[ToeJam]

First off, got a few pm and vm messages I need to respond to (and in that I apologise for not doing so sooner).

Sometimes I'm unsure if the depression forum is always the right place for me to post as though it's one of my dx, it's one I've got more of a handle on. With that said, when it comes to posting threads this area was where I started and feel more comfortable sharing.

Just as things started to feel like they were levelling out (or at least improving), several spanners lodged themselves in the works during the past few weeks and I unraveled ; overwhelm is a female dog.

Last Wednesday, things just went from crap to worse and though I certainly was not intending to contradict my psychiatric nurse's view that I'd be fine re one specific event... I wasn't and am not dealing with one event (my occupational therapist and crisis team have since gently scolded me for trying to sprint when it comes to rebuilding my fortitude before I can walk).

Come Friday, I recognised how close I was to falling completely apart and resigned myself to speaking to a member of the mental health team... And that conversation was a nightmare... Could barely string a sentence together... For someone who would like to think he is pretty articulate, I felt like a first grader. Was referred on to the crisis team who saw me within the hour... To my shame, my ability to communicate had not much improved and I ended up having a meltdown which involved a broken door and both hands with split nuckles (don't get me wrong, I have not struck a soul in over 15 years and that was self defence... But inanimate objects are fair game)... Wife handles these meltdowns pretty well, grabbed me and instructed a number of grounding techniques before pulling me back to talk to the crisis nurse.

Pretty sure I narrowly avoided a hospital trip there and then (which would have been horrendous) much to the credit of the wife, who was able to explain things in a much clearer way. As such she was able to wrangle it so that I'd be admitted to a 'more therapeutic' environment:

Mental health funding in the uk has been badly cut in recent years and as such the local authorities have been trying to bridge the gap by outsourcing to charitable organisations... One of those is called the Richmond fellowship (had never heard of them till this year till out of hours crisis calls for service users was cut away from the nhs to them... Was/is a big gripe for many since their phone service is pretty much identical to the Samaritans; a massive step down from professional guidance from registered nurses who in turn would feed on details from such calls to relevant departments dealing with your care... Something the fellowship are unable to do).

On the plus side however, they run 'crisis houses' which are a short stay alternative to hospitals, predominantly for those who a hospital stay would deteriorate their mental state further.

Well it's my first night tonight... I'll admit, I don't handle new situations very well and I did have another meltdown earlier this evening but after speaking to the team here, the crisis team... And a rather heated conversation with the wife over the phone (it ended amicably), I relented to trying to have an open mind and ride it out till at least tomorrow rather than walking out.

[Nammu]

I was at a crisis place a few months ago. They are a step down in looks and some services like meals( yuk) but soo much better at being laid back and less intense. The one I was in you could go outside any time between 8am and 8 pm. You had to get a Drs permission to go off property but the Dr saw you every week day so no big problem. Much more relaxing than a hospital and I could use my iPad whenever I wanted to, that was great!

[vital]

Hi ToeJam,

I'm kind of curious. Can you tell us all the details of the crisis house? Who's in it? What kind of staff is there? How does it work? How's the food?

I hope it's helpful for you!

- vital

[ToeJam]

Originally Posted by sidestepper

I was at a crisis place a few months ago. They are a step down in looks and some services like meals( yuk) but soo much better at being laid back and less intense. The one I was in you could go outside any time between 8am and 8 pm. You had to get a Drs permission to go off property but the Dr saw you every week day so no big problem. Much more relaxing than a hospital and I could use my iPad whenever I wanted to, that was great!

Not sure where you are geographically... And rather than assuming it's not in the uk, I'll hazard a guess that there may be differences between regions. Here, you don't see a dr, though you are under the umbrella of the crisis team (registered mental health nurses who could escalate the care required if necessary). As such, it is pretty much an open house as long as you advise the team of where you are going and estimated time of being off site.

Originally Posted by vital

Hi ToeJam,

I'm kind of curious. Can you tell us all the details of the crisis house? Who's in it? What kind of staff is there? How does it work? How's the food?

I hope it's helpful for you!

- vital

Food wise, it's your own responsibility, along with washing of clothes etc. I'm not much of a domesticated being, but it's all about pro's vs con's - I'd rather have to (perhaps with a bit of incompetence and subsequent diarrhoea) do these things myself than face the Bedlam that is a disruptive and loud (I have severe noise sensitivity) hospital ward.

Staff wise... Not 100% sure as I arrived at the beginning of the night shift... But they seem to be the equivalent to support workers. With that said, once a day, the crisis team nurses come to speak to you to assess how things are going.

Simarly, not 100% sure how things work yet due to the time I arrived.

One negative side thus far though has been that although they've put me in a really nice room... The floorboards are paper thin and I'm stuck above the kitchen where the night workers are chatting and doing god knows what (no doubt general cleaning/ironing and the like) and with the aforementioned noise acuity issues, I've been unable to sleep. Just gone 4:20am.

Guess that was missed off or ignored in my referral notes.

[vital]

Originally Posted by ToeJam

One negative side thus far though has been that although they've put me in a really nice room... The floorboards are paper thin and I'm stuck above the kitchen where the night workers are chatting and doing god knows what (no doubt general cleaning/ironing and the like) and with the aforementioned noise acuity issues, I've been unable to sleep. Just gone 4:20am.

Ugh, sorry about that.

I would be complaining about the noise tomorrow (Actually, I might record the noise to play to the day staff).

