Feelings of really wanting to end my life~but not really...

I am a mom to five very unique kids, two are adults and two are teens, and my youngest is 11. I have suffered major bouts of depression for most of my adult life. I am a highly sensitive person that tends to take EVERYTHING personally. When my family members seem to go against me, saying all I am is negative, all I do is feel sorry for myself, all I do is worry constantly about our lack of money. I am a full-time college student due to graduate in Dec with my BS in none other than psychology and because of our lack of finances it looks like I need to go to work full-time to support my family. My husband is on disability and trying to make it as a realtor.

My question is I feel like I have no strength to carry on any longer. I don't want to die, for god sake's I have younger kids who need their mother. It is my lack of strength that seems to hurt me the most. My oldest son and oldest daughter absolutely despise me because they see me as weak. I am weak in so many ways and I am way over the top emotional.....

What do I do to find the strength to keep going???? The pain is so strong and it hurts so much!!!!!!!!!!!! Please HELP ME!

Hello & welcome to posting, Inspiredmomof5.
And you know better than most that the pain is real.

What has kept you going up till now?
Two family members you mentioned are not supportive. What about the others?
Have you had a medical checkup recently?

Dear inspiredmom,

It helps an enormous amount to really understand what's happening in your own head: Why you are hypersensitive and why you feel the way you do. I know you're already a psych major, but try reading this with fresh eyes and see if it makes sense:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

You'll find in those notes a great way to get back in touch with your inner strength and begin your healing path. Here are some more ideas about what to do:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

hi Inspiredmomof5

I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you. Like you, I am inclined to be very sensitive also. And when people disagree with me. I do feel rejected. But I know the thing to do is to realize that it is what I say or do that. they are rejecting and not myself, and that they still love me. Perhaps doing this would help you also.
The thing is that people who have never suffered from depression don't know what it is like. There is stuff that can be downloaded from the Internet on how to support a loved one with depression and perhaps reading that would help your family members. You do need some really good medication and therapy to deal with your depression.
But you do have to go on . doing otherwise would absolutely ruin the lives of your loved ones and you don't want to do that. Do try to keep your mind busy doing especially enjoyable things to take the focus away from bad feelings. You are very strong. Because you are keeping going. despite all of these difficulties, and you should give yourself the credit for that. I hope and pray you feel much better soon. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis