress. I wanted to share with someone my existential frustration and the finality that my mind wants to embrace. But by the grace of my biology I am still here. So the idea that has been battering around in my head lately has been that of freewill. And I have come to the conclusion that it doesn't exist. And that, for whatever reason, terrifies me. To realize I am not the driver of my own actions, there is a life process that is pushing and pulling me. Which leaves my experience nothing more than looking through a glass window. The questions I ask are purely egocentric. The true question I want to know is why do I have to be me? Amidst the chaos of the universe. Why do I exist in the way that I do. Why do I use the words i do, why do I have an interest in the things I do, why can't I be helpful to anyone, including myself? I have many more unanswerable questions, but I think they would dilute the message. I was reminded of the lack of control yesterday when I decided to do some things that became problematic to me as of today. I got hired for a position today that would help my life progress in a direction of contentment. But because of what I did, I have the potential not to get hired. And because of this thing, which should be so miniscule that it matters only to my physical health. I may be unable to move, yet again. Not only that, but even in that potential this thing has sent me spiraling into the chaos of suicidal depression yet again. No plan, just the recurring, yet seemingly ever present thought that I should end it. My journal entry tonight had a passage that went something like this "the smoke is in the air and the nail is in the coffin and I will not see you tomorrow." Again, no plan, but i cant deny that my mind immediately heads for that conclusion. I must say as well, am tired of not being able to discern reality from fiction within my own mental space. The two are often intertwined. And usually send me to contemplate the infinite. Which then depersonalizes me and I feel like a stranger inside of my flesh. So I guess to sum it up life is ultimately meaningless and I have no control. And I may not be around much longer. But I have said this before so I hardly know if it's true or my love of hyperbole and drama. I just really need that job. Then I will be doing well enough.

How much longer before you know that the job is definite?

Sorry you feel so out of control and unhappy. I hope this job works out.

Pondering the big questions is enough to make anyone unhappy and confused. I've studied the 'freewill' question in depth, and it's a problem that philosophers have been studying for thousands of years - and still no one has a definitive answer.

So I choose to believe that it does exist. Because I really don't want to live in a world where I feel like I have no control over my choices or the direction that my life takes. Plus, I don't want to believe that all the horrible things that happen in the world are just 'destined' to happen, or that someone who (for a random example) abuses children does it because they have no choice or free will, they just do it because it's their 'fate' to do it, or it's the child's 'fate' to be abused. I think that takes a sense of personal responsibility for our actions out of the equation, and I choose not to live that way or believe that. I think we all have a choice before we act, and we are responsible for our own actions. This is just my opinion.

I hope you are able to get the job you want. Had you smoked pot, is that what happened to worry you about not getting the job? I got lucky, when I had my drug test for work they did a mouth swab thing, which can basically only detect pot if you'd just smoked within the hour. I'd tried it for the first time a few days before, and my test came back clean. I really hate that pot is such a problem in our country. It's just a plant after all, and it's impossible to overdose on. Alcohol causes way more health problems, yet that is still legal (and encouraged even.) At least some states are passing medical allowances, or outright decriminalizing, so there is hope that the rest of the USA will catch up soon... I can hope.

Hugs for you though. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time of it right now.

and the best of luck to Billtrick