If I was running a place like that, peace and quiet would be a very high priority, especially at night.

- vital

[Nammu]

Are ear plugs an option? I'm fortunate in this regard, I sometimes have the noise sensitivity but not always.

No I'm not in the UK, USA.

[passionfruit3]

I was in a crisis home want to go back instead of mental hospital but here in California you have to get a referral and when I go to the er they don't offer it to me very much or when it is they change later say im not qualified so i only went once i did like it excercised a lot and had a good roommate one incident a guy came in on drugs left with police but i think that is rare

Sent from my SM-T210R using Tapatalk

[ToeJam]

Sidestepped - unfortunately, I find earplugs very uncomfortable.

Ok with the following, I'm putting it in trigger code... Feel like I might be treading a fine line here... But because I'm not firing on full cylinders 'logic' wise, I'm hoping I can get a bit of advice from any somewhat more grounded people here.

I've written the following for when I see the crisis nurse later (trigger issues are self harm orientated... Haven't self harmed, but it mentions an item).

I need to know if this is too much to show them or if honesty is the best policy?

Possible trigger:

"Writing this now as I know it will be harder to communicate later: feel at a disadvantage; been hypersensitive and agitated since yesterday (before I got here, though unfortunately it extended to a small meltdown at around 9 + the addition of being unable to sleep due to auditory acuity (did ask if I could move rooms when I realised location) and unfortunately and to no fault of the guy working downstairs: every time he moved something or a machine (dishwasher?) was jostling, it startled me - I'm struggling to think logically and more prone to emotional verbal diarrhoea.

Took two diazepam at about 12 (first time taken any in 2 weeks.. Very infrequent use)... Realised I was getting the self harm and Sui thoughts again at about 4 (located a sharpe knife in kitchen, didn't touch it... Somewhat comforting to see it though) been trying not to take anymore as I don't want it to look like I'm popping them like candy".

Honesty is generally the best policy and I would show them if I were you with awareness the staff will be able to prevent you from taking that sharp knife sorry you are going through a hard time atm and I hope things will improve for you soon!

And if the diazepam is helping and you feel that you need it for now then just take it. You are in a crisis house, it makes sense that you are feeling worse than normal and so more likely to need the diazepam.

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((( TJ )))))))))))

[ToeJam]

A little concerned and nervous; spoke to my psychiatric nurse (for the last time in his current role as he has lost his job due to budget cuts... But surprisingly and kindly has given me his personal mobile number and wants to keep in touch) today and said that he will come see me at some point soon, even should that be in hospital. This latter bit has sparked a bit of 'oh crap' as I realise that all correspondence about my current predicament goes into an accessible server that is viewed by those responsible for my care... And therefore, connecting the dots can only guess that this is under discussion.

A large part of this conclusion fills me with dread as my past experiences in hospital have not been easy, but in a sort of apathetic way I guess I'd be resigned to it if it occurs. I'm getting the impression that the staff at the crisis house are feeling I'm at too much risk to myself for what they are able to deal with.

It's a shame really as the premises is beautiful and since they moved me to a better room, the issues of noise sensitivity have gone down... But yeah, in a third person view, I know I'm pretty unstable at the moment.

Back on the topic of the nurse I mentioned above, he sent me a text yesterday (we've spoken since) saying he was sorry I was going through such a bad patch and then added to my surprise and charinge that he felt it was all his fault... I quickly replied that I did not hold him accountable for any of what has happened and that if I'd inferred that in the past week where my frame of reference has been shaky at best, I could only sincerely apologise.

[moodycow]

sending lots of hugs and best wishes for a speedy recovery toe jam ��

[ToeJam]

Exhausted right now. This morning/part afternoon has been horrid. Not sure if I've mentioned my aversion with regards to talking to male health care professionals (my soon to be gone cpn spent about 6 months of me hardly saying a thing when it came to my mental health) but unless I am talking about light hearted and irrelevant topics, my interaction with them is incredibly stunted. This is plastered all over my notes. With that said and as some kind of unfortunate twist of fate, I have been left very isolated due to no female staff being on duty.

Today I was incredibly close to doing something final and the only counter I could think of was a non lethal alternative (carries dangers, but I felt 95% sure that if push came to shove, I would have an unconscious reprieve). Both things were a consequence of desperation and limited ability to think rationally... But I struggled with this battle for about 4 hours as I couldn't find the strength to get help from the male staff and I was also petrified that if I said anything (irrespective of gender, there was a good chance of being sectioned as there is no way I am voluntarily going back to hospital... I am trying to help myself by getting help, but that is a line I never wish to cross again).

I did however manage to hold on and when it came to seeing the crisis team nurse, I broke down and did full disclosure, iterating the hospital concern. I was (and still am) a mess.. Was given an ultimatum that to avoid hospital, I was to hand over all of the items that could cause me harm (she kept saying 'you are doing the right thing') and then she left to discuss with crisis house team on what was best as the next step.

On return, I was told that I would not be admitted to hospital at this time and that I would no longer have control over my medication, it would be administered to me (much like hospital), that I was not to purchase any more self harm implements... And that it was imperative that I tell staff members when I was struggling, even if it meant writing it down (re to male staff).

I feel like such a moron right now... But I'm glad I found the strength to do what needed to be done for my own safety.

[Pierro]

I hope you are feeling well enough to go home soon. (((((ToeJam)))))

[vital]

Hang in there ToeJam

I think you did do the right thing.

- vital

Hey ToeJam, how are you doing?