Blue when I am supposed to feel confident

Hi, I wouldn't mind some input here. I have been facing a really stresful situation lately. I was asked to embark on a project which was not well-thought out. A business associate proposed it and through him I met the people working on this event. There were many reasons not to be part of it 1) my company didn't have the money and 2) even if it did I wouldn't embark on this event because it was poorly organized and I would have to do most of the work BUT if this event was indeed wonderful and well-organized then I would have made the effort to find backers . Also, I feel because the organizers were not on the ball, they kind of misrepresented themselves so I did not go in. I talked to my friend, my business associate and told him that I am backing out and told him why. He thinks it's just a question of finances but it is more than that. Why does he not hear my other concerns whic are related to workload and ethics? (Of course, when I backed out, I said to the event organizers that it was just finances and that maybe next year we can participate.) But it seems like I got what I wanted. Thinking about participating or not was stressing me out for a week. But instead of feeling empowered by my decision, I feel depressed. I feel angry at my associate for not researching the d**m thing before proposing it to me, I feel angry at myself for having trusted him and not doing the research myself, I feel angry that I can't tell the organizers the truth, that they are doing a lame *** job and that is why I can't participate, I feel angry that my associate only hears that "it was just that we couldn't afford it" and doesn't listen to the rest of my concerns, and I feel sad that this stupid thing was not well organized because it would have been a great opportunity to showcase our products because the buyers were in town. And I wonder in the back of my head if maybe I should have just bitten the bullet, gotten involved and just do all the work myself. This was something that I could have done but for some reason I just REFUSE to do. I just refuse to be the caretaker for slackers. I feel like I've been doing this all my life and just don't want to do it anymore. I am not a kid! I feel like at this point in our business we shouldn't be doing things in this unprofessional way. So tell me, when logically, I should be feeling great about a responsible decision why do I feel depressed, anxious and guilty? Why do I feel like I may have missed on an opportunity even though logically I know that it would not have worked? Why do I let people second-guess me andn why do I second-guess myself? What is wrong with me?

Hello Blue -- Please keep in mind that whatever I express here is a personal point of view that may or may not have relevance to your situation.

First, it sounds to me like you made the right decision. It sounds a bit like a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation, but you were uncomfortable with what you were doing, and convinced there would not be a positive outcome, so why put more effort in it?

Second, I spent a good part of my 20s and 30s around creative people who were involved in promoting entrepreneurial events, getting together financing to make films, building community playhouses, and so forth. These folks have to be good talkers and carry others along on their tide of enthusiasm. You might even say that enthusiasm is their stock in trade. IMHO, they often don't mean to oversell and lie; it's just that they are cockeyed optimists and huge risk-takers. Those of us (like ME!) who are realists (pessimists in their point of view) and risk-averse may wind up feeling lied to. Perhaps after you process this for a while, you will feel less ripped off and perceive it as a difference in personality type rather than as intentional unethical behavior.

Last, I believe you are doing the right thing to hold your tongue about the things you perceive as wrong about the way they are going about it. If you believed that talking things over would change the course of the event, I presume that you would have done that. I also assume that the other people are too deeply into the project to call it off; that time and money has been invested to the extent that things must move forward. It's really not nice to rain on their parade. I believe you are wise to exercise the self-control you are showing.

Most of the time, we depressives need to learn to both feel and express our true emotions. In this case, writing about your concerns here seems to me -- IMHO -- a safe way to express your feelings. Perhaps you have others in your life who are good listeners in whom you can confide, but be sure that these listeners understand what you confide is confidential and not to relay back to the event organizers.

I hope you will start to feel more positive soon about your prudent and wise decisions.

I think, since it was the "beginning" that none of your concerns could be accurately known until you'd had a little experience of the people and situation? If I were in your shoes I'd try to feel like I'd gotten some valuable education in various "set-ups" and know that next time I would do more research rather than just trust that associate; I'd go with my gut feelings about people and their work habits and whether me and my limited resources were a good fit, etc. I wouldn't mind either that the people believe my reasons for leaving are merely monetary; it's not our "job" to tell others about their projects and how they aren't organized right, etc. The "market" will do that for them.

Actually, I am starting to feel great about my decision. I think that I have a problem with feeling guilty every time I stand up for myself. My first impulse is to apologize and make it easy on the other person because I know addressing my needs means that theirs will not be addressed. God, I have to figure out how to stop doing that. How to stop feeling guilty! Any suggestions?

And yes, they were enthusiastic. Enthusiasm seems to be the domain of all salesmen but unfortunately all hucksters. I think I was just pissed because I trusted my associate's judgement when I should have trusted my own.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
spal said:
How to stop feeling guilty! Any suggestions?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

According to many therapists I have had and books read, emotions follow thoughts. So, talk to yourself about the guilt. Remind yourself that you do not have to feel guilty, that your time, energy, and feelings are every bit as important as other peoples' needs, and hopefully, one day you will find you are not guilty anymore.

For me, this kind of change can take a very long time. For example, I was trained by mother to respond to the world with a negative, critical thought about everything. I worked with the minister's wife in my church to change these thoughts. Each time I had such a negative first impression, I would ask the thought, "Who are your parents?" and replace it with a positive. One day, I saw a couple getting out of a car. My first thought was how much in love they were, and I smiled.

I was so delighted that my first thought was positive, especially because this was a most average couple. The man was a bit stout; there was nothing special or remarkable about them, except that they clearly loved each other -- not in a gooey, public display kind of way -- just with respect and kindness toward each other. It took me at least 6 to 8 months to coax the positive first impression from myself!

So that's what worked for me. Perhaps there will be less work-intensive solution here.

Good luck with this, Spal.