Thinking Out Loud

This is basically just a check-in that started getting too long for the check-in thread. I don't want to bogart the space over there. And I realized once I got past a paragraph that I really just needed to think out loud.

**Sorry in advance if I'm over posting. I go through these depressive phases where I just cannot get out of my own head, and I have to talk to someone. But I know I drive my friends batty when I constantly text them my pervasive thoughts. They aren't qualified to be my T's and that isn't their role in my life, that's why I sought out a more relationship-healthy alternative i.e. PC. I know you guys aren't T's either, but some of you "get" it more than my friends do.**

The thought that I'm not good enough, that people don't actually like me, has just been kind of sitting and spinning in my brain like a big storm system. I'm trying to find truths to counteract it (because it's not the truth, not absolutely) but it's hard when you have tiny threads of evidence to cling to:

There was a group of people who disliked me right off the bat in my school cohort. I don't know what I did initially to piss the ringleader off, only thing I can think of is we were both strong minded, intelligent, and driven. She was just far more type A than me, and needed to be the boss. I didn't, I just do what I see needs to be done but she felt I was trying to usurp her. I kind of just gave her and the clique space but it devolved and ended up that my reactions pushed people away. Which is too bad, because I wanted to be friends or at least cool with everyone, but I can't keep putting my hand out to have it slapped over and over. Feedback I got was that I was standoffish and shut people out. My reply to that (this was in conversing/trying to make amends with one of the clique) was that after a semester and a half of trying to fit with them/be friendly when it was clear every other word out of my mouth was being judged, I simply gave up and withdrew.

There are people who don't like me at work, but I am aware of it and don't try hang with them. There was this girl that I was friends with for a short time, but quickly found that her one objective was to party and pick up guys from Tinder. (I sort of feel my hanging with her tarnished my rep a little only because we met up with another group from work one night and they were super cold to us. Well, mainly her, but as these folks didn't know me outside of work, I have always hoped they didn't judge me from that. Especially with what I now know of her.) I had a great time with her initially because she was one of the only people who actually reached out to me to invite me to do things. And we did fun things! However, I quickly realized she was using me--see, she doesn't have a car (she has money, but it's a huge drama situation). I was her transportation. We'd go do something and it was inevitable that she'd nonchalantly drop in, "Oh, there's this guy I met on Tinder...let's go meet him at the bar..." Then she'd leave with him. She had the guys bring a friend a few times but that is just not my scene. When I told her that she said, "You need to think better of yourself." Yeah. I do. That's why I don't hook up with random guys from Tinder. I figured what she was about when I had to stop drinking for a while (not that I drink a lot anyway) because of a health issue. She didn't want to hang out. At all. Fast forward to one day she texts me and asks if I am busy. I was furiously studying for finals, for the hardest class of my program. Super stressed, freaking out. I told her this and she was like, "Wow. Well, I was just going to ask you for a ride to (city 45 minutes away). That's it." I snapped. I mean, not that she ever asked about how school was or gave a isht prior to this but I was stressed to the max. I told her if all she wanted was a ride out of me, I wasn't okay with that. I said I was okay with being her friend and that we could hang out when I was less busy, but that if she was looking for rides, she'd have to call Uber because I didn't have time to be a taxi. Yeah...well. We don't talk anymore, obviously. And her friend group doesn't talk to me, either. Not really a loss, but I think I'm probably being unfairly judged. A few people know I don't care for her, but they don't know why. I have said, "I don't discuss those things, we just don't click any longer." But I have a feeling people have heard an earful about me.

Put these things with the multitude of people who have cut me out of their lives for a multitude of things, sometimes abruptly. Dropped like a stone. Usually because I was a cruddy person, because my MI got too pervasive, or because I didn't subscribe to their beliefs anymore (my old church family), and you can see why I believe I'm a bad person. Heck, I didn't grow up with my parents, and the rest of my immediate family chose a relationship with the parents who abandoned me over me. So yeah. It's hard think about the positive when there is so much negative. So much rejection. Because sometimes I have been a crappy person. But other times, other people have been just horrid, and that isn't my fault, and I shouldn't be so hard on myself. I know this. But it's those other times when it has been my fault.

People tell me they love me. They tell me I'm an interesting, cool person. They do invite me out...they're just flaky sometimes (well, a lot lately). One of the coworkers I think incredibly high of published a book (that's actually doing really well) and pestered me until I read it (I was supposed to be a beta reader but couldn't because of school commitments) because they wanted my opinion of it. I was talking about a trip to Ireland in the next year or so, talking about going alone (which actually sounds awesome) and one of the coworkers I consider close was like, "What?! No! You can't go alone! I want to go!" Haha, this person travels more than she works some months so she meant it. People want to hang with me. They do. But I think I have to realize, and I have to keep reminding myself of this over and over again because, that I'm just not everyone's cup of tea. And that it's okay, that the things that make me that way are why the people I care about like me. My interests are incredibly geeky, I'm slightly introverted, very awkward, a little moody, a cat lady, my humor irreverent, and I'm a liberal treading water in a conservative sea. To a lot of people I'm not "cool." To a lot of others, I'm awesome. This isn't about my coworkers, it's about this root of rejection which was planted very early. I was repeatedly told growing up that I was nothing, a mistake, and I think I lived life that way. I think I have left behind a lot of the fear and insecurity my mother instilled in me, but I'm building self-worth from the ground up since it was nonexistent throughout my childhood. Many of the tools mothers pass on to their daughters when it comes to a sense of self and relational intelligence I simply lack. But I'm trying.

Anyway. If you've read through this...ha. Wow. Thanks. Again, sorry. This isn't going to be my M.O. I'm sitting here with a beverage listening to quiet, dark music and the rain and feeling very pensive. I just wanted to talk to someone, even if "someone" was only implied. So thank you. Over and out.

Please, don't be sorry for over-posting. We learn from each other, so what you are posting helps others, as well. On the contrary, thank you for sharing.
When you say something like "people just dislike me", or something like that I feel like saying that "people" is too general. There may be some people that dislike you; or maybe you have some traits that are less valued or socially awkward within the group (or society you move in) But when we say "people" is too much and leaves things out of our control (sorry my writing is obscure, hope you understand). I think you are right when you say that those thoughts are part of a combo that comes from childhood. It is important to be aware of it as it is not rational and not true and can be damaging your life. To me each time this kind of thoughts come to my mlnd, I accept them as part of my past but I tell myself they are not right

I do generalize and think in absolutes, mostly when I feel insecure or am depressed. It's gotten me into trouble in relationships ("You always...you never...") I'm working on it.

Sometimes I think shame has a hand in it, too. You get to a certain point where you feel intense shame and think surely others see it (they can't, at least they wouldn't label it "shame"). And then it follows that if everyone sees then everyone must surely reject you. Totally dysfunctional thinking.

It's also good to remember that most people don't think about us nearly as much as we think they do, good OR bad.

Hi Ruari,
Thank you for your post.
There's a lot going on for you, much of which was ringing bells for me too.

It's so easy to gather up all the negative input from other people and feed it so it drowns out the positive input and love we get later, however much we try to encourage and feed the positive later on. (Not implying that this feeding is either deliberate or your fault in any way, it's instilled in us very early)

I want to encourage you in the many efforts you are clearly making to find a way forward.
Keep up the good work!

That's what I have to remind myself every day. I still obsess over things I said to people years ago, and how I think those things I said were taken by them, what I think people thought of me because of that, how I wanted to have said it different, etc...

Oh man, I totally do this! I don't think we're the only ones, though. I think that's an introvert or an introspective person thing. I've gotten much better about it since I have come to remind myself that the person probably forgot about the interaction the next day.