My life is a mess and self destructive

I have some meds but have so many problems to face .
I find myself searching the internet for methods of self harm . I know that's bad but it keeps coming up in my mind . I talk myself out of it . From all the activity about it it is common topic . I don't want that but it is hard to fight the thoughts . I try to get busy and let time pass , night mares and overwhelming thoughts are a plague to me .
I am getting some sleep but the mornings are still hell to face . I feel like a rag doll that is in tatters .
I have to talk it out , I don't know how long I can push myself with mindless hard labor tasks. Facing some problems will be very very hard .
I have burnt some of my support people up , I can't stand myself sometimes .
I can't do the normal moving forward stuff , All around me people are making progress and I can't even start . I feel like am getting weaker sometimes mentally and physically . I hate this depression rut . Two months of this is hell. I don't want some people to know what I'm going thru but it is getting harder to hide . I was very active and now nothing . Trying to talk it out !
I've got to remember -lots of people have it worse than me and they come back to fight another day . They too have made dumb mistales like me . But It is still hard to accept my failures .

Hi Lima01. I'm right there with you. My life is a mess. I have numerous psychological and physical ailments that have caused me to be on disability. This has only succeeded in giving me more time to stare at the walls, smoke (three packs a day), and beat myself up. I'm never so low that I can't make myself lower with a few negative thoughts. For a long time, while I wasn't suicidal, I just didn't care whether I lived or died. I even felt that I'd be doing the world a favor by "checking out". But then I started learning about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Yes, depression is a serious health condition that can't just be wished away or gotten over. But the negative self image and the verbal self abuse is like a bad habit. The way you break the habit is to reinforce a stronger self image. Before that little voice in your head has a chance to trash talk you or make you believe something and everything is your fault, you need to say (out loud if you can) "I'm a good person and this event is not my fault!" Every morning and every night, take the time to tell yourself, "I'm a good person, I deserve to be loved, and I deserve to be happy. It's my right and I'm taking control of this." Over time, you will reprogram your brain and your reactions to see that you are indeed a good person and everything is not your fault. I'm still working at it but it is working. Try it. You have nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain.

❤️