[QuantumNathan]

I know, I've definitely been depressed and I keep thinking that I'm better. But, I keep having these suicidal feelings that manifest as thoughts of really hurting myself. I think it's more about self hate, then it is about not wanting to exist. I brush it off, because the self harming thoughts come and go. But, when they keep coming back, I can't ignore it no matter how much I laugh and smile.

That tricked me. The fact I smile and joke. But, then I still want to die. I realized it when I watched this video about helping someone who is suicidal and it said, "do they talk about hurting themselves or worse... wanting to die?" I immediately thought, "Is it that weird to want to die?" Then everything in my life started to make sense. I'm not just an eccentric introverted shut in. I'm unhealthy.

I don't know if anyone cares to read this. But, I figured it would be good to tell and maybe talk about what I went through. I never really did. With out restrained. Don't worry I won't bore you with the details.

I'm very introverted. INTP, if that means anything to you. Introverted dad, introverted mother. Dedicated Christians. A Jehovah's Witness. I was, for 20 years. It wasn't my parents religion to me. It was my world and despite being relatively anti social I had a group of people I saw every week. But, when I graduated from high school and had to actually think about my future. When I really began to study the bible in the context of all religions, I stopped believing and my world fell apart. That was the worst mental place I've ever been.

I think one of the things that hurts me the most is how much I hate myself for the position I'm in socially. I was naturally introverted and as a Jehovah's Witness was admonished to stay away from "worldly people" or people who weren't Jehovah's Witnesses, and I hate how many friends, I rejected. People who actually understood me. Now, I don't have the few spiritual friends I grew up with. I have no one.

I keep telling myself I have my family. I have my mother. I have my father. I have a little sister. But, they don't need me. I'm 22 years old and they're already a "functioning" family. I feel pathetic. If anything they could use my money and they do use what little I make working 2 nights a week at Kohls. And I don't think I can explain this to them, but if I work more than two days I get painful suicidal feelings. But, they've got enough to worry about. I feel like a burden already.

I know if I could just find some form of love or stimulation. Not only in the form of a person. But in the form of a place or places. Something to tell me on a deeper level that there's something to fight for. It's just that for my entire life I've been in this bubble were God was the only true reason. I survived that spiritual crash. But, I'm still in that bubble and it's very hard to get out of. I don't know were to go.

I try to think of getting a job I like and I feeling I total pathetic loser for even saying this, but I can barely get myself to get up and go to the one I have now. It's that fight. I don't have any reason to get up and do anything. I remember I was fearless when I did. I went to Community college for the same reason. But, I couldn't endure college for the sake of enduring college.

I don't know. That's were I'm at. lol, figured I start taking pictures to get outside the house. I'm an artist, I paint, but it only isolates me more.

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling and it looks like you have a family religious background that seemed to keep you from the world. I hope that you can find ways to start trying to integrate yourself with the world. That may help boost your mood. Start small, just sitting outside in the sun, take walks to the park. Maybe you can find some social groups in your area so that you can make some friends. This may really help you in the long run.

[waterknob1234]

Hi QuantumNathan. Welcome to pc. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist? Have you thought of things that you enjoy doing? Also, taking small steps and making small goals might help? If you have thoughts of self-harm you should seek help, call hotlines perhaps. We are here for you as well.

[QuantumNathan]

Originally Posted by ChaoticInsanity

I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling and it looks like you have a family religious background that seemed to keep you from the world. I hope that you can find ways to start trying to integrate yourself with the world. That may help boost your mood. Start small, just sitting outside in the sun, take walks to the park. Maybe you can find some social groups in your area so that you can make some friends. This may really help you in the long run.

Yeah. I'm trying to find something. I know my mind naturally makes hope out of things. I just need to find something substantial. I do need get out more. I went for a walk last month. I'd do it more, but I live in a pretty bad neighborhood.

But small steps. That's really good advice.

[QuantumNathan]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Hi QuantumNathan. Welcome to pc. I am sorry you are having such a hard time. Are you seeing a counselor or therapist? Have you thought of things that you enjoy doing? Also, taking small steps and making small goals might help? If you have thoughts of self-harm you should seek help, call hotlines perhaps. We are here for you as well.

Thanks for the welcome. I'm not. Maybe, I should. I've done that a few times, because for a while I just thought it was a problem of motivation. But, I think when I'm better, I'll like to do things I used to more. I used to love doing art. Now I just do it because it's the only thing that makes me feel like a real person. Now it's like I do it compulsively and not in an "I breath art" type of way. In a "I gasp for existence" type of way.

Yesterday, I got excited about getting movie for my mom and sister to watch. I really like doing stuff like that. Creating experiences. I always jot down what makes me excited. "Maybe I should be an event planner," I wrote. But, that's why I also wanted to get into film making. I reached out to two old friends to do some fun amateur stuff, but it didn't really pan out.

I'll start small. Thanks for the hugs