I just got finished inhaling a whole cigarette in under 2 minutes- after quitting for 6 months and I feel sick as a dog.
Again, this is about my family relations. My Mother to be exact. I spoke with her on the phone today and as usual whenever we would get into a conversation she'll change the subject or totally ignore something I've said.
Today I was acutely aware of this because she did it to me twice, I let it go-the third time I got mad. We were talking about immigrants-she started the conversation-well, it came time to speak my views on it and she suddenly says "Ozzie Ozbourne!!!!!!!" Out of nowhere. And I was like wtf? so, I asked her why she said that and she said when she was watching tv all the shows were too serious and she was channel surfing and his show came on and she was watching it and he never took anything seriously...
I was like, "Why did you say that? I was talking?" and to that she replied that I was getting too serious.
WHAT?
She just got finished talking about how the Irish were treated when we came over and I should go and rent out the Gangs of New York-but when I talk about it-it's too SERIOUS.
I got very quiet and I made a sarcastic remark when she asked what I was going to do today "I won't be serious-that's for sure." And she was like "no, don't be serious." And she went on talking.
I was so mad-she finally got tired of my being quiet and said she had to go. I said I loved her in a strained tone of voice and then said goodbye and hung up. I was so mad my hands were shaking so I called her back and said "I really think I should stop talking to the family" and she says "Okay then stop talking to the family" and i said okay and I hung up on her.
Is it me? No, it's not. That's how she is. You cannot be serious-she can be when she wants to be but you're not allowed to be. Always got to be a freaking clown. I'm tired of not having a mother but some ******* jokester. I hate her. Why did I have to get stuck with her? I'd rather a mother just hit me and abuse me that way 'cause then I can point to the abuse and say-look, it hurts because she hit me. Know how ******* retarded I sound when I try to explain to people this loveable, adorable short little FAT clown isn't a good mother? EVeryone just looooooves her so much. She's soooooooo funny and she's soooooo nice.
NO, she's not. She's mean and she's rude and she's selfish.
God I feel like throwing up.
This is why I have to get away from her and the rest of them. My siblings are like her too. They don't turn off. It doesn't stop! Its alway kareokee or dancing or playing guitars and yippeeeee-isn't this fun? No, it's not. Cause we never get to connect. We never can have a serious conversations about current/world events or emotions-unless of course,it's their emotions. Im always the psychiatrist. That make sense, doesn't it? I guess since I'm the only one who's active in trying to better my mental health and have seen psychiatrist/psycologists then I make the perfect one for them because god knows they won't go to see one because that would mean that they are crazy so they dump it all on me. Isn't this a great deal I'm getting here. I'm crazy but I'm also the psychiatrist who helps them.
GGGGGRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I understand more and more why I am the way I am -why I'm so angry, why I have such a bad attitude (To balance out all of the freaking fake gaity?) Why I have such a problem with relationships and intimacy issues.
I would go on but I don't want to write a freaking novel. I'll divide it up into chapters.

[Fuzzybear]

I understand dear pickle and I've been there too...........

((((((((((Fuzzy))))))))))))
Thank you Fuzz. It's kind of strange 'cause I don't feel any bad emotions now. It may be because of PC and I'm able to get the support I need here. This place is a real life saver. I know that to be true. I don't know what I'd be doing or how I'd be coping without the support I get here.
I feel like I'm going to be okay, though. I feel positive. Kinda glad it happened. It proves to me that I wasn't imagining things or blowing them out of proportion. It's reaffirmed my position.

[Wants2Fly]

Dear Pickle -- My mother has many views that I cannot discuss with her. Immigrants currently figure high on this list but my mother's mantra is "Everything has changed, and not for the better," a refrain that segues between just about every topic she covers. You can imagine, I'm sure, how depressing conversations can be.

My mother cannot give me what I need. Most likely, she wasn't able to be a nurturing mother, or even a good-enough mother, when I was an infant, which is why I am kind of screwed up now, well into adulthood. I have come to believe that my task as a grown-up is to accept her as she is.

Along the way, I've even learned to be grateful for what she does provide, although I admit that has only happened since 2003 and working with several Ts to straighten out some communication patterns between us.

Best wishes, prayers, and hugs for finding your own way in this most thorny of relationships -- mother/daughter.

Hi Wants2befree,
I've tried that with my Mother and my family. All I can do is try to forgive-I'm not in the right place for that while I'm in contact with her. All the work I've progressed has just landslided and now I'll have to start from scratch.
It's like she won't look at me. Why won't she just see me?
She told me when I was a baby she was so busy with the other 4 kids that she use to prop my bottle on a pillow to feed me. I am not mad at her about that but it makes me feel sad and like we never bonded.
Maybe that's why she can't connect with me. I don't know. Do you think?

[ab1018]

I had to pull away from my family for quite a few years - it was completely unhealthy. Every time I would go there or call, I would end up crying hysterically. (That is one of their tactics - push buttons like crazy, say whatever they feel like (then vehemently deny it), then make you look like the crazy one when you get upset).

I moved about 40 miles away. Not a lot, but my mother was very ill and I was her power of attorney.

Sadly, she passed away in December. I did finally get all of the closure I needed with her, but it was because she couldn't respond! I did it for me, selfishly.

Some people just aren't cut out or able to be good parents. Unfortunately, their offspring are the ones hurt by it - innocent bystanders.

What I did - tried to make my own "family" out of friends.

Hi Abs,
This cracked me up. Sounds like how it's going to be for me with my Mom.

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ab1018 said:
Sadly, she passed away in December. I did finally get all of the closure I needed with her, but it was because she couldn't respond! I did it for me, selfishly.


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Thanks for your words of understanding.