[thawless]

two months into a nervous breakdown. every day i contemplate killing myself, it's more than 2/3 my active thoughts

last week i didn't even go to work. where i am necessary. i have deeply upset and disappointed my boss, who i am fairly close too.

on the fourth of july, i was invited and wanted to go to the small party my boss was throwing. i started getting ready, and felt more and more heavy with guilt and shame. my husband and i stayed in all night, for the most part.
the remainder of the weekend, i spent crying and panicking and scared.
i called in sick. an entire week. i didn't sleep in, always hopeful that i wouldn't wake up mid-panic and crying, but i did.

for the last two months, maybe more now, i've been suicidal, it consumes about 80 percent of my thoughts, i barely think anymore. i've been so stressed, depressed, and down that i can barely get anything reasonable done.

i so badly want to quit my job but i have $18 dollars to my name and my boss is the only person who has ever employed me and is the only authority figure who has really made me feel like i'm not lazy piece of **** (i work 12 hour days on my feet in a very active job and i never complain, take holiday shifts, show up in every kind of weather, i always give my upmost 100% and have many responsibilities too [this doesn't bother me, it gives me a sense of reason and being.]). i need to get started on my career, go back to school. i'm afraid of this...

i love work more than anything else, sometimes. it is my livelihood and i miss it every day. i can't believe i let her down. she has arthritis and isn't in perfect health, i have carpal tunnel and contemplate suicide every day but sometimes i can make it work. i can't believe i did this to her. i'm so afraid to talk to her today. (we aren't open on mondays)
she tends to blame or associate my mental health issues with alprazolam (i'm prescribed 2-2.5 mg/daily), though i've been taking the same effective prescription for nearly two years.

i spent all last week on the phone with my mother, who has hurt me very bad but has been there for me when she finally dropped the denial about my mental health.

i don't know. i'm terrified. i cry every day. i want to self harm but i have gone a year since i last tried and i can't stand to wake up without any medication left so i won't ****ing try again because after 10 ****ing tries i'm sure i'm immortal or something
my husband only sees that we don't have the amount of money we should and he doesn't understand how i feel at all, yet this guy loves and studies psychology, he can't ****ing understand at all. i feel like he resents me too.

[gayleggg]

I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. Have you talked to your doctor about how bad you are feeling? You need to seek professional help. Call the suicide hotline if necessary.

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[thawless]

I was fired yesterday too.

Thank you for editing, sabby. I so badly needed to get everything out that I neglected to consider others' safety. I'm sorry.

My doctor is a problematic factor, too. He isn't at the least supportive and simply exhausts my patience with myself. Makes me feel bad, has never believed me, over-prescribed SSRI medications which led to serotonin syndrome and diagnoses me with things I don't have (lesions, it's a mole; dysmenorrhea, I have absence of menstruation).

I sought therapy once, but he made me feel uncomfortable too.

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[waterknob1234]

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I think you should seek and get help. Call the suicide hotline if necessary. Call a mental health clinic and tell them what you have posted to us. But do get help for yourself. You are worth it.

Depression is a mean beast that seems to take over. You need help to battle it. Keep posting to us, we care.

[Fizzyo]

Hi Thawless, so sorry you're struggling so much. Depression really takes away all hope, even though it is there, hidden. Please look after yourself and seek help if you haven't already! You are as valuable as anyone else, that's my opinion, Depression might tell you something different, but it's a lie. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it!

Over Christmas, I thought about killing myself nearly every hour, it became a case of getting through the morning, then the afternoon, the evening and the night. I had to chunk it up or I would have done it. As soon as I got back to work, I rang my boss. They sent me to Employee Assistance and I got to talk to someone on a crisis line. Then I got some meds, even though I knew they didn't work straight away, doing something to help myself made me feel better. I self medicate through alcohol, although not much, having been practically teetotal for about 30 years. It does get better, but you have a hill to climb. Reach out to someone and get help. I can't remember who said it or where, but this too will pass. Even if it feels like it never will. Stay strong. Hugs from England.

[thawless]

honestly, i'm heartbroken. my work was my family (and is how we address one-another, it is a place with very few employees [less than ten] and we are very close because we spend most days together). being unwanted, unnecessary in a family environment resonates with my own family history- alcoholism, drug abuse (none of which i partake in, i'm sober), so that hurts most.

i'm doing better. i got a decent amount of sleep for the first time in a long time, am looking into jobs/writing cover letters, going back to school, and my husband is more supportive than i could have imagined.

just... thank you all so much

i'm climbing that mountain, or, you know, at least packing gear.

[Fizzyo]

Well done Thawless, keep climbing.