[THE16THDOCTOR]

Little background, I'm 32 diagnosed with bipolar I and anxiety/panic disorder.
So I have this friend who also has bipolar disorder and borderline traits, I work in the field as a counselor and I think she has borderline personality disorder but I digress. She has been going through a bout of sever depression recently and I've been helping her through it. In one of her angry outbursts regarding where her depression is stemming from she told me I don't understand bc "mine is worse than yours. You don't know anything about depression" now I know this comment was made out of her situation and she didn't mean it as you can't compare yours to anyone's no one knows but you how it truly feels. I know I've said some things I didn't mean lashing out when depressed or manic however later in the day alone I got annoyed. I usually have good control over my emotions after 15 years since be diagnosed but it still got to me. So like a complete jerk I thought "you wanna bet whose is worse!" And I begin thinking of all the things I went through: loneliness, cutting, mixed episodes, isolation that started in high school, no friends, delusional episodes and then it happened...an incident when I was 11 years old cropped up. I hadn't thought about this in over ten years. Don't want to get into to much detail but here are broad strokes: 11 sleeping at my cousins an older 18 year old cousin came into my bed and violated me. At the time I didn't tell anyone I didn't know if it was normal or not being 11 but it scared me. So I buried it but now because I had to act childish to "beat" her at whose illness is worse I've opened Pandora's box and I can't get it out my head for the past three weeks. I keep hearing him whisper in my ear laying on top of me. I've never told anyone about it. I remember the whole night in great detail. I liked feeling indifferent and numb not remembering. My medication controls my emotions well and prevent me from slipping dramatically to different moods but now I'm ****ed. I want these thoughts to go away and I want to forgot it again. Being a counselor I know the healthy way to handle the situation but I don't want that. I want to bury it and never think of it again. Can someone tell me how they do that? I was perfectly fine before I drudged it up. Now I have depression, with that flu sick type physical pain, anxiety and completely vulnerable. I hate it. Ignorance is bliss and I want to go back to that. Now.

[francisR]

hi THE16THDOCTOR

I'm sorry you were abused as a child. But perhaps you would need to see another counselor about this so that you can start to heal.
The only thing I can suggest to you is the therapy. I use which is acceptance and commitment therapy based on research, which says that, trying to get rid of thoughts or feelings doesn't work. It just makes them come back stronger and in greater number. What it advises is acceptance. and defusion. Saying to yourself I am having these thoughts and watching them as they go out of your mind and keeping doing that till they stop which they always do, while at the same time getting on with the business of the day. I was wondering whether there are any in the flesh groups for victims of abuse in your area. Going to them might help. I hope and pray this does improve for you soon. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

[cannon]

Hi, i am really sorry for you .childhood is the most innocent part of our lives and to have that ravaged !there is a certain kind of wrong that can never be made up for.give it time ,try to not be alone ,keep yourself busy and TALK ABOUT IT .that will give you great comfort.God be with you

[puzzclar]

Even as a counselor one can not hide from the impact of trauma. I'm sorry you unearthed the memory but now you can heal from it and be stronger. To hide it away is to hide who you are. Honestly doing that could cause serious impacts not only to you but to others.

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[Tauren]

You can't rebury it. You'll learn to live with it. It takes time. I think in the long run you will feel a lot better having it out where you can see it. I bet it's been contributing to your anxiety all this time.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Originally Posted by cannon

Hi, i am really sorry for you .childhood is the most innocent part of our lives and to have that ravaged !there is a certain kind of wrong that can never be made up for.give it time ,try to not be alone ,keep yourself busy and TALK ABOUT IT .that will give you great comfort.God be with you

Yea it taints you forever. Busy helps a lot. Thank you.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Originally Posted by Tauren

You can't rebury it. You'll learn to live with it. It takes time. I think in the long run you will feel a lot better having it out where you can see it. I bet it's been contributing to your anxiety all this time.

I know it's so unhealthy to rebury it it's just much easier but I know what've have to do. I've thought about that too. I was anxious before that but Ido think it's contributed.