too depressed to speak

That's something. Often it is very difficult to find our true desire. This is because of many factors, sometimes our parents, other authorities, and society at large hijack our own desires. It is like we don't know who we are, really.

Most of the time I don't even feel like a person.

Have you ever tried meditation, yoga or breathing techniques ("pranayama") and/or exercise?

I mention these things because I think they always help and are just super healthy in general.

- vital

I like exercise and meditation. As someone that spent 6 years as a personal trainer and has about 4 years consistent Yoga practice I can say with some degree of authority that there is no 'magic' in yoga it is another form of exercise. Others may disagree but I did enjoy it at the time. I like meditation when I am well or mildly depressed. When it gets worse I find I can't do it. Exercise and meditation have both been studied to some degree in regards to impact on mental health. I remember reading a good study that said that exercise improved symptoms of mild to moderate depression. Anyway, never does any harm to do some reading for yourself on these things. Here is just a little bit.

Exercise and depression:
Exercise for depression | Cochrane

Meditation. This one is a bit more broad than just depression:
JAMA Network | JAMA Internal Medicine | Meditation Programs for Psychological Stress and Well-being:*A Systematic Review and Meta-analysis

I have been exercising for 1 1/2 -2 hours a day for a few months now and it hasnt made a difference if anything i have gotten worse.

Yes I know. When I am severely depressed, even moderately depressed I find that it just makes me more tired. As for meditation it makes me pay even more attention to the stories my mind is telling me.

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Yeah meditation normally gives me a panic attack.

I noticed your from Oz. Which state?

You need your OCD treated. Then the depression. There is hope.

ACT (needs at least 8 characters before I can post)

I agree with Lord Protector. It seems from your posts that that is the issue that needs addressing first. Could be wrong its a bit of a guess and becuase we do not know you we aren't the ones to come up with the plan. The ACT is big enough to seek another therapist. It is probably small enough for the psychiatrists and psychologists to know one another. I can only suggest you work with the ones you have or give another a try. Since we are stuck here there really is only 2 alternatives: trying to help ourselves and giving up. I have found, regrettably, that giving up makes it worse.

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I have been to 5 different psychologists/psychiatrists i dont necessarily have a problem with my psychologist or psychiatrist butbi have tried many times and i always end up worse.

Well i dont want to go back and forth with a debate but i will post one more. We know that mental illness gets worse over time if left untreated or poorly treated for the vast majority. Only the wrong treatments could make you worse. For some people they are lucky enough to get better. For example some people have just one episode of major depression then recover even without any treatment or some unrelated activity and go on with their lives. I would pay no attention to those that claim cures, the key here is what works for you, and unless you keep trying you will never know. If you stop treatment you can expect to get worse. Find a way or at least give it more of a go.

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I am trying though it just isnt working but no matter how many times i try and explain something on here no one ever seems to understand so maybe i just cant explain it i also dont mean that people are just dissagreeing with me that is NOT what i mean i mean people dont understand because when they reply it is not what i was talking about.

BPD and all your other related co-morbidity's are not easy to deal with.

"Many people suffer from an ANT infestation, which stands for Automatic Negative Thoughts. Our self-talk is often automatic and can be difficult to notice. We go through life making decisions and behaving based on these automatic thoughts, and instead of controlling what we think about, our thoughts control us."

Google: Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANT's) and see if there is something within that can help you understand what you are going through.

(((( hugs to you )))

Respectfully.....

Eden, having done some bad things doesnt mean you are a bad person. You regret them and that is a sign you have a morality. Feelings of guilt belongs to depression and thinking bad about youself too. I have the same, i regret some things and feel very guilty about it. But i try to think its the depression that makes us feel overly guilty. We cant change the past but we can act in a different way from now on. That might not take the feelings of guilt away but at least you did and are doing things that are good, make you a good person. Dont identify yourself with actions in the past. Whatever those actions are.
Try to find some distraction from those negative thoughts.
Take care.

I dont know if i understand better but alot of it sounded like how i think a lot of the time.

I try to be nice to everyone and do good things but it is never enough.

Who says that its never enough? You yourself? Then you might set a too high standard. You don't have to be mother theresa or ghandi to be a good person. Small things do matter.

I know this sounds easier than it is, because I suffer from exactly the same. Even on medication those ruminating negative thoughts are still there. But I try to be kind and helpful and see it as an antidote to the bad things I have done (and will never do again). And sometimes I am not kind, that's ok. Im just a human, so are you.

Hi Eden,
Two things:
One: i used to have a lot of negative thinking because of my mother's "training" (she had negative thinking and anxiety, she was a kind of narcissist, as well, as a defense from a very painful childhood). I still do but I can manage it. It is possible. I know, it is not easy at all.
Two: when you feel comfortable, you can talk about the bad things you did in the past, this is an anonymous place, perhaps it could help you a bit.
I have had the help of therapists but sometimes I have progressed by myself by various means. At certain point , removing myself from the environment I was in helped to see things in perspective.
Ok, hope you keep posting and feel better soon

Thank you I still feel bad last night was not good and I am very tired now as I didn't sleep either.