[connect.the.stars]

I really really really can't focus on work right now. I keep having thoughts of wanting to die. I was doing fine until this week. I found out my dog passed on Monday evening. I cried for two straight hours at work before I realized I wasn't doing **** anyway, so I went home. Everything went downhill from there. Productivity? What is that? I just sit here at my desk pretending like I'm working, but I really just can't focus on the task at hand. I end up taking 6 hours on something that should have been done in 2. I almost want to just take random PTO (paid time off) to cover up my inefficiency, but we're right in the middle of our busiest time of the year. There are people counting on me to get things done for them. And I can't seem to drag my *** to do any of it. Nothing. No more motivation. I feel like I'm hurting somewhere, but I don't feel physical pain. I can't seem make my face into any other shape except this ugly squashy frown. I tried to relax my forehead muscles with my thumbs. Didn't work. It's still frowning. I have the lowest amount of charge hours in history this week. It's so pitifully abysmal. It sounds stupid as hell to be using my dog's death as some sort of excuse for suddenly not wanting to live or continue living and work properly like I should. I don't think my HR manager would allow me to take time off because she's probably one of the most heartless human beings alive, but who am I to judge... I noticed we have a charge code for "bereavement" but mourning a dog (as opposed to a person) probably doesn't count to her. I don't even think it's about my dog at this point. I am just a depressed person. I really hate myself. Every little failure makes me want to die. And I know this is not normal. I know I need to snap out of it. I know I'm not doing well. I want to just go home or crawl under my desk and cry in the dark corner. I'm tired of telling people "No I am still not doing ok." I'm tired of being a sad emoticon. I hate this. I hate myself. I hate these feelings.

[lonely-and-sad]

You can't snap your fingers and get out of this. You will get lots of support here don't worry about that. We get it. People react differently to a stressful event- it could be just that. Your dog clearly meant a lot to you as mine did to me. I had to have mine put down becuase he was suffering but damn I loved my dog. A loss such as this does get better with time.

Since this has only been this week it is a bit early to be thinking your going to be like this for a long period of time or that things won't improve soon. But suicidal thoughts must be taken very seriously. Consult someone such as your doctor about what is going on for you if you haven't already done so. Do that now. If things suddenly worsen then contact someone immediately. Do not wait.

We can't lay out a plan for you as we do not know you. But experts in this field that can see you face to face certainly can. In my case my doctor ruled out all other medical or physical causes and I was treated for depression. Ruling out other factors is standard practice for a good medical practitioner.

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[waterknob1234]

Hi connect the stars. I am so sorry about your dog. And I am sorry you are feeling so bad. Professional help would be a good idea. I know how it feels to lose a pet. A dog is a member of your family. It is like losing a child. It is traumatic. There is a forum here for grief and loss. You are going through a very difficult time, but this too shall pass in time.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not a bad person, you are just dealing with a hard time.

[Fuzzybear]

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

Grief, it is there for a purpose, take some time to grieve for your hound.

[robcalher]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I left my dog when I moved over two months ago and I still miss him and when I think about him I wanna cry. He is still alive though. I understand. Depression is not something you're going to just snap out of. Even though that's what people may tell you. You do not fall apart overnight and you do not heal overnight. It takes time. Take time off if you have to. Seek help. Good luck and take care.

[connect.the.stars]

Update: I'm taking time off Friday through Wednesday next week. It's made me feel loads better with pressure off my back and overwhelming support from my seniors to take time off.

Sorry for posting harsh words. Thank you for your responses.

[robcalher]

I'm glad for you. It was a good decision. Gives you time to recoup.

[i dont matter]

Can't focus?? THAT I can relate to. Fact is, I could not even focus enough to read your post (my issue, nothing wrong with your post). It is like my brain is desperately trying to get out of my head....... if only .

:/

[lovejoy91]

It's ok to grief. My condolence goes out to you during this time.