nothing

i'm back again. things have been a struggle lately. i've had some manic phases, the last of which has swung into depression. i keep thinking it's okay to go off my meds. (though i wound up only skipping one dose, thankfully). i keep having run-ins with my hallucination/demon, and not even thinking to take my emergency meds to make him go away. i actually consider the things he says.

i have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow. we're working on getting lamictal up to the right levels. but i'm taking saphris in the meantime, and it's not working on stabilizing my moods very well. i'm also on welbutrin and zoloft for the depression, and risperdal for the psychosis.

i don't know what i'm writing for, really. i'm just... so tired. the world is grey and i feel nothing but a weary, dark sort of boredom. i want to not exist. (i'm not going to off myself). nothing holds any attraction to me. i'm getting irritable with my kids, and that's not fair to them. my husband is worried about me. i don't know how to make it all better.

i thought, for a while, that i would be able to work. i was doing pretty good. it's debatable whether i was truly well enough for steady employment, but i was feeling great for a while. maybe that was mania. now that things are going bad again... i'm realizing that maybe it's just a pipe dream for me. which is is, in itself, depressing. i don't want to be on disability. but my family either needs the income from that, or me to have a steady job. which it doesn't appear i am capable of.

urgh.

anyway... thank you for listening. take care...

so sorry you are struggling Lacer Vita.

glad you are reaching out on the forums though. that's what they are their for

hey Lacer Vita.

how are you doing?

hi Lacer

Going off meds is never a good idea as they help to maintain stability. It seems to me that you are hearing voices. There is the hearing voices network USA which you can Google, and they do help people with that problem. Also on Amazon. There is a book called living with voices which is the account of how 50 people overcame this problem, and you might find this helpful to read.

Very often these voices are nasty telling people to do nasty things. The thing to do is to accept the voices and challenge them. Some people have successfully negotiated with them so that they only hear from them at the time they have decided and the voices seem to stick to that. Sometimes it is useful to consider what if what voices are saying have any meaning for our lives. For instance, if the voice was saying that you were a doormat well then that would be encouraging you to stand up and say no to people when you have to. People learn to manage these voices and there are groups around the place where people swap information on how to deal with them successfully. So that eventually the voices if they do not actually disappear completely become pleasant helpful ones.

Please God, your appointment with the psychiatrist will go well. Tomorrow and the medication will do the job for you.

When we get depressed. Everything seems dark. But the way I deal with this is to accept the symptoms observe them, passing through the mind and letting them go. While at the same time getting on with the business of the day. Research has shown that, trying to get rid of depressive symptoms only makes them come back, and that this particular method reduces their number and severity substantially. This is from acceptance and commitment therapy, which again you can Google, and they do have on Amazon. Self-help literature for dealing with psychosis. And depression.

The thing is, you were capable of doing a good job when you felt good. So that when you get your symptoms under control. You will be much more stable and fit for work. Do you think going on sick leave would be helpful to give yourself time to get things under control? That way you still keep your job. I really hope and pray everything gets much better for you soon. Have a really great day. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